Mission to Highschool

In this hilarious late summer family comedy stroke action thriller romance, Steven Seagal plays Butch McToughshot a presidential bodyguard and martial arts expert.

Tougher than the toughest, McToughshot is the presidents most trusted personal protection agent.

However, McToughshot is in for a shock when the presidents daughter starts complaining that the school jock, Mitch Clean (McCauley Caulkin) won't take her to the school prom.

The president sends McToughshot in to Burlington High with a mission to persuade Mitch that the presidents duaghter, Candy (La Roux) is worth taking to the ball. Hilarity follows as McToughshot goes back to school to persuade fellow students he is only 15 and persuade Mitch that Candy is the pick of the year, all while not busting some kids faces up!! How will McToughshot fare in his exams, the school football team and being the new school hunk!

The film takes a sharp turn from comedic to the romantic though when McToughshot falls for his new teacher Miss Volumptua (Jordan).

Then, in another sudden change of pace, all hell breaks loose when it turns out that the drama group is an undercover Al Qaeda cell intent on destroying the school and killing the presidents daughter.

In violent dramatic action scenes, McToughshot must fight alone to save Burlington High, Candy and Miss Volumptua leading to climatic scenes where he only has time to save one of their lives...... catch it all on Mission to Highschool this summer

REVIEWS

Daily Mail: Confusing - Was I meant to take my kids to this - The first hour seemed to suggest yes but after the chemical attack on the school assembly, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to show facial burns to my nine year old son

Shrewsbury Evening Chronicle: Desperate, unfortunate, disjointed, bizzarre, surreal, shambolic - The first half is an extremely poor comedy with unfortunate twinges of paedophilia in my view, the second half is a bizarre twist into Seagals normal territory as if the director realised the first half was rubbish and was trying to save it for the small hardcore Seagal fanclub.

Bring Me Osama

Bring Me Osama

In this sensational summer blockbuster, Steven Seagal, plays Colonel John McStealth out in a WHSmiths mega bucket near you.

When President Ruben Davenports (Harlow Washington - Denzels Brother) daughter, Cherry (Vivica Fox) is kidnapped by an Al Qaeda cell, the president orders every resource be thrown into catching Osama Bin Laden.

The CIA and special forces are ordered to immediately step up their campaign in the wild tribal areas of North West Afghanistan where it is believed Osama is hunkered down in a complex network of caves, protected by his fundamentalist inner circle and local Pathan tribesmen.

The president also calls into action his old special forces buddy, Colonel McStealth, the man he respects and trusts more than anyone.

McStealth has a hunch though and does not think Osama is in Asia at all. McStealths gut is telling him that Osama is holed up in the surburban sprawl of the Birmingham Coventry metropolis. If there is one thing the president knows it is that when McStealths guts speak, you had better listen.

Firestorm in Cairo

Steven Seagal stars, writes, directs, produces, sings and caters in this uber high octane action film due out free with Readers Digest this autumn.

Seagal stars as Lt Col Jag Iceblast, head of training and special operations at SEAL commando forces headquarters. A natural linguist and martial arts expert, Iceblast retired as a SEAL commando when his wife was killed in revenge for him taking out some terrorist punks. He now enjoys a quieter life training the best of the best to be better becoming the damn ultra best, the pinnacle of the best of the best, the ultimate best, just not quite as good as Iceblast, who remains 'The Best of the Best'

When Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer a breakaway Al Qaeda ultra violent cell strikes at a US warship off the cost of East Africa, the president (Hugh Lawrie) condemns the attacks as barbaric and inhumane. The next day, the presidents daughter (Lady Gaga) is taken in a highly organised kidnapping from her university campus in Houston.

Within weeks, videos appear of Mary Jane on Al Jazeer and it becomes clear that Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer are holding her in Cairo.

The president orders Iceblast to get out of retirement, drop into Cairo with a team consisting of a handful of hand picked specialists, save the presidents daughter and destroy the terrorist organisation.

What complicates matters is that the man behind the kidnapping is former SEAL turned terrorist, Grist Feecler (played by Kevin Costner), Iceblasts old partner, who defected shortly after his wife was killed.... was he connected?

Iceblast has 72 hours to assemble his team, fast talking MC Krisp (Vanilla Ice), and psychic, Pixie (Katie Holmes) and get them to Cairo.

TAGLINE:

Retired, washed up, drunk but the only man the president trusts with his daughters life


SCRIPT EXCERPTS:

Iceblast: Let her go Feecler, this is between you and me now
Feecler: Ha ha ha ha - Your wife begged for mercy Iceblast, and now so will the presidents daughter
Iceblast: Im gonna mummify you Feecler, you're ancient history

Big Mac McNutscruncher

Mac McNutscruncher (Seagal): You had better put down that pistol or I'll take it from you

Harkon Beast (Wesley Snipes): Yeah and how you gonna do that... voodoo magic? ha ha ha ha

Mac McNutscruncher: This is your last chance

Harkon Beast: No Mac, its yours

Mac steps into Harkon smashing his elbow into his temple, a dazed Harkon, amazed at how fast Macs moves were staggers backwards

Mac: Goddam it, you better talk I want the codes to the nukes and I don't want to have to use any of my old techniques

Harkon: Dammit, how did you disarm me like that

Mac: You remember from 'Nam, I'm faster than you Harkon, faster than you will ever be, now what about those codes

Harkon: Its Niner Double Oscar Sixer Black Double Strike

Mac: OK, one last thing... where is the presidents daughter?

Extract from Big Mac McNutscruncher hopefully never released anywhere