The Best Steven Seagal Films.... unmade!

Crossover: Zero Hour

2011-11-13T11:55:00.004Z

Who do you turn to when there are only hours before humanity is destroyed? Who has the courage, the stealth and the steely look to save planet Earth at zero hour?

These questions and more are answered in Steven Seagals latest straight to DVD classic, Crossover: Zero Hour.

Seagal plays Mitch Shotgun an ex Top Gun pilot, special forces trainer and CIA agent. Retired after his special forces team were killed in an undercover mission in the Bolivian rainforest, Shotgun has been spending his time helping local tough kids deal with their personal issues by helping them form hip hop crews. He has a few problems of his own being a hard drinking, hard smoking and hard gambling son of a shotgun.

His world is turned upside down though when Pixie (played by Katie Perry) contacts him with some astonishing news. Pixie works, implausibly, as a climate scientist as well as topping up her salary as a part time stripper (for no good earthly reason). She has figured out that the petro chemical giant EVIX Corp. has almost pumped enough pollutants into the environment that we are almost at the tipping point, or as her team have dubbed it, Crossover.

Once passed that tipping point, within hours the Earth will become a fiery mess, a hell hole of sulphur, heat, perpetual darkness, an environment in which no intelligent life can survive (scenes shot in Hull).

Evix Corp and their snake-charm chief executive Randle Slither will not have any of it though. Neither will the US government who have branded Pixies team as crackpots.

Shotgun cannot persuade Slither to stop polluting the atmosphere either, even though he and Slither were ex Special Forces buddies until the mysterious circumstances in which Shotguns team were slaughtered in Bolivia.

With Pixie producing a digital wall clock showing a three hour countdown until Crossover, Shotgun is up against it. Slither knows he is coming and has amassed an army of mercenaries to stop him.

What he does not bank on is Shotgun having the support of Flipside, the hip hop crew he helped assemble. With the earth having just hours left, this winter, we are relying on just a handful of brave warriors.

THE GUARDIAN G2: Utter filth. My eyes burned, my soul feels raped, 1 star.

HULL JOURNAL: Even though 23 local jobs were created, this film remains a stain on our existence, although it did catch the atmosphere of the city well.

QUOTES

Pixie: Noone will listen to me Shotgun, I am sure my data shows we are nearing Crossover.... the sulphite monochromatic particles Evix are releasing are comining with the Sub-rapidons in the upper atmosphere and there are going to be nuclear consequences.... no one will listen, we have hours to live...

Shotgun: I am listening sweet cheeks

Pixie: but you are the only one

Shotgun: I'll make them all listen one punch at a time

Pixie: Goddam it Shotgun don't endanger yourself

Shotgun: OK Pixie now do your special dance for me

No Quarter Asked

2011-05-07T11:23:00.000+01:00

In No Quarter Asked, Steven Seagal stars as SEAL Captain Blade McLonegan in an all American action thriller.

When Hussain Al Maqtoum Mulgrani Hammad leader of the Red Splinter Islamic fundamentalist terror cell kidnaps the senators daughter, there is only one man to call.

McLonegan is the best, he has always been the best, but he trains the best to be better than the best so he has to be the very best of the best. McLonegan has his own battles, after a messy divorce, his drink problem worsened and his daughter won’t speak to him.

The Senators daughter is believed to be held in a secure compound in the Qaddari Hills, Northern Syria. McLonegan must drop his in crack team, fast talking Bojax (Triple Z from So Solid Crew) and Pettle (Coleen Rooney).

Together they must rescue the Senators daughter and help McLonegan find peace with himself, one punch at a time.

The problem is the pentagon wants McLonegan dead, for no good earthly reason. Even after the Senators daughter has been saved, they have to extract themselves out as McLonegans ex special forces buddy who now sleeps with his former wife is in charge of Operation Thunderclap.

Can the team get to freedom. Will McLonegan find inner peace? Find out in a WH Smith bargain DVD bucket from June 2011.

Excerpts

HAMMAD: Game over (pulls trigger, gun jams)

MCLONEGAN: OK, let’s do this old school (Drops own gun, draws knife)

Reviews

DAILY MAIL: The plot made little sense but most worrying was the CGI fight scenes and factual accuracy. It seems all of this can be sacrificed for a shot of Seagal snapping someones neck while winking at the camera…. 1 star

Jesus and Me

2010-11-21T23:06:00.000Z

In Jesus and Me (banned in most Western countries), Steven Seagal plays Zorox Crossbow, a down to earth teacher in Boston in the year 2044. What nobody realises is that Zorox is actually the brother of Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately 2044 is also the breakout of World War III as America finally declares war on Botswana. As every man is drawn into this global struggle against evil, its time for Zorox to kick ass.

Thankfully as well as his laser eyes, Zorox also has his bible buddies, Hotcakes (Stacey Soloman) and JamXX (anyone from Ndubz) along for the ride.

THE GUARDIAN: Truly as bad as it sounds. Appalling, inconceivable.
THE DAILY STAR: Action packed 100% fun

Shock and Awe

2010-07-21T23:48:00.002+01:00

In this summers stylish 3D bargain DVD, Steven Seagal teams up with David Hasselhoff in Shock and Awe.

Seagal plays Detective Harrington Shock a New York veteran who has scrimped and saved to gather a nest egg capable of seeing him retire to the keys to work a small honest life as a fisherman. His partner Detective Mitchley Awe (Hasselhoff) is his oldest buddy.

Get set for action though as on Shocks last night of duty, terrorists take over Carnegie Hall and threaten to blow it up with all 2,000 concert goers inside. Having snuck in, Shock and Awe must take take the creeps one by one using their stealth assasination skills they learned in Nam as special forces buddies.

Thankfully they have some help from a couple of concert goers Xjam (Some nutter from N-Dubz) and Babycham (Christine Bleakley).

This summer as the kung fu kicks off, make sure you are on the right side of shock and awe.

2010-07-21T23:20:00.000+01:00

Control, Alt, Delete

2010-06-09T21:00:00.003+01:00

In this summers hi tech thriller, Control, Alt, Delete; Steven Seagal plays IT professor Suleiman Instinct. Instinct leads Harvards advanced research unit and is the best of the best of the best in his field of computer sciences.

When the Senators daughter is kidnapped, rather implausibly by being sucked through her facebook page; The president calls on Instinct to unhack the systems and free sweet Mary Anne.

Instinct knows he has his hands full when he realises expert hacker and former comrade (yet nemesis) from Nam, Buck Devious (played by Michael Barrymore) is behind the high tech kidnapping.

Thankfully he has ace student IT and hip hop pros, Crackside (played by Dizzy Rascal) and Vixen (Cheryl Cole) to help.

This summer when the megabites are down, Instinct has to make sure he Control, Alts and Deletes

Cover of Darkness

2010-05-23T17:58:00.005+01:00

In this summers direct to VHS classic, Steven Seagal stars as Lt Col Butch Lazerstrike.

Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.

When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.

Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas will.i.am) and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.

Silent Cold Strike -

2010-05-14T12:51:00.004+01:00

I watched parts of an appaling Seagal film last night on Channel 5 and it inspired me to get back in and write another script for our ante lead man

This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.

When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.

Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.

Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.

Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)

Death From Above

2010-02-26T10:12:00.002Z

This Easter, prepare to witness a new level of cinemagratic experience as Steven Seagal stars in Michael Caines directional debut ‘Death from Above’. Shot in super colour 2D for extra visual impact, ‘Death from Above’ is set to definitely be a Moto Service Stations top ten £2 seller this April.

LT Col Bud ‘Crazyhawk’ MacKnife is not only the best navy pilot alive, he is a martial arts expert, life coach, hard drinking, hard talking, hard hat wearing son of a gun. MacKnife is respected as the finest of his generation, able to navigate by the stars, able to communicate with animals, he is at one with nature and his exceptional war machine, the new prototype FS200X fighter jet equipped with the latest technologies including time travel and invisibility devices.

When MacKnifes commander in chief Gus Greaser (played by Anthony Hopkins), orders him to take the FS200X on a training straffing run over Afghani villages populated by kind but poor Afghani women and children, MacKnife objects. Eventually Greaser agrees to allow the training run without the use of live ammo.

However, all is not what it seems and during the run, Macknifes fuel runs out and his systems mysteriously shut down. Ejecting from the plane, Macknife holes up and is taken in by the beautiful Purrito, a poor but stunning Afghani villager (played by Kesha in her acting debut).

It seems his attitude has MacKnife on the wrong side of Commander in Chief Greaser who unleashes the full forces of the US military to track down MacKnife, having persuaded them he was a traitor.

MacKnife is faced with a race against time to save himself, the villagers and the local ecology which is being damaged by a US multinational petrochemical and pharmaceutical operation who are giving backhanders to Greaser.

Thankfully he is helped by his old special forces buddy on the inside, Westside (played by Ashley Cole).

Quotes

Purrito: Killing is against my core muslim beliefs but watching you rip the throats out of those punks makes me feel so hot....
MacKnife: Yeah baby, thats American love

Greaser: Goddam it, MacKnife, get your wings in the air and shoot those Afghani babies right now
MacKnife: I object.

Daily Mail: An awesome film highlighting the true horror of war away from the fun and high jinks our military face on a day to day basis. Fundamentally a tale of why we should stem the flow of immigrants.

Daily Telegraph: Watching this film makes me pity the very existence of humanity.

Steven Seagal: This film is indeed ground breaking, yeah we could have cast Afghanis to play Afghanis but basically there was a need to make the film more accessible to American audiences and we couldn’t really understand what they were saying.

Michael Caine: I was paid money to direct, my name is on the credits to but to be fair, Seagal did all of the directing. What is the film about again?

Out for Fighting

2010-02-24T09:44:00.003Z

Steven Seagal plays Mitch Bennington, an ex-marine who lives in a quiet Suburban town making Yo-Yos to pass the time.

His days spent kicking ass for Uncle Sam are just distant romantic memories until a bunch of no-good punks start to mess up the neighbourhood.

Mitch has taken down 50 foes in one fight before (shown in black & white slo-motion) but this gang are at least 75 strong in volume and he just ain't sure he can take them.

He turns to training his neighbours in martial arts so they can fight to win back the streets. His band of brothers includes Hi-Lo (Dale Winton) and Uppa-Cutt (Chipmunk) who have promised to protect their elders in a battle where at least one secondary character will die.

Thanks to Avatar-like-technology (and a tenth of the budget), Richard Whitely is able to star as Don Bravito, the mob boss behind the riots. Mitch has him in his sights as he heads Out for Fighting.

Christmas Crisis Strikeforce

2009-11-11T22:01:00.003Z

Due for release on December 1st is a Christmas themed comedy thriller starring Steven Seagal as Buck Tracerstrike.

When crazy old Jim Hucker (Michael Caine),a journalist on the New York Sentinel, thinks he has uncovered a terrorist plot to blow up all christmas symbols, noone will take him seriously apart from his old buddy from 'nam, Tracerstrike.

Tracerstrike must act on instinct to unravel the corrupt web behing the plot but thankfully has his trusty sidekicks, Cocoa (Leona Lewis) and Triptix (Dizzy Rascal) to help him bust up some terrorist punk ass.

Commandos in Surrey

2009-09-28T10:33:00.005+01:00

Following Jean Claude Van Damme’s dramatic and award-winning return to the big screen in JCVD, Steven Seagal is bound to do exactly the same with his latest action packed comedy drama - Commandos in Surrey.

Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.

When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.

Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).

When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.

The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.

One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':

‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.

*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.

Today You Die - Seagals Finest

2009-08-27T12:22:00.006+01:00

Having watched all of Seagals movies, this movie I think gets closest to the scripts I have been writing for him. My favourite moment in the film is when the big black main gangster presses a button and the cupboards behind them pop open to reveal gun racks nicely lit in in a blue neon haze. Why would you have that in your office!!!

Sandstorm at Murderington

2009-08-27T11:34:00.005+01:00

Following the outstanding success of 'Mission to Highschool', Seagals latest blockbuster sees him return to school but this time as renegade substitute teacher, Mr Chad Sandstorm.

Sandstorm is used to teaching science to underprivileged kids but not a lot could prepare him for Class Z4 at Mullington High, in downtown Detroit. The students are set to fail all their exams and are besieged by family problems, drugs, rivalries, guns, gang and fungal feet issues. Its, so bad, the school is known locally as Murderington High.

While most people simply write these kids off as societies outcasts and tomorrows prison fodder, Sandstorm sees potential, mainly because he once was also on the wrong side of the tracks after he served time for tracking down and beating up his ex sargeant (who had left his best buddy to die, in Korea).

Despite a troubled start to teaching the class, Sandstorm soon gets the respect of the kidz when several of them jump him with knives and semi automatic weapons and he uses his martial arts skills to disarm them. Impressed the kids soon start paying attention and want to learn from Sandstorm.

Not all the students are as willing though and Sandstorm has to go through a number of emotional scenes to get to the root of these kids troubles and help them.

Sandstorm decides that he can galvanise the students around an upcoming hip hop and street dancing battle between all of the downtown Detroit schools.

Can he gel the students together and keep them off crack long enough to win the contest? Will the senators daughter be kidnapped randomly? Will his ex Korean sargeant show up unexpectantly?

Find out on Channel 5 at 2.30am this Friday.

Also stars: Chris Brown as Bojam and Paris Hilton as Bubbles

Names of hip hop crew: Bo-Jam Stryke Pop X MC Scratch Touchdown Blast Crips and Bubbles

REVIEW

West Sussex Echo: 'astonishing, the use of light and sound was incredible. I was left contemplating whether the film had escoteric value or whether in itself it was inwardly focussed on being self absorbed. A masterpiece of deception'

Empire: 'Films like this strengthen the case for Seagal to be locked up and legislation to ensure that no more films are made'

FHM: 'The worst bit was definitely Seagal rapping'

LYRICS TO LISTEN UP - WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY SEAGAL

Your lifes on the line on the streetz tonight
Gotta decide run or fight
Yo brothers got your back
Packing a piece under the mack
This is all whack
So stay off the crack

Mission to Highschool

2009-08-14T11:25:00.005+01:00

In this hilarious late summer family comedy stroke action thriller romance, Steven Seagal plays Butch McToughshot a presidential bodyguard and martial arts expert.

Tougher than the toughest, McToughshot is the presidents most trusted personal protection agent.

However, McToughshot is in for a shock when the presidents daughter starts complaining that the school jock, Mitch Clean (McCauley Caulkin) won't take her to the school prom.

The president sends McToughshot in to Burlington High with a mission to persuade Mitch that the presidents duaghter, Candy (La Roux) is worth taking to the ball. Hilarity follows as McToughshot goes back to school to persuade fellow students he is only 15 and persuade Mitch that Candy is the pick of the year, all while not busting some kids faces up!! How will McToughshot fare in his exams, the school football team and being the new school hunk!

The film takes a sharp turn from comedic to the romantic though when McToughshot falls for his new teacher Miss Volumptua (Jordan).

Then, in another sudden change of pace, all hell breaks loose when it turns out that the drama group is an undercover Al Qaeda cell intent on destroying the school and killing the presidents daughter.

In violent dramatic action scenes, McToughshot must fight alone to save Burlington High, Candy and Miss Volumptua leading to climatic scenes where he only has time to save one of their lives...... catch it all on Mission to Highschool this summer

REVIEWS

Daily Mail: Confusing - Was I meant to take my kids to this - The first hour seemed to suggest yes but after the chemical attack on the school assembly, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to show facial burns to my nine year old son

Shrewsbury Evening Chronicle: Desperate, unfortunate, disjointed, bizzarre, surreal, shambolic - The first half is an extremely poor comedy with unfortunate twinges of paedophilia in my view, the second half is a bizarre twist into Seagals normal territory as if the director realised the first half was rubbish and was trying to save it for the small hardcore Seagal fanclub.

Two Die Four

2009-08-09T10:27:00.003+01:00

Steven Seagal stars, sings and directs in the latest action musical thriller to come out of Cheapskate Studios.

In Two Die Four, Seagal plays Flight Lt Jay Surefire a navy topgun who specialises in putting the latest prototype hardware through its paces.

When the Amercian military create a helicopter with an invisibility cloaking device, Surefire is the man to test it. However, on the day of the test, the hardware is stolen by muslim fundamentalists bent on the destruction of the Eastern seaboard.

Seagal mobilises his crack team, unit Two Four, which consists of the best pilots in the world, fast talkin' Tripleshot (played by Lil Wayne) and Trixy D (Karly from Big Brother). He will need all the help he can get as the terrorist behind the plot is none other than Hassam Al Maqtoom (played by Gary Glitter).

Using any means possible they have to find and retrieve the hardware and take the punks down, all in a days work for unti Two Four.

SCRIPT EXCERPT

Trixy: Help, help, they've got me and they plan on doing terrible things to me, Al Maqtoom has me prisoner

Surefire: Lock and load Tripleshot, we're gonna go in there and save Trixy

Tripleshot: Yo yo daddy mac flipside at 'cha

Al Maqtoom: I'll be waiting for you Surefire, I have a score to settle with you over my missing eye.

Bring Me Osama

2009-08-04T16:55:00.003+01:00

Bring Me Osama

In this sensational summer blockbuster, Steven Seagal, plays Colonel John McStealth out in a WHSmiths mega bucket near you.

When President Ruben Davenports (Harlow Washington - Denzels Brother) daughter, Cherry (Vivica Fox) is kidnapped by an Al Qaeda cell, the president orders every resource be thrown into catching Osama Bin Laden.

The CIA and special forces are ordered to immediately step up their campaign in the wild tribal areas of North West Afghanistan where it is believed Osama is hunkered down in a complex network of caves, protected by his fundamentalist inner circle and local Pathan tribesmen.

The president also calls into action his old special forces buddy, Colonel McStealth, the man he respects and trusts more than anyone.

McStealth has a hunch though and does not think Osama is in Asia at all. McStealths gut is telling him that Osama is holed up in the surburban sprawl of the Birmingham Coventry metropolis. If there is one thing the president knows it is that when McStealths guts speak, you had better listen.

New Possible Film Titles

2009-07-29T14:07:00.002+01:00

Strike for Justice
McCrackshot: Beyond Redemption
Cards on Fire
Calling John Freedom
Syria: Undercover Agent
Bring Me Osama

2068: Titan Voyage

2009-07-24T14:46:00.003+01:00

Its the year 2068 and global warming is causing a series of global catastrophes decimating the human population and threatening the existence of mankind.

The president orders the execution of Project Titan, the colonisation of the moon Titan.

Leading Astronaut, Kirk Faststrike, must take his team Sugar (Leoni Lewis) and DoubleX (Chris Rock) to Titan and start preparing the atmosphere for humans.

What noone knew is that they are not the only living beings on Titan and whatever is on the planet is not keen on human company.

The future of the entire human race is in one mans hands, Faststrike. This summer, he must kick alin ass to save Earths.

Firestorm in Cairo

2009-07-22T14:22:00.004+01:00

Steven Seagal stars, writes, directs, produces, sings and caters in this uber high octane action film due out free with Readers Digest this autumn.

Seagal stars as Lt Col Jag Iceblast, head of training and special operations at SEAL commando forces headquarters. A natural linguist and martial arts expert, Iceblast retired as a SEAL commando when his wife was killed in revenge for him taking out some terrorist punks. He now enjoys a quieter life training the best of the best to be better becoming the damn ultra best, the pinnacle of the best of the best, the ultimate best, just not quite as good as Iceblast, who remains 'The Best of the Best'

When Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer a breakaway Al Qaeda ultra violent cell strikes at a US warship off the cost of East Africa, the president (Hugh Lawrie) condemns the attacks as barbaric and inhumane. The next day, the presidents daughter (Lady Gaga) is taken in a highly organised kidnapping from her university campus in Houston.

Within weeks, videos appear of Mary Jane on Al Jazeer and it becomes clear that Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer are holding her in Cairo.

The president orders Iceblast to get out of retirement, drop into Cairo with a team consisting of a handful of hand picked specialists, save the presidents daughter and destroy the terrorist organisation.

What complicates matters is that the man behind the kidnapping is former SEAL turned terrorist, Grist Feecler (played by Kevin Costner), Iceblasts old partner, who defected shortly after his wife was killed.... was he connected?

Iceblast has 72 hours to assemble his team, fast talking MC Krisp (Vanilla Ice), and psychic, Pixie (Katie Holmes) and get them to Cairo.

TAGLINE:

Retired, washed up, drunk but the only man the president trusts with his daughters life

SCRIPT EXCERPTS:

Iceblast: Let her go Feecler, this is between you and me now
Feecler: Ha ha ha ha - Your wife begged for mercy Iceblast, and now so will the presidents daughter
Iceblast: Im gonna mummify you Feecler, you're ancient history

Big Mac McNutscruncher

2009-07-16T16:27:00.003+01:00

Mac McNutscruncher (Seagal): You had better put down that pistol or I'll take it from you

Harkon Beast (Wesley Snipes): Yeah and how you gonna do that... voodoo magic? ha ha ha ha

Mac McNutscruncher: This is your last chance

Harkon Beast: No Mac, its yours

Mac steps into Harkon smashing his elbow into his temple, a dazed Harkon, amazed at how fast Macs moves were staggers backwards

Mac: Goddam it, you better talk I want the codes to the nukes and I don't want to have to use any of my old techniques

Harkon: Dammit, how did you disarm me like that

Mac: You remember from 'Nam, I'm faster than you Harkon, faster than you will ever be, now what about those codes

Harkon: Its Niner Double Oscar Sixer Black Double Strike

Mac: OK, one last thing... where is the presidents daughter?

Extract from Big Mac McNutscruncher hopefully never released anywhere

DRIVEN TO KILL: Unbelievable REAL FILM

2009-07-13T11:18:00.005+01:00

My good god - Seagal has just realesed his new film, Driven to Kill. I summarise it below to show a few things. Firtsly, just how appaling it sounds. Secondly, just how close it is to the scripts I write for him. Most of the required elements are there. Reference Site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1227177/

DRIVEN TO KILL

Straplines:

They took his daughter. So he's taking them down.
Revenge is not always sweet
Some fathers fight for justice... Others for revenge.

Seagal stars as Ruslan Drachev, a highly-respected former enforcer in the New York-based Russian Mob, who long ago abandoned the gangland lifestyle to pursue a more peaceful career as a crime novelist. But his world is turned upside down when he learns that his daughter is engaged to marry a Russian gangster who also happens to be Ruslans cold-hearted nemesis from the bad old days.

STUFF I LOVE

Seagal actually speaks with a Russian accent in this.
It failed to enter the top thirty DVD charts
In the states you can get it delivered for just over 8$

Furnace of Hell

2009-07-09T23:07:00.003+01:00

Mike McFurnace: Im going back in there to save Sarah-Jessica goddam it

Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace, you're the best damn firefighter in the service but I cannot let you go back into that burning towerblock, it's suicide.

Mike McFurnace: Look chief, the only thing standing between SJ and a fiery hellish death is just my bare hands but damn it, I'll try

Chief Braun: You're the bravest son of a bitch but Jesus I cannot let you it's an order now stand down

Mike McFurnace: Sorry Chief, I didn't here the last bit now you do what you have to do

Chief Braun: If this goes wrong McFurnace I don't know if I can cover your ass with the Mayor

Mike McFurnace: If this goes wrong chief I won't have an ass now get out of here

Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace (wipes tear from eye) you represent everything brave and free in America

Mike McFurnace: Sure Chief, but it's time for me to get my suntan (smiles, lowers viser)

Extract from Furnace of Hell out in a Woolworths clearance outlet near you in time for the Summer holidays

Fire Strike Team

2009-07-07T15:00:00.003+01:00

When the presidents daughter is kidnapped from her backpacking tour of South America, a global crisis starts that threatens the world itself.

Mary Jane (Amy Winehouse) is taken by a shady fundamentalist group known only as Triple F, who are committed to returning us to the 15th century and are trying to start a global nuclear war.

In these circumstances, when things get this serious, there is only one team to call. Not the marines, not the SEALS, not special forces. This requires the damn very best. The president must pick up the red phone and speak to Lt Col Viper Doubleshot (Seagal) and his crack team, Wipeout (Vanilla Ice) and Demure (Janet Jackson). The unit known in the inner circles of the pentagon as Fire Strike Team.

The mission will take the team to all corners of the globe and to confront the ultimate evil. Catch it at specialist cinemas and DVD bins from September.

Winner of the Bristol Councils Achievement Award for Films shot Entirely in Bristol.

Washed Up Celebrities

2009-07-02T11:53:00.003+01:00

Writing films for Steven Seagal can be a tiring business.

The hard bit trying to keep a steady stream of celebrity hungry no-bodies dumb enough to appear in a Seagal film. I know I have repeated many of the celebrities I have used and some of my favourites are Kerry Katona, So Solid Crew and Martine McCutcheon.

The challenge is finding a celebrity that is definitely not A list and may be struggling to be B list. They need to be desparate and fit one of the stereotypical Seagal roles:

1. Unplausibly Hot Totty caught up in drama
2. The Bad Guy - The bad guy is usually the leader of a bunch of mercenaries (often worked with Seagal in some sort of military past) and so the ability to frown is vital
3. Jive Talkin Street Hip Dude - Watch 'Today You Die' to see what I mean... painful.

Anyway, my life could be made easier by a fellow blogger who is producing a steady stream of washed up celebrities. Watch this space for their inclusion in my scripts!

No Holds Barred

2009-06-29T15:10:00.003+01:00

Steven Seagal plays Mike McIron in this thrilling cage fighting movie.

McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.

Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.

However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.

Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.

What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.

Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.

Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)

Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.

Fire with Fire

2009-06-08T12:15:00.003+01:00

Steven Seagal plays Butch Sureshot is this straight to DVD bargain bin thriller.

Sureshot is an LA firefighter who leads a team dealing with high risk situations in LA and California. He starts to suspect something is wrong when an arsonist starts leaving booby traps for his team.

Could this have something to do with his old special forces sargeant Tarquin Blackness who everyone thought had died in Iraq?

Thankfully he has his old buddies Zipwire (Shaun Wright-Phillips) and Cocunut (Amanda Holden) along to help him out.

First to Strike

2009-06-05T18:11:00.004+01:00

Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Mike Bushmaster in 'First to Strike' a thriller based on the first Iraq war. Bushmaster is a marine Captain and is charged with holding a small fort until support arrives.

When Bushmasters squad are cut off in Al Aqar Alsamaad a remote and wild region in the northern territories, defending a fort under orders, all at first seems well.

Soon the fort is besieged by thousands of Iraqi militants intent on destroying the fort and it's occupants. Low on ammo and food, Bushmaster must win theminds of his troops with his displays of utmost bravery.

Thankfully two of his closest buddies Slickside (Eddie Murphy) and Bust-e (Jordan) are along to help and they ain't gonna give up that fort.

First auto-generated Seagal Film! THE COLD WARRIOR

2009-06-01T11:59:00.003+01:00

The Cold Warrior

In this exciting thriller, Seagal plays Strike McRough a logger from Chicago.

When the senators daughter is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on Tarquin Cage (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who was his commanding officer in basic training.

What the punks don't know is that Strike was a Japanese master martial arts warrior and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.

Thankfully he has CraXX and Chocolate along for the ride played by Mr T and Martine McCutheon respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.You can watch The Cold Warrior this summer on Betamax.

Randon Film Maker - 16 Elements to a Seagal Film

2009-05-26T15:19:00.001+01:00

OK - the time has come to have a go at a random film generator.

This is how it works. I have a spreadsheet with 16 dynamics. Each dynamic has 5 options.

All you have to do is let mwe know your selections from each of the 16 categories - e.g. 1:3, 2:3, 3:1, 4:2, 5:5, 6:3, 7:1, 8:3, 9:4 etc etc all the way to 16. Post your selection in the comments and I will generate the film of your numbers against the script below.

The (Dynamic 1)(Dynamic 2)

In this exciting (Dynamic 3) genre film, Seagal plays (Dyanmic 4) a (Dynamic 5) from (Dynamic 6)

When (Dyanmic 7) is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on (Dynamic 8) who was his (Dynamic 9) in (Dynamic 10). What the punks don't know is that (Dynamic 4) was a (Dynamic 15) and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.

Thankfully he has (Dynamic 11) and (Dynamic12) along for the ride played by (Dynamic 13 and Dynamic 14) respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.

You can watch (The Dynamic 1) (Dyanmic 2) this summer on (Dynamic 16).

Swift, Cold Justice / Cleaning up Downtown

2009-05-22T12:31:00.004+01:00

It is 1992 and the hard streets of Detroit are terrorised by gangs intent on flooding the city with a new powerful drug, cake, which is killing the kids.

Steven Seagal plays Mike McJustice, a local hardware store owner who is fed up of punks ripping up the neighbourhood.

With the police powerless, McJustice starts catching local hoodlums and teaching them self worth through training them in the martial art of Ko Phu Manku which teaches power, self respect, flexibility, love and how to bust a punks face in ten places.

Despite some feel good scenes where they clean up graffiti and tut-tut at some syringes they find, his neighbourhood crew comes under attack from city officials who suspect them of being a renegade bunch of vigilantes and also from the dangerous rival gangs who cannot tolerate members leaving, getting off the cake and leading rewarding lives.

In a series of showdowns, McJustice and his team have to defeat the rival gang lead by Dec-Adent (Graeme Le Saux).

Reviews

Furniture Makes Monthly Digest: I had no idea what was going on for most of the film, not only was it bad it was uncomprehensibile
Detroit Times: Disgusting - Not even playing at being a movie, ridiculous. Simply the worst thing that has happened in our metropolis
The Financial Times: Was this a comedy? I don't know what to say.

Did you know: As well as directing and starring in the film, Seagal also wrote and rapped the hip hop sound track including 'Whatz da score' and 'At 'cha wiv ma blood'

Seagals Crew - Played by East 17 and Associates

Lodown
Juxta
Mashete
Hangloose
Constricta
Same 'ol
Rebound

XT4: Military Prototype

2009-05-18T15:35:00.004+01:00

Coming this summer to a Poundland near you is Steven Seagals latest action thriller 'XT4: Military Prototype'

Seagal directs and also plays Viper Coldstone a SEAL Captain who is the very best of the very damn best. On a secret covert strike mission deep in the Bolivian rainforests, Coldstones team are comprimised and mostly wiped out. Coldstone himself barely survives and is in a coma for 3 months.

To appease the press and the UN, furious at military action contravening international law, the US government paints Coldstone as a renegade and a traitor, acting alone.

When Coldstone comes round, his missing limbs have been replaced by state of the art super fast, super strength robotic limbs.

He is now Americas most sophisticated, most advanced and most expensive piece of military hardware but he is mighty pissed off.

Now he must get to the bottom of who really betrayed his team and why Colonel Sewidge is still on his case. Sent on another certain death mission in the North African deserts, Coldstone will start to unearth the truth about who wanted him dead. His fight will take him to the heart of blackness and before it is over he will have to break into the Pentagons inner chambers and fight an array of computer generated improbable military robotic machines.

Thankfully he has his trusty SEAL sidekicks, MC Fresh (Coolio) and Bubbly (Paris Hilton) along for the ride.

This film also trys to answer the eternal riddle, what is it that makes us human? In a thirty minute monologue after the final credits, Seagal trys to answer that very question.

Excerpt.

Coldstone: I just do not understand, I followed orders, was a patriot, almost died, was reborn with artificial limbs without my permission, lost my team, took the blame for something that was not my fault, became an international hate figure and now you want me to go to Tunisia to chase down this terrorist and rescue the senators daughter

The President: Do it for America son, god bless America.

Critical Coverage

Air India In Flight Magazine: Laughable
The Sun: Insane but moving
New York Times: At times ugly, at times exhilirating - It asks the question what is life for? What else could one expect of a film... destined to be a heroic, illustrious and historic moment in film

The Tiger Man

2009-05-15T12:20:00.003+01:00

It is 1978 and a serial killer is loose on the streets of New York City. Detective Farlington Condor (Seagal) is assigned to crack the case, three weeks before his retirement.

The killer leaves a hallmark Tiger Claw at the scene of each brutal killing but leaves no other trace.

Condor seems to be more involved than the DA would like though which is not surprising. Condor believes that the killer is leaving messages for him. When a child, Condors parents were killed by a Tiger in China and he joined a Monastery where he learned the mysterious part martial art, part philisophical religion 'Tiger Kung Fu'. He also drives a car with tiger print seat covers and drinks tiger beer.

Could the serial killer that has a grip of terror on the city somehow be connected to Condors past?

Thankfully, Condor is not working alone. With his two trusty sidekicks, Rebound (XT from the So Solid Crew) and Stiletto (Lily Allen) Condor will try and solve the sinister murders and will try and find out the secretive past of Worm Goldsachs (Jeffrey Archer) who turned up just as the killings started.

Daily Mail: Terrifying, completely terrifying
Time Out: Honestly, I am lost for words
Shrewsbury Gazette: Free with Fridays paper

The Dangerous Road

2009-05-12T23:15:00.003+01:00

Steven Seagal stars as Joshua Shotgun in The Dangerous Road out on VHS this Autumn.

Shotgun is a Nevada trucker transporting goods all over the USA. Ona routine trip to Canada, things start going horribly wrong for Shotgun. He finds himself being pursued by a motorbike gang intent on stealing his cargo.

What the 'Bad Vibes' chapter do not know is that Shotgun is a former presidential bodyguard and can handle himself. Plus, he soon calls on fellow truckers, fast talkin Crackattack (Ian Wright) and Minxy (Sarah Palin) to help out.

What follows is a series of incredible bike / truck driving and fighting stunts which will make you think 'as an intelligent person why am I expected to watch this'

The Independent: Unbelieveable

The Hard Way

2009-05-08T12:22:00.003+01:00

The Hard Way is the latest project written (script and score), directed, starring and produced by Steven Seagal.

Seagal plays Jed McTafferty an ordinary Texan oil rigger whose life is thrown into turmoil when his best buddy is murdered. It turns out his best buddy was a spy for the Chinese government intent on stealing oil and energy secrets for the Chinese.

Jed is initially accused of the crime and so starts to investigate his buddys dubious past. He turns over one too many rock though and the Chinese government kidnap him, take him to Guam and start torturing him to find out what he knows.

In gruesome torture scenes which will remind you of Saw, The Hostel or Wimbledon, McTafferty has to use his stamina to endure unbelievable suffering. All he has to do is kiss his torturers hand whilst on one knee and they will let him go, but that flys in the face of McTaffertys Texan morals and so he prefers to have burning coals applied to his skin.

He is determined to do it, the hard way.

Ultimately he escapes, teams up with an unlikely pair of renegades called Crazyjuice (Mike Skinner) and Kula Demure (Gisele) and kicks some Chinese ass.

Poised to Strike

2009-05-04T22:27:00.004+01:00

This summer coming directly to a DVD bargain bin by you is Steven Seagal in Poised to Strike.

Burlington Eagle (Seagal) is the leading LA narco officer. Specialising in deep covert undercover stealth silent solo surveillance (or DCUSSSS as its known on the force), Eagle is the best of the best of the best of the best. He trains the best to be the best but is still the best.

When Eagles cover is blown on a black ops undercover mission, he suspects there is a mole on the force. Evidence suggests his boss Princeton Eel (played by Omid Djalili) is behind the leaks.

To get to the bottom of the corruption on the force, Eagle has to take his most dangerous mission yet. He goes undercover into the cities most dangerous gang, the Red Vipers, a vicious mixture of Jamaican and Latino gangsters. To fit in, Eagle must black up and be convincing whilst sporting a mexican accent.

Fortunately he takes his two top lieutenants with him, Xtype (John Fashanu) and Trixy D (Jodie Marsh).

Certificate 18: Features gay nudity and badger baiting (simulated)

Eel: What the hell are you playing at goddam it - pull this stunt again and I'll drag your ass down to the DA so fast you won't know whats hit you
Eagle: Something stinks and Im going to get to the bottom of it
Eel: What the hell are you suggesting, tread carefully Eagle or Ill clip your wings
Eagle: The thing with eagles is they soar looking for prey.... good night chief

Xtype: Yo yo big daddy mac whats the crack jack triple mac going down over the bridge
Eagle: Flipside Xtype, gonna need you on this one but its dangerous, you in?
Xtype: Im so hot to trot the lots gonna go to pot, lets roll (locks and loads)

Glare of Death

2009-05-04T18:04:00.003+01:00

Its 1480 and in the Japanese province on Hu Shan, the Shogun Kal Sin (Matthew Broderick) is ruling with an iron fist. When a peasant village party celebrates beyond 7pm (outlawed) the Shoguns spies report back. Kal Sin is outraged and determines that the village should be destroyed, every man, woman and child killed.

Although the Shoguns forces are vast, they do not count on Kendo Steel (Seagal) who has mastered an ancient Japanese martial art called PoPhu Claw. That he is good is in no doubt, but could Seagal be the Prima Makshu, a mystical reborn master from ancient times.

Find out this summer if you still have VHS as 'GLARE OF DEATH' hits the screens.

Daily Mirror: Simply obnoxious
Telegraph: Thought provoking
New York Times: Better than 'Poised to Strike' but worse than 'The Dangerous Road'

Winner of the Ivorian Coast National Film of the Month Award for Best Film Shot Partly in Black and White

Streets of Rage

2009-05-01T15:36:00.002+01:00

By popular demand, Steven Seagal turns up as (name change from suggested) Cordell Rage in this high octane adventure due out in Blockbusters £1 bin this bank holiday weekend.

Rage lead a hip hop skateboard crew called 'Black Ice' based in LA. When a rival hip hop skateboard crew 'Plunder' take his girlfriend hostage demanding that Black Ice pull out of the California skateboard championships, the crew are enraged. Plunder have the backing of the triads who have placed a monster bet on them winning the championship.

Cordell is furious and along with fellow crew members, fast talkin' Moneytryx (Ashley Cole) and Amazonia (Cheryl Cole) he sets out to take his revenge. This summer, when the half pikes stop, you don't want to be on the streets of rage.

Excerpts from Interview with Seagal:

Peterborough Chronicle: Is it true you didn't actually get ona skateboard throughout the entire filming of the project?

Seagal: Yeah, although my jujitsu mastership gives me ultimate control of balance, using my powers this way would be wrong so I asked the producers would could be done and they came up with some whizzkids in from Hull St Josephs Six Form who created state of the art CGI to create stunning life like stunts from me on a skateboard. At one point I have to kill a shark in the water using my board as a surf board, in another scene I have to use the board to stop bullets flying at my best mate, fast talking Moneytryx. You have to see it.

In Harms Way

2009-04-29T12:51:00.002+01:00

This summers straight to Living TV blockbuster features Steven Seagal playing Macintosh Harm in 'In Harms Way'

This pchological thriller starts to unfold when Macintosh Harm, a former seal, finds his best Nam buddy dead and his wife kidnapped. He immediately contacts the authorities to report the crimes but is told that not only wasn't he married but he has never served in the armed forces either.

The mysterious Dr Schlock (Chris de Burgh) tells him he has been suffering from Ostoprictoontalorisosis a brain disease that leads you to compelling believe a false memory you create for yourself.

Confused, Harm hits the bottle but when former friends turn up from his Seal days.. XP (Chamillionaire) and Sugar Desire (Tamzin Outhwaite) his confusion deepens.

Who can he trust... Is he mad.... or is the government trying to silence him.... why does he keep having flashbacks to an experimental army training camp for the best of the best and a room full of medical equipment....

One things for certain, in his quest to find the truth, you do not want to get in Harms way.

Always Look Angry

2009-04-28T08:50:00.002+01:00

Steven Seagal takes time out from making Oscar-worthy Action/Drama Movies to play Mitch Kowalski in romantic comedy 'Always Look Angry'.

Windowed Mitch is always to busy at the precinct to make time for his young daughter Cassie, who predicts that if he continues to look so angry, the wind will change and he'll be stuck like it.

As Cassie predicts, one Summer morning; Mitch is stuck with an angry face and has to get a passport photo! This is only the start of a bad week for Mitch, which includes a Yoga Class, and a date with the precinct psycologist!

Watch as he tries to cope with daily activities with his face set to angry; but also connect with his daughter again, and find love.

Rated PG 13.

Executive Decision 2: A Tougher Decision

2009-04-27T08:44:00.002+01:00

Executive Decision 2 takes off where the previous story left off. Whilst everyone is happy that the plane was landed safely, no one can get the death of Lieutenant Colonel Austin Travis (Seagal) out of their minds.

After seeing Jurassic Park, Dr. David Grant (Kurt Russell) sets upon resurecting Austin from some of his DNA left on his SWAT mouthpiece. This is mostly successful, however the new 'Austin' (nicknamed Texas - also played by Seagal), has a meaner-than-mean steak and is using his new DNA-superpowers for evil.

Little does everyone know that Austin Travis did not die during the events of the last film, and infact landed in a forest in Mexico, and has been in hospital recovering. When he finds his way back to Washington on foot, having learnt the way of the Indian on the journey - he finds himself handed a battle to convince everyone he is alive, and then a fight to the death against Texas.

Watch this straight to VHS movie from May 1st 2009

Why did we make another one? It was an executive decision!

Hands of Fate

2009-04-24T12:25:00.001+01:00

In the intrepid days of the old West, men knew how to be men, they drank, they fought and they played poker.

Macintosh Pistol (Seagal) is an outlaw trying to get back to Mexico to save a woman he knew many years ago. He doesn't have the money to travel and so has to win it at the poker table. Being a master of cards, this doesn't present a problem until he comes across Gorrinton Dark (Max Clifford in an acting debut).

Dark heads a devious gang that terrorises commuities, bullies implausibly good looking defenceless women.. and he cheats at cards.

Can Pistol fight his way out of town after exposing Dark for what he is?

Find out this summer.... Primark Productions presents.. Hands of Fate.

STRAPLINE: The saloon is swinging, the guns are slinging and the parrot is singing

Fight for Survival

2009-04-22T14:55:00.000+01:00

Its 2036 and mans brutal war with the intergalactic Zodon alien race is nearing its end .... and man isn't winning.

At risk of losing the Earth, the president of the Global American Defence Network ,which has assumed responsibility for saving the planet gathers the greatest minds of the day, Janice GoodEnough (Carol Vordeman), young Harvard whizz Zizzi Curvest (Shannyn Sossamon) and Professor Frank Coldheart (Seagal).

The science brains have devised a formula which can adjust a mans DNA, to create superhumans capable of faster movements, incredible feats of strength and immense stamina.

Coldheart decides to take the serum himself but is he too late or can he save the Earth.....

Lightening Strike II

2009-04-21T10:21:00.000+01:00

When Jake Lightening (Seagal), a Seal captain, takes his men deep into the Guatemalean jungle pursuing child molester and drug trafficing lord, Vince Vermince (Michael Barrymore) he soon finds he is on one of the most dangerous missions of his life.

A freak storm washes all of their kit away and the 3 seals (Lightening, GTX played by Shaun Wright-Phillips and Volumptua played by Jordan) have to rely on their field skills to survive and complete their mission.

Glock: The Persuader

2009-04-19T16:37:00.000+01:00

In this exciting mysterious action thriller, Steven Seagal plays Cartier Glock a hitman for hire, if you can find him.

When Honey Penny-Goldhearts, played by Pamela Anderson, lawyer husband is killed, she hires Glock to track down and punish the perpetrators.

Blah blah blah... more than he can chew ... blah blah.... most dangerous.... but the punks dont know what they are dealing with... blah blah blah

Get Involved

2009-04-16T12:19:00.000+01:00

Here are three potential films. Please leave comments voting for the one you would like scripted up and leaving any suggestions for characters, plots, actors etc.

1. Covert Desert Strike
2. McStealth: Silent Assasin
3. Shogun of Detroit

Jesus Christ McNutsBuster

2009-04-15T09:52:00.000+01:00

DA: Christ, McNutsbuster, I told you to stay clear of chinatown ... I know they killed your partner and wife but hell you've got to keep it together son

McNutsBuster: Whatever you say chief

DA: Take a break McNutsbuster, take some leave and sort your head out. I don't want to see you until after the anniversary of your wifes death. In fact, you could test these advanced weapons for me while you are on leave. Just stay away from Chinatown and the triad leader Hoo Chin Bassai

McNutsbuster: I cant make promises chief

DA: Your good McNutsbuster, damn good and I don't want to lose you. We need men like you but your also a renegade, an out of control maverick shooting first asking later, drinking and women. Damn it.

McNutsbuster: You are not making sense any more chief.

DA: I know, damn it.

Excerpt from Bring me McNutsbuster due out on Channel Five for May Bank Holiday.

Escape from Death

2009-04-14T16:08:00.000+01:00

Plot Synopsis: Detective Red Horrigan, Seagal, must foil a terrorist organisation made up of disgruntled special forces veterans. But this time, he's teamed with a rookie female partner, Peach, Lily Allen, that he's not too excited to be working with.

Peach: Don't they know we are on their side

Horrigan: They don't know good from evil, we have to teach them it..

Peach: How?... they won't listen Horrigan, damn it, even to you, they just won't listen

Horrigan: Don't worry Peaches, they will listen .... to my fists

Straplines:

'Lunatics are on the loose.... one of them is Detective Horrigan'
'35 special forces specialists..... one Detective Horrigan, fair fight?'

Silent Deep Sleeper

2009-04-05T21:20:00.000+01:00

Due out in the Summer of 2009 comes this evocative action thriller around the sensitive subject of islamic fundamentalist groups and their threat to society.

When several terrorist acts against the United States by an extreme muslim terrorist group Al Alham Allahahalalal Ahhahhammannallal cause widespread panic, the president demands that his security teams get an undercover infiltrator into their highest echelons.

FBI chief Cronie (played by Alaistair Campbell) calls out former Seal and security expert Jaguar Silverfire (Seagal). Once they have him sobered up (He lost his wife in a recent terrorist strike) they brief him on what is set to be his most dangerous mission.

He is to go to the North Western provinces of Pakistan, deep into Taleban held land and infiltrate Al Alham Allahahalalal Ahhahhammannallal as a young freedom fighter hell bent on the destruction of the West. Armed with a smattering of Pashto, a suntan and a kick ass attitude, Silverfire is parachuted deep into enemy territory and is completely alone.

Under Siege 3: Blade Strike

2009-04-03T10:23:00.000+01:00

Following the internationally acclaimed success of Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (What do the words Dark Territory have to do with the film??), exciting news breaking is that Seagal is to star in the third installment of a sensational trilogy.

The story so far...

Casey Ryback a former seal is best buddies with a warship Captain in the US Navy. The warship is hijacked by a group wanting to steal the nuclear warheads... little do they know the chef is the best of the best of the best of the best, until he kicks their ass.

Some years later, the unfortunate Ryback is caught up in another unlikely sounding potential disaster.. Five million tons of hijacked train. One billion dollars of satellite weaponry. Two American cities targeted for nuclear destruction. Sounds like another job for Ryback and it is not long before he kicks some punk ass.

Now in the third installment, Ryback is working undercover as a janitor on the international space station which has been armed with state of the art laser beam weapons. Russian cosmonaut Kald Karackovian (Ronnies evil dad from Eastenders) arrives with a crack team of KGB agents intent on taking control of the station in order to threaten Brazil into becoming part of a new Russian empire. Little do they know that the janitor on the space station is the best of... etc etc, its time for Ryback to kick ass.

STRAPLINE: Time to put the punks into orbit.

Winds of Innocence

2009-03-30T15:46:00.000+01:00

Mafia Boss (Ricky Gervais): You dress like a leader but you talk like a killer

Ranger Stern (Seagal): Don't bite off more than you can chew

Mafia Boss: What you gonna do when we got Mary Jane held hostage

Ranger Stern: Look me in the eye and you will understand the answer

Mafia Boss: Just lock and load Ranger, you're going to go to Washington and kill the president if you want to see your daughter again

Ranger Stern: When the eagle flies, no mouse moves.... you can count on it

The top ten rules of a Steven Seagal film...

2009-03-27T13:20:00.000Z

I have to say I was really impressed with the work put into creating the top 5 rules for a Seagal film .... watch the film it is funny....

I have decided to take their original five and add five from my own expertise and observation:

1. You can't kill him (As far as I know he only died on screen once in Executive Decision where he had a minor role)
2. He never reloads ... ever
3. Innocent people will get hurt
4. A baby may get hurt during the film!
5. He never makes love until the credits roll!

OK my five are:

6. He has to have a secret ex military / intelligence / martial arts background
7. He has to partner up with either a hot chick or a street talkin black dude
8. Not only can't you kill him, you cannot hurt him either (can you remember any injury?)
9. There has to be an implausible anti globalisation / environmental message in the film
10. At some point the bad guys have to discover his secret background and look a little stunned typically with the master bad dude saying 'Goddamn it you fools he is the best of the best, I know we send ten guys up there to get him... they will be dead already...'

Take the Shot

2009-03-25T21:27:00.000Z

'Jesus Titty Mother Bitchin Christ.... Take the Shot Sargeant Gritt'

'Damn you Fritz, there are woman and disableds down there... no way'

.... extract from Take the Shot starring Steven Seagal and Johnny Vaughan

McCourt: Freedom Giver

2009-03-24T17:45:00.000Z

Steven Seagal plays John 'Freedom' McCourt in this tense action thriller due in cinemas (if you can find it) this May.

McCourt is a Texas ranger used to all sorts of trouble but even he is surprised when an African witch doctor turns up in Holten (pop 2,500) and tells him that the world is doomed unless he saes it - It turns out McCourt is the last in a line of global protectors and only he can save the entire world from plague.

McCourt must complete a number of unusual tests before he can succeed:

1. Calm a live Tiger until it eats chicken from his palm
2. Swim to the Titanic and retrieve a mystical gemstone
3. Win a kung fu competition blindfolded

Thankfully, McCourt is not alone - McCourts sidekicks, Penny Heart (Martine McCutcheon) and MastaBlast (Ian Wright) are along for the ride.

Quotes from the film

Penny Heart: 'Goddamn it McCourt you can't tame a tiger with that Kung Fu eye to eye nonsense, I care too much to see you hurt'
McCourt: 'Yeah but someones gotta save humanity.... but hey Ill be thinkin of you, you look good in that Bikini'

Mastablast 'Mo fo to the max big bro its whack mack to think you swimmin down to that wreck bro'
McCourt: 'Yo yo big man but my mind over matter approach makes the impossible possible'

Media Quotes:

Washington Post 'Simply astounding.. fresh, innovative and moving. This could do a Slumdog!'

Peterhead Chronicle 'If a dead person was offered two hours more life to watch this, I am sure they would regret it'

London Evening Standard 'I can safely say this is the only film that made me want to burn my face off and repetitively stab my testes with a biro'

Grizzly: The Shepherd

2009-03-23T13:09:00.000Z

In this summers ice cool straight to Channel 5 movie, Seagal stars as Chance 'Grizzly' Striker, a logger in a remote Canadian town inside the Artic circle.

When gas exploration multi-national CORRUPX decides to explore the area for minerals, Striker and the locals start a petition.

CORRUPX are not the kind of company to delay for due process however and after having cash offers for land turned down by the environmentally concious inuits, they commence a campaign of harrasment that ultimately leads to murder.

Soon they send an army of renegades led by Frixel, played by Neutrino from So Solid Crew to take out Striker and his harmless villagers. Frixel is an ex loan shark who enjoys killing people for small change.

What they all do not know is that Striker is not just some local logger. After his parents were killed for defaulting on a $400 side by side, he fled and spent his formative years with a reclusive sect of kung fu inuits, deep inside Artic Caves. His prowess soon had the master name him 'Grizzly: Kaui Ininuui Tuiiinth' or 'Grizzly: Shepherd of determination and leader who shall save us from evil spirit'.

Now it seems that the loan sharks have sought out to ruin Strikers life once again but this time his fear is defrosted.....

In a film that bares some resemblance to 'On Deadly Ground', you will laugh and cry and nod your head as the expected stereotypical inuit hot totty turns up, implausibly scantily clad in -20 degree temparatures.

Seagal stars in Leather and Irons

2009-03-19T17:35:00.000Z

In his latest movie epic due out this Summer on Living TV, Steven Seagal stars in a remake of the classic and highly acclaimed 'ahem' Leather and Irons

John Telliman, a rich lawyer who rides bikes on the weekends, falls into some trouble with a gang of outlaw bikers and gets a case in his possession that will only bring him misery. So...what's in the case, and why do they want it.

In the updated version, Seagal opens the case in the final scene to reveal the holy grail. Incredible stuff...

Looking at the original I genuinely think Seagal would add quality to this film!

New Epic Clash of the Big Boys!!

2009-03-18T18:09:00.000Z

There are completely unfounded rumours currently exciting the upper echelons of the LA set that Seagal, Van Damme and Sean Connery are teaming up to sort out once and for all who is the daddy on our cinema, or possibly TV, screens.

The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.

Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).

Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.

To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.

Will Seagal win the day?

In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said

'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'

Spot the fabricated plotline....

2009-03-16T07:41:00.000Z

Can you tell the plotline that is not a Seagal film????

PLOTLINE ONE - This movie tells the story of a man who goes undercover in a hi-tech prison to find out information to help prosecute those who killed his wife. While there he stumbles onto a plot involving a death-row inmate and his $200 million stash.....

PLOTLINE TWO - In this action thriller, an LA cop finds his partner killed in cold blood. His revenge knows no limits and will take him to the heart of the corrupt city administration....

PLOTLINE THREE - An ex-CIA agent's quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will stop at nothing to save her.....

Sidekick Potentials

2009-03-13T13:57:00.000Z

These are some of the sidekicks I am considering for inclusion in a Seagal script.

HOT FEMALES

1. Sweet Hunter
2. Penny Velvet
3. Easy Goodheart

STREET TALKIN JIVIN PARTNERS

1. Nitro
2. Stryke
3. Master XC

Potential Seagal Character: McTwist

2009-03-09T19:02:00.000Z

Here is another that occured to me earlier:

Colonel Jack McTwist - He could star in Stick or McTwist a film where some nuclear warheads have been stolen by a renegade team of ex Ukranian special services punks (similar to Under Siege) - The thing is the Ukranian main bad dude (who has had a run in with Seagals Character before, possibly over a women, who may also turn up) likes to gamble and is offering the US authorities the warheads back if they hand him McTwist....

It sounds straight to DVD..

It sounds like it needs a caption such as: They had the world at their feet should they stick or McTwist (god thats awful)

Extract from Dying to Kill

2009-03-09T15:46:00.000Z

Seagal is sniping a terrorist suspected of kidnapping the presidents daughter.....

HEAVER: 'Christ McSurefire you'll never make that shot its 450 yards with 30 click gusts and a target bobbing and weaving through a childs playground'

MCSUREFIRE: 'You focus on the paperwork, Heaver, leave the dirty stuff to me...'

HEAVER: 'You do not have clearance to take the shot, repeat, you do not..'

MCSUREFIRE: '(Shoots) Tell it to the president (arab man drops in distance)

HEAVER: 'Damn you McSurefire you are an alcholic renegade but you're good, damn good, you blend in to these Middle East countries like a local, christ in a crowd you just seemlessly mingle in. Let's get the hell out of here before Muqtada's men arrive'

Potential Seagal Films

2009-03-06T20:24:00.000Z

Here are five of the titles I am considering working on - One day Mr S will star and possibly direct one of these films:

1. Strikedown for Justice
2. Sheriff Harlington Rock
3. Breakout from Irongate
4. Elite Extraction Force
5. Take Him Down

Any preferences? Anyone listening?

Jesus McBullet....

2009-03-04T22:27:00.000Z

" Jesus-H-Titty-Mother-Bitchin-Monkey-Beans McBullet, next time you head into Chinatown take some damn back-up - You might have kicked those punks ass but the DA is twisting my nuts over this one."

Extract from 'Get me McBullet' starring Steven Seagal and Stan Collymore

Which of the following is a genuine Seagal character?

2009-03-04T15:50:00.001Z

One of the following names is a real character that Mr Seagal has played ... which on is it!?!?!

Butch McCafferty
Harrington Steele
Mason Storm
Lt Colonel Buck McCross
Buxton Stand

WORKING TITLES: Strikedown: The Nuetraliser / Beyond Breaking Point

2009-03-03T10:32:00.000Z

Steven Seagal directs and stars as Hawk ‘Chips’ Strikedown in this romantic action comedy due for release in the fall of 09.

Strikedown is a cop on the verge of retirement whose life has fallen apart. His wife was killed in a tragic tram accident and for the last two years Hawk has spent time at the bottom of the bottle.

Hawks new boss Dino Fluerie, played by Jay Leno, is piling on the pressure because of Strikedowns unconventional no nonsense approach, even though he gets results.

Seeing an opportunity, his ex partner from ‘Nam Phillip McBlack, played by Michael Barrymore in his Hollywood debut, kidnaps Strikedowns daughter, Honey. McBlack is demanding Strikedown steal the LAPDs 2.3 tonne pile of cocaine implausibly kept in a top security hold at LAX.

McBlacks problem is that Hawk is the best of the best of the best of the best of the very damn best. When Special Forces have a super secret covert mission, Hawk is the only man they trust to frown severely enough. Hawk calls on his old special forces buddies .. expert disguise and misinformation agent Buxom Green, played by Carmen Electra and fast street talkin, jivin’, XXC Blast, played by Khanye West.

Will Hawk save Honey and put McBlack down. Who is the mysterious ‘man in white’ behind it all who smokes the same brand of cigar as Fluerie, Hawks boss? Plus, how did the punks know when Hawk was on duty, how did they get his shift patterns?

Get the answers, if you need them, to these questions and laugh, cry and probably do a little wee during this high octane rollercoaster of a film this Autumn.

Run Time 62 Minutes

Starring
Hawk Chillington – Steven Seagal
Dino Fluerie - Jay Leno
Buxom Green - Carmen Electra
XXC Blast - Khanye West
Phillip McBlack - Michael Barrymore

Media Quotes
‘Frankly absurd’ Time Out
‘Why?’ GQ
‘I will never get that time back’ Polly Undercracker, The Mirror
‘This film is absolute ...... good ..... interesting ....... you must ..... see it’ The Guardian

Awards / Nominations
National Ostrich Federation - Best use of Ostriches in an action film – Nominated
Darlington Festival of Film and Crack - Best Film - Winner

FIRE WITH FIRE

2007-06-17T20:37:00.000+01:00

Seagal plays Franco Barbosa, a long serving member of the US Army whose friend since birth Jo-Jo (The Rock) is taken hostage by a violent terrorist group in Baghdad. The group are demanding the release of militant leader who is held deep within the US Army base, and are making low-quality video demands across the TV networks that if he isn't released; Jo-Jo will die.

Franco's boss Sgt. Jim Bauer (played by Morgan Freeman in his 605th role as military sargent) takes the government's line that they will not negotiate with terrorists, so Franco plans to break in to the base and take militant leader hostage for himself. Barbosa plans to use his 'gung-ho' approach to get his friend back unharmed; and beat the no-good terrorist that their own game. He's fighting fire with fire.

EAST VS WEST

2007-06-14T11:35:00.000+01:00

Steven Seagal plays MC RICO McCARVER, a Straight-up-R&B-garage-house-folk DJ from the Eastside caught in a bitter war of pure hate with the rival West Coast crew. Rico’s own band of artists are trying to defuse the situation with their breakthrough album ‘Hate the Hate’ and are days away from cutting their first record deal.

Rico’s right-hand man and friend since birth RedBlade (played by Richard Blackwood) is brutally murdered, and the group begin to suspect West Coast superstar’s MC DeadWeight (played by Hugh Grant) and 2-much-bling (played by Graham Le Saux). Just as the 2 teams are about to lock horns; it turns out that RedBlade was killed by fellow East Coast rappers in an attempt to keep the feud alive. Now Rico and his remaing crew; BackWood (Robbie Earle) and Tess-T-Fi (Sara Cox) have no option but to team up with their enemy’s to resolve their internal war.

They won’t be spitting rhymes, they’ll be splitting heads.

The beat isn’t in the club, its on the streets.

It’s a thug’s life.

They’ve got to rap this up.

Hatin’ the hate – East Vs. West – in cinemas June 2007.

Die To Let

2007-06-01T15:36:00.000+01:00

Steven Segal plays Mitch McCormack; a die hard landlord who has to evict a number of no-good punks that have taken residence in his new apartments. The law states that he cannont use excessive force, but Mitch has other ideas. Jason Donovan also stars.

FACTIONS OF DEATH

2007-04-12T11:04:00.001+01:00

Steven Seagal writes, sings, juggles, caters, produces, directs and stars in the modern day thriller Factions of Death. Playing Detective Vic Steamer, Seagal has stumbled upon a serial killer that posts clues about his next victim on his own blog. Tired from sleepless nights and battling an alcohol addiction, Steamer struggles to decipher the next target before it’s too late only to find the killer’s next prey is his own twin brother Alex (Lenny Henry).

With time counting down, Vic rushes across town, following clues left on the killer’s website before his brother is killed so brutally that they’ll need for than one body bag. Terry Wogan also stars as Vic and Alex’s dad, Cleveland.

Operation: Jumpzone X288

2007-04-11T12:09:00.000+01:00

Steven Seagal stars as Todd Dagless, America's top Navy SEAL paratrooper. His next mission involves a dangerous drop over South Korean waters to save the Presidents Daughter (played by Judy Dench) from the hands of long-term nemesis of the U.S; Ruben Hussein (Denzel Washington).

Todd seems to think something is suspicious about the mission when his contact from intellegence gives him evidence that it is a setup. It seems that Good Old' Uncle Sam (Bill Murray) wants Dagless and the Presidents Daughter dead; and if Todd makes the jump, it could be the last jump he jumps ever.

Can Dagless trust his closest friends; Mutt (Ice Cube) and RC (The Rock) who are also due to take the jump? As the plane takes flight, Dagless has a tough decision to make.

Tails You Lose

2007-03-08T23:00:00.000Z

Quinton 'Q' Chance (Seagal) has his life turned upside-down by the flip of a coin. A serial killer is on the loose; and his calling card is a coin left tails-up at the scene. Q is the best guy on the force, and he's hot on the killer's heels and he's taking down everyone in the way. Q's best friend Agent Lord (Vinnie Jones) is always on his side in a fight - until Chance arrives at Lord's apartment to find a coin; heads down. Revenge is on the cards, no matter the odds.

LemonFree

2007-03-06T00:46:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] www.lemonfree.com is a genuine 100% FREE car listing website with Used Cars For Sale. Have up to 10 pics and unlimited text for your old car for no cost - and you don't even need a credit card to verify. The site is very minimal, with a really simple basic search; choose your desired car and area, and within seconds you have a list of suitable vehicles. You can also just pull out models such as the BMW 3 Series, Toyota Tacoma or Honda Odyssey to name just a few - you can find out exactly where these cars are on offer across the US and Canada.

One Man Attack

2007-03-04T12:07:00.000Z

Action is on the cards as Jace Tosca (Seagal) has to face his greatest foes... his friends. As a cop in downtown NYC, Jace finds everyone on the force turns on him when he is framed for the murder of his own wife. One by one he takes down his own collegues as he finds a web of conspiracy leading to one sick individual. Alan Dale (The O.C. / Ugly Betty) also stars.

Betfair

2007-03-04T10:37:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] Once again the Cheltenham races are upon us; meaning a quick flutter for a number of us locals. Betfair 'does what is says on the tin'; it's fairer betting. Commission levels are around 3% as you actually bet against other individuals. I don't think I will be able to get up to the race course this year, so i'll be doing my cheltenham betting with

Time For Pain

2007-03-04T10:31:00.000Z

Steven Seagal plays Tony Axe; an ex-navy seal turned private detective who is granted a licence to kill by the local authorities for 24 hours to find out who is running the crime syndicate that is strangling the city. He only has one day to get to the bottom of this by taking down whoever he wants - with the law on his side! Rated PG13.

CouponChief

2007-03-03T01:57:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] - Coupons are by far one of the greatest things. In the UK at Christmas a popular wine merchant "accidently" released a coupon for 40% of wine and champaign. It was only meant to be for staff to give to family etc... The word got around and the voucher was dupicated over 1 million times! The shop actually reported massive profits from this! So expect another big batch of 'accidental coupons' next christmas season. couponchief.com has a huge directory of web coupons for a range of products and services. Why not check out the Staples discount coupons?

Out For A Kill

2007-03-03T01:50:00.000Z

Steven Segal plays Robert Burns (not that one) who is an archaeologist that basically pisses off a chinese crime syndicate who in turn frame Burns for murdering his assistant. They then kill his wife, and wreck his house. One by one he takes down the syndicate until he finds the boss, and takes him down!

Seagal: The Lowdown

2007-03-01T12:18:00.000Z

Have you taken the time to look at Steven's impressive list of action flicks? If not, head over to IMDB - it even tells you when the next Seagal film is on! Execuitve Decision is on twice, possibly one of his best roles; the tough guy who sacrafices himself. What a guy. Here in the UK, 'Out for a Kill' was on last night (staring Bill Wang). I wasn't impressed.

Free Gas Logs

2007-02-21T23:27:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] If Steven Seagal needs to buy some gas logs as either a gift for a loved one for example he would head on over to desatech. They have a wide range of gas heaters, mantels and stoves for indoors, and also patio heaters for the outside to. Going back to gas logs, you can get them for natural gas or propane. You can get the cool ones that build into a wall space - these are called Fireboxes I believe. Build your own fireplace on the site with free shipping available in some areas. Seagal would say; 'Their fiery good.'

Mercenary For Justice

2007-02-19T23:20:00.000Z

The film centers around former Gulf War veteran turned mercenary John Seeger (Seagal) who is being hunted by the CIA. He returns back to America alive, but the Agency is still looking to kill Seeger. To do so, CIA operative Dresham (Luke Goss - from 80s pop sensation 'Bros') cuts a deal so that Seeger will be forced to take another job that will allow the CIA to assassinate him.

TRIVIA: At about 54 minutes and 52 seconds into the movie, during a fight scene, you can clearly hear a crew member yelling "Cut!" in the audio track as Seeger picks his victim off the ground.

Security Systems

2007-02-17T18:27:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] Lets talk about Security Systems. Now-a-days, burglar alarms are simply not enough, and this company www.lasershield.net are able to offer a wide range of portable security systems that are easy to install and are suitable for home, apartment or the workplace. If you want to add or upgrade your security to combat the high-tech criminal of 2007, LaserShield products are available from all good stores of local Comp USA, Home Depot, Costco, Kmart, Montgomery Ward, Sears and more. You could of course just hire Steven Seagal to take down no-good punks that are sniffing around your house for you. He might not be pet-friendly though.

Seagal Vs. Wikipedia

2007-02-17T18:22:00.000Z

I'm starting to think that Seagal has been editing his own Wikipedia entry. Where there used to be a rather unflattering image of Seagal, is now a rather 'ready-for-action' pose. Plus the page now talks ALOT about his good deeds in life. I reckon that he's either been on it himself; or a really big fan is looking for brownie points.

Just Say Hi

2007-02-17T02:13:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] 'Just Say Hi' isn't a brand new Steven Seagal film about extortion and terrorism, but a new dating website that is absolutely 100% free - yes you read it correctly 100% free dating services. No credit card is ever required, and you can search through a huge selection of single people like yourself. If only I could find a women obsessed with Steven Seagal films, photoshop and website optimisation. You can search by state or city, but unfortunately no UK support yet. But if you are in the US - head to www.justsayhi.com now and find the person of your dreams.

Fat Lady Sings

2007-02-16T12:20:00.000Z

Seagal plays Duke Swift; Head of Security at Carnegie Hall who has to stop a plot to kill the President's daughter (played by Sammy Winward from Emmerdale) in the mist of the biggest opera of the year. The potenital assassins think it's an easy job, but Swift; a retired Commando has other ideas. He has until the end of the opera to stop the bad guys, and win the girl. It aint over... 'till the fat lady sings. Richard Blackwood also stars.

PPP!

2007-02-15T18:51:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] I have to talk about www.payperpost.com, which is where all of these sponsored posts come from. PPP (Pay Per Post) pays bloggers for posting about selected companies products and services. For example; I have posted about cellphones, Florida, credit cards and loans and so far have earnt over $200 in a month. PPP only make 35% on every post; and a friend of mine was lucky enough to meet the guys behind the site at an SEO show in London recently, and he said they were top blokes, and gave him a massive novelty pen.

Back to the posts, each one has a specified number of words, and has criteria like a certain link, or image - plus the blogger has to always disclose a sponsored post. Once a post has been approved, and been live for 30 days, payment comes via Paypal.

In my opinion, it is a great service; you can do it as much or as little as you like (up to 2 posts per registered blog a day). You can make money blogging no matter how big or small your blog is. As Seagal would say; 'Go for it fellow bloggers' - but I can't promise that Seagal is a blogger.

2 Steps Back

2007-02-15T16:47:00.000Z

This is Tim's concept for a scene from '2 Steps Back'. Just to set this up, Seagal plays 'Mandrake Mack' who wants to quite his life as a debt collecting bully and turn his life around. His boss 'Gary Gritter' has other ideas...

Mandrake: Yeah what do you want Gritter
Gritter: One last job
Mandrake: No way Im out remember
Griter: Your out when I tell you you are
Mandrake: Go to hell Gritter
Gritter: Shut up Mandrake

Mandrake grabs Gritter across the table and raises his fist angled expertly, ready for the kill

Gritter: I wouldn't do that if you want to see Mary-Ann again Mandrake
Mandrake: What did you say?
Gritter: You heard me, I saved you the trip to pick her up from school today, shes safe for now but you better listen - Theres one last job, you know the one they call Stumpy Sue, she owes me $23 and it seems that people think I'm going soft. Pay her a visit and make her understand, be physical, do your ..
Mandrake: Godammit, you crazy mother, you want me to defile her over 23$
Gritter: Get out Mandrake I dont want to see you till its done.. PRECIOUS .. get in here and bring my special powder, my whisky and your younger sister
Mandrake: You've gone wrong Gritter
Gritter: You used to be a man Mandrake, now look at you, I have no respect for you
Mandrake: You keep dragging me back, Ill do this last thing for you but I want you to know Im doing it for Mary Ann not for you or for the 23$
Gritter: Yeah well you had better be quick because I might just pay Mary Ann another visit and give her something special
Mandrake: You sicko, you are always dragging me two steps back, I want to get out of this life, I want out so bad.. and also people dont respect the planet just like you dont respect me .. why cant more corporate firms be like 17to40.co.uk and give more back?

Seagal's New Old Face

2007-02-12T23:02:00.000Z

The big face debate - 2 recent Seagal films. Notice his face? It's the same! Cheeky martial arts expert Seagal obviously doesn't pose for DVD covers any more.

iTaggit

2007-02-12T22:48:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] What is iTaggit I hear you ask? If you think it sounds like a cool new website, you'd be right. Basically its a site where you can organize your collectibles and share them with other web users. There is everything from comics, records, toys and much much more on the site. See pictures of other peoples stuff. I hope the site doesn't give any hint to people addresses, imagine that! 'Here is my collection on priceless vases, i'm off on holiday for 2 weeks - enjoy!' I'm sure it is all safe and secure, and the next big thing.

Attack Force

2007-02-12T22:45:00.000Z

Seagal plays Marshall Lawson, a man who loses his strike-team in a cold-blooded and seemingly random attack. After he takes it upon himself to investigate the suspicious circumstances of the brutal killings, he uncovers CTX Majestic, a covert military operation so secret, that now the military wants Marshall eliminated.

Online Flowers

2007-02-10T00:23:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] Steven Seagal wouldn't order flowers for his loved one, because he'd be busy revenging her brutal death. We can't all be like Steven Seagal, as much as we'd like to. With Valentine's day around the corner; flowers are a must. Just for you; here is a site that offers online flower delivery.

Time For Pain

2007-02-10T00:14:00.000Z

Steven Seagal is Don Jakes, a roughneck ex-army colonel who finds his best friend murdered after his stag night. Don finds out that his friend was the only witness in a horrific murder case. Jakes must find out who killed his friend and make sure they are bought to justice. Film formerly called 'HURTS LIKE SHIT'.

Italy!

2007-02-07T00:12:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] When Steven wrote the part of Gino Felino in Out for Justice, i'm sure he had the beautiful property in Tuscany in mind. And why not? Click to check out the amazing views of vineyards and superb Italian buildings. This site tells you how to buy your own.

Today You Die

2007-02-07T00:06:00.000Z

Harlan Banks (Steven Seagal) is a Robin Hood-type thief who is trying to go straight. In one last hit, Max (Tighe) wants him to drive an armored truck across Vegas but what Banks isn't told is that he is really going to be a getaway driver in an armed robbery. As a result, Harlan lands in prison. There he meets Ice Cool (Treach), and the two break out so Harlan can seek revenge on those who set him up.

Christian Ronaldo

2007-02-05T23:55:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] Christian Ronaldo; Class or Ass? You have to give credit as he has scored some pretty awesome goals for Man United, but on the flip side; I'll always remember him for actively getting Rooney sent off in the World Cup (which seems to be swept under the rug now.) Click for a Cristiano Ronaldo fansite with videos and stuff.

Full Of Bullets

2007-02-05T23:44:00.000Z

Steven Seagal is Felix Bauer, who finally snaps when crime and drugs take over his neighbourhood. Armed with a shit-load of bullets, Felix heads out to take down the scum on the street, one punk at a time. Also staring Ben Hull (Lewis from Hollyoaks)

Loanwize

2007-02-05T23:05:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] - Apparently at one stage or another, we all need to borrow money; whether it be from a friend or a bank. Loanwize are able to give you advice and information about all types of loan including; poor credit loans, personal loans and secured loans. They are a UK site, with plenty of help on the site. I want to get a loan to finance a new Steven Seagal film; any from below will do... how about 'Death is Deadly' filmed somewhere cheap, perhaps the Isle of Wight? I think Seagal would be up for it.

Never Die First

2007-02-05T22:48:00.000Z

Steven Seagal and Ja Rule take on the Russian Mafia in 'Never Die First' - from the director of Starship Troopers 2. Seagal plays Lt. Carl Bates a hard-ass cop caught in precinct of corrupt officers. With fellow officer Jay Gatz (Ja Rule), Bates is out to clean up the cop shop in time for beers at the local bar.

[This is a Sponsored Post]

2007-02-04T16:53:00.000Z

I'll always remember Mint Credit cards as being the ones with the curved edge on the bottom right corner. I'd consider them pioneers as the credit card hasn't changed in 37 years. They now offer a pre-pay credit card which works like a gif voucher. This is a great idea, as gift vouchers can limit you to various shops. These are able to be used in all shops that except cards, and look really flash as a gift! 0% interest on balance transfers until December 2007. Now, if Seagal could sharpen the rounded corner and use it as a weapon...

One Last Breath

2007-02-04T16:27:00.000Z

Johnny Masters (Seagal) is finding out that his last day on the force is far from a 'walk in the park'. A serial killer has taken hold of the city, and Johnny has up till midnight to legally be able to dish out justice... one punch at a time. Featuring hits from Steven Seagal's upcoming album 'Anger Management'.

CardGuide

2007-02-03T01:01:00.000Z

[This is a Sponsored Post] There are so many different types of credit cards in the UK, some from banks, supermarkets and other financial companies. Some offering 0% balance transfers and some compare credit card offers. What would Steven Seagal do? Probably get a card with a built in blade so he could take out loads of punks with one swipe - hang on, wasn't that The Glimmer Man?