My good god - Seagal has just realesed his new film, Driven to Kill. I summarise it below to show a few things. Firtsly, just how appaling it sounds. Secondly, just how close it is to the scripts I write for him. Most of the required elements are there. Reference Site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1227177/
DRIVEN TO KILL
Straplines:
They took his daughter. So he's taking them down.
Revenge is not always sweet
Some fathers fight for justice... Others for revenge.
Seagal stars as Ruslan Drachev, a highly-respected former enforcer in the New York-based Russian Mob, who long ago abandoned the gangland lifestyle to pursue a more peaceful career as a crime novelist. But his world is turned upside down when he learns that his daughter is engaged to marry a Russian gangster who also happens to be Ruslans cold-hearted nemesis from the bad old days.
STUFF I LOVE
Seagal actually speaks with a Russian accent in this.
It failed to enter the top thirty DVD charts
In the states you can get it delivered for just over 8$
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Furnace of Hell
Mike McFurnace: Im going back in there to save Sarah-Jessica goddam it
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace, you're the best damn firefighter in the service but I cannot let you go back into that burning towerblock, it's suicide.
Mike McFurnace: Look chief, the only thing standing between SJ and a fiery hellish death is just my bare hands but damn it, I'll try
Chief Braun: You're the bravest son of a bitch but Jesus I cannot let you it's an order now stand down
Mike McFurnace: Sorry Chief, I didn't here the last bit now you do what you have to do
Chief Braun: If this goes wrong McFurnace I don't know if I can cover your ass with the Mayor
Mike McFurnace: If this goes wrong chief I won't have an ass now get out of here
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace (wipes tear from eye) you represent everything brave and free in America
Mike McFurnace: Sure Chief, but it's time for me to get my suntan (smiles, lowers viser)
Extract from Furnace of Hell out in a Woolworths clearance outlet near you in time for the Summer holidays
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace, you're the best damn firefighter in the service but I cannot let you go back into that burning towerblock, it's suicide.
Mike McFurnace: Look chief, the only thing standing between SJ and a fiery hellish death is just my bare hands but damn it, I'll try
Chief Braun: You're the bravest son of a bitch but Jesus I cannot let you it's an order now stand down
Mike McFurnace: Sorry Chief, I didn't here the last bit now you do what you have to do
Chief Braun: If this goes wrong McFurnace I don't know if I can cover your ass with the Mayor
Mike McFurnace: If this goes wrong chief I won't have an ass now get out of here
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace (wipes tear from eye) you represent everything brave and free in America
Mike McFurnace: Sure Chief, but it's time for me to get my suntan (smiles, lowers viser)
Extract from Furnace of Hell out in a Woolworths clearance outlet near you in time for the Summer holidays
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Fire Strike Team
When the presidents daughter is kidnapped from her backpacking tour of South America, a global crisis starts that threatens the world itself.
Mary Jane (Amy Winehouse) is taken by a shady fundamentalist group known only as Triple F, who are committed to returning us to the 15th century and are trying to start a global nuclear war.
In these circumstances, when things get this serious, there is only one team to call. Not the marines, not the SEALS, not special forces. This requires the damn very best. The president must pick up the red phone and speak to Lt Col Viper Doubleshot (Seagal) and his crack team, Wipeout (Vanilla Ice) and Demure (Janet Jackson). The unit known in the inner circles of the pentagon as Fire Strike Team.
The mission will take the team to all corners of the globe and to confront the ultimate evil. Catch it at specialist cinemas and DVD bins from September.
Winner of the Bristol Councils Achievement Award for Films shot Entirely in Bristol.
Mary Jane (Amy Winehouse) is taken by a shady fundamentalist group known only as Triple F, who are committed to returning us to the 15th century and are trying to start a global nuclear war.
In these circumstances, when things get this serious, there is only one team to call. Not the marines, not the SEALS, not special forces. This requires the damn very best. The president must pick up the red phone and speak to Lt Col Viper Doubleshot (Seagal) and his crack team, Wipeout (Vanilla Ice) and Demure (Janet Jackson). The unit known in the inner circles of the pentagon as Fire Strike Team.
The mission will take the team to all corners of the globe and to confront the ultimate evil. Catch it at specialist cinemas and DVD bins from September.
Winner of the Bristol Councils Achievement Award for Films shot Entirely in Bristol.
Monday, June 29, 2009
No Holds Barred
Steven Seagal plays Mike McIron in this thrilling cage fighting movie.
McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.
Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.
However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.
Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.
What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.
Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.
Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)
Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.
McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.
Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.
However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.
Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.
What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.
Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.
Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)
Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Fire with Fire
Steven Seagal plays Butch Sureshot is this straight to DVD bargain bin thriller.
Sureshot is an LA firefighter who leads a team dealing with high risk situations in LA and California. He starts to suspect something is wrong when an arsonist starts leaving booby traps for his team.
Could this have something to do with his old special forces sargeant Tarquin Blackness who everyone thought had died in Iraq?
Thankfully he has his old buddies Zipwire (Shaun Wright-Phillips) and Cocunut (Amanda Holden) along to help him out.
Sureshot is an LA firefighter who leads a team dealing with high risk situations in LA and California. He starts to suspect something is wrong when an arsonist starts leaving booby traps for his team.
Could this have something to do with his old special forces sargeant Tarquin Blackness who everyone thought had died in Iraq?
Thankfully he has his old buddies Zipwire (Shaun Wright-Phillips) and Cocunut (Amanda Holden) along to help him out.
Friday, June 05, 2009
First to Strike
Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Mike Bushmaster in 'First to Strike' a thriller based on the first Iraq war. Bushmaster is a marine Captain and is charged with holding a small fort until support arrives.
When Bushmasters squad are cut off in Al Aqar Alsamaad a remote and wild region in the northern territories, defending a fort under orders, all at first seems well.
Soon the fort is besieged by thousands of Iraqi militants intent on destroying the fort and it's occupants. Low on ammo and food, Bushmaster must win theminds of his troops with his displays of utmost bravery.
Thankfully two of his closest buddies Slickside (Eddie Murphy) and Bust-e (Jordan) are along to help and they ain't gonna give up that fort.
When Bushmasters squad are cut off in Al Aqar Alsamaad a remote and wild region in the northern territories, defending a fort under orders, all at first seems well.
Soon the fort is besieged by thousands of Iraqi militants intent on destroying the fort and it's occupants. Low on ammo and food, Bushmaster must win theminds of his troops with his displays of utmost bravery.
Thankfully two of his closest buddies Slickside (Eddie Murphy) and Bust-e (Jordan) are along to help and they ain't gonna give up that fort.
Monday, June 01, 2009
First auto-generated Seagal Film! THE COLD WARRIOR
The Cold Warrior
In this exciting thriller, Seagal plays Strike McRough a logger from Chicago.
When the senators daughter is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on Tarquin Cage (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who was his commanding officer in basic training.
What the punks don't know is that Strike was a Japanese master martial arts warrior and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.
Thankfully he has CraXX and Chocolate along for the ride played by Mr T and Martine McCutheon respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.You can watch The Cold Warrior this summer on Betamax.
In this exciting thriller, Seagal plays Strike McRough a logger from Chicago.
When the senators daughter is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on Tarquin Cage (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who was his commanding officer in basic training.
What the punks don't know is that Strike was a Japanese master martial arts warrior and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.
Thankfully he has CraXX and Chocolate along for the ride played by Mr T and Martine McCutheon respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.You can watch The Cold Warrior this summer on Betamax.
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