In this summers topical online film release, Steven Seagal plays Karl Marxman, a tan leather coated mean son of a gun, employed as a special hit man by the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Ian O'Prudence.
Following an horrific economic crisis, the British government heroically sets out on a programme of cuts to social welfare payments to put the finances in order. Some welfare families are selfishly objecting to the cuts and stand up and protest against the very wealthy bankers and honourable private business interests who are saving the day for the country.
O'Prudence (played by Mike Reid) knows he needs an enforcer, someone to keep the evil claiming bastards in check. Plus the Primer Minister, Dave Bullingdon (played by Donald Trump in an active debut) is on his case and so he employs his old special forces buddy Marxman to clean up the dole office.
Problem is that evil Jeremiah Fylthbyn (played by Ben Elton), newly elected leader of the opposition is taking up with the lazy beggars and they are armed to the teeth.
Thank god Marxman has along for the ride, his legendary welfare claimant hunters, Honeytrap (played by Katie Hopkins) and D-Stryke (played by Dapper Laughs)
This summer, as the deficit rises, Marxman will put a benefit cap in the scroungers ass.
Quotes - Opening Scene
Marxman: Mind if I help myself (pops Champagne)
Onda Skive: Help yourself Darlin, (unbuttons top)
Marxman: Let me just relieve myself (leaves room) (returns with semi automatic with silencer and shoots Skive)...... (speaks into collar) Code Red Bedroom Tax, situation contained..... (radio crackles GREAT WORK MARXMAN!!!)
Quotes - Final Scene
Fylthbyn: OK old buddy, time to settle some old scores
Marxman: Yeah (drops gun) (fight ensues)
Flythbyn: Goddam it Marxman, you were always too fast for me
Marxman: (stabs Flythbyn with pen in throat) Jesus McFlythbyn, you always were a pen in the neck.
Reviews:
The Daily Mail *** - Essentially an interesting film of our time but it was an odd choice of the Director to give O'Prudence (Reid) a calypso accent and his own song and dance number.
The Inverness Chronicle ***** - The Social Contract has rewritten the rules for political drama. It asks the viewer unfathomable questions that will have you searching the depths of humanity, what more could you ask of a film than that.
David Starkey (Blog) - An accurate portrayal of life in Britain today, if only we had a Marxman to gun down our own waistrels.
Fabian Society Film Review * - The CGI effects involving wheelchair bound claimants being fed to sharks were disturbing, unnecessary but done with a touch of humour.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Best Served Cold
In this seasons must see futuristic crime action thriller, Steven Seagal delights in his portrayal of a brutalistic future where the punks are armed, maniacal and numerous.
Seagal wrote, leads and directs in this complex thriller, resurrecting the character Jonathan Cold from the revered and critically acclaimed films The Foreigner (2003) and The Foreigner: Black Dawn (2003).
In an interview with the Independent, Seagal revealed that the choice to bring back Cold was tough because of the danger of tainting his past work. "Cold is an established character and people really connected with his depth and complexity - Not wanting to disrupt those energies and memories in people's mindboxes leant me towards ditching the idea entirely but then Zen Master Xi Ju Kendo suggested I ressurect Cold, 120 years in the future and I thought, yeah.... yeah"
For those not familiar with The Foreigner and The Foreigner: Black Dawn, an excerpt of some of the finer moments in the film...
Background and Context
In an interview with the Independent, Seagal revealed that the choice to bring back Cold was tough because of the danger of tainting his past work. "Cold is an established character and people really connected with his depth and complexity - Not wanting to disrupt those energies and memories in people's mindboxes leant me towards ditching the idea entirely but then Zen Master Xi Ju Kendo suggested I ressurect Cold, 120 years in the future and I thought, yeah.... yeah"
For those not familiar with The Foreigner and The Foreigner: Black Dawn, an excerpt of some of the finer moments in the film...
Merideth Van Aitken: Do you have a family?
Jonathon Cold: Yeah, I have a brother.
Merideth Van Aitken: Older or younger?
Jonathon Cold: ...Wiser.
Jonathan Cold: You see, in this business... the keys to the
kingdom is weapons-grade plutonium. If you ain't got that, you ain't got shit.
Best Served Cold
Th Year is 2122 and New York City has been reduced to a cess pool of low down dirty punks who peddle crack to kids, set fire to grannies and get up to no good from Broadway to the Bronx.
Terrified and at the edge of his wits, the Mayor, Brian McHonor (Brian Blessed) becomes desperate for a hero to restore some municipal order and put down the Wild Rhino gang that are the dominant force on the streets. McHonor is approached by a young brilliant but controversial scientist, Professor Honey Brains (Alicia Silverstone) who has used reverse polametric energy fields to create a machine able to replicate humans from single cells.
McHonor and Brains make a complex moral decision that changes the future of the planet. In the face of overwhelming evil and criminality, they bring back the one man, they think can save the city from hell, Jonathan Cold.
The only issue is that the process or replication is not quite perfect and so Brains fine-tunes the rebuilt Cold with some robotic limbs and computer hardware, wired directly into his brain, giving Cold a heads up display of the world. When Cold awakes, he is furious.... Angry at being resurrected and even more furious when he finds out that the leader of the Wild Rhinos is the great grandson of the man who killed him in treachery back in the Bolivian rainforests in 2021.
The Major immediately makes Cold his Head of Justice and Judge Jonathan Cold is released onto the hard streets to deliver his justice one punch at a time. Working his way through the various layers of the Wild Rhinos with their colourful clothes and inexplicable domains, Judge Cold eventually has to face down their lethal leader, Black Dyper (Val Kilmer) in a fight to the death for the sake of Town Hall.
Thankfully, as well as Brains on his team, he has more support in the form of Detective Trippy (Andre 3000 from Outkast in an acting debut) a wise cracking cop with fast wits and faster reactions.
If you have no respect for the law, if you have a mohican in the colours of the rainbow but sport an uzi, if you threaten Colds great great granddaughter; then you better be ready, because this judge believes justice and revenge is Best Served Cold.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Mirror, Signal, Outmanouvered
This Autumn, Steven Seagal writes, directs and stars in the action drama, Mirror, Signal, Outmanouvered.
When the team of CIA Black Ops operative, Captain Jack Dagger (Seagal), are compromised on a mission in deepest Glasgow, Dagger is forced to retire in disgrace. Taking the news badly, he hits the bottle and falls back into a sullen existence as a driving instructor in Maine.
However, the circumstances of the mission failure and the stain it left on his impeccable service record remain troubling to Dagger. One day, his peaceful, if not settled, life is turned upside down as a face from his dark past turns up and asks for lessons in three point turns.
Sergeant X-Signal, an old CIA buddy who led the team supporting Dagger's team in Glasgow from Langley, has some alarming news. He suspects that Dagger was set up by an undercover Al Qaeda cell seeking revenge on Dagger for several punks that he had previously put in the ground. If the CIA has a mole, Sergeant X-Signal cannot flush it out because he is simply too close to the organisation.
Working together, X-Signal and Dagger decide to seek and destroy the infiltrators relying on their special ops skills and some pretty flimsy evidence. Thankfully, they are joined by Candi Mirror (Kim Kardashian) the only other agent they can trust inside the agency.
Friday, October 03, 2014
Check Out Time
In this Autumn 2014 release, Steven Seagal stars, directs and provides life guidance to all crew on the set of Check Out Time.
Seagal leads in the role of Chet McCody, a hotel manager in Chicago, leading a peaceful retirement after years serving as a captain in a covert US Navy SEAL team.
His hotel is honoured to be hosting the Republican Conference and with the president and other dignitaries in attendance, it is a high profile affair. Leading the security detail is McCodys old comrade from his Black Ops days, Colonel Gus Screech (Sir Alex Ferguson) and their relationship is strained. McCody knows that Screecher abandoned him and his crack team in the mountain passes of Chile in '94 and left them for dead.
The conference is going well until the third evening, when at the honorary dinner, a lavish affair; a huge cake, meant to be a gift to the president from the Republican party, suddenly bursts open to reveal IS fighters intent on taking the entire conference hostage. Incredibly, every single member of the waiting staff is also an IS fighter and it quickly becomes clear that the security breach was not due to Screech's incompetence but his complicity.
The security services are disarmed quickly and the hostages all gathered in the main hall. The building secured, the terrorists supply their demands to a weary Chicago hostage negotiator, Charles Slippers (played by Idris Elba). They want a golden helicopter, the release of 600 IS freedom fighters and a nuclear warhead to fly back to the Iraqi-Syrian badlands with, oh and some KFC.
The presidents life is in danger, is American justice and freedom going to give in to evil? Not if McCody can help it. When he saw the cake split, he immediately went to ground, using his expert knowledge of the hotel layout and abnormally large air ducts to move without trace about the hotel. He manages to team up with bellboy FastX, who loves to rap (Jamie Foxx) and hotel guest and Senators daughter Foxy (Taylor Swift) He also makes contact with Slippers and they begin to take the terrorists down, one punch at a time.
In climatic scenes, McCody must face down his adversary Screech. On the hotel roof, the two settle some old scores in a good old fashioned knife fight.
If you are an Islamic State fighter, if you plan on terrorising McCodys hotel then you better make sure you are ready for... Check Out Time.
Seagal leads in the role of Chet McCody, a hotel manager in Chicago, leading a peaceful retirement after years serving as a captain in a covert US Navy SEAL team.
His hotel is honoured to be hosting the Republican Conference and with the president and other dignitaries in attendance, it is a high profile affair. Leading the security detail is McCodys old comrade from his Black Ops days, Colonel Gus Screech (Sir Alex Ferguson) and their relationship is strained. McCody knows that Screecher abandoned him and his crack team in the mountain passes of Chile in '94 and left them for dead.
The conference is going well until the third evening, when at the honorary dinner, a lavish affair; a huge cake, meant to be a gift to the president from the Republican party, suddenly bursts open to reveal IS fighters intent on taking the entire conference hostage. Incredibly, every single member of the waiting staff is also an IS fighter and it quickly becomes clear that the security breach was not due to Screech's incompetence but his complicity.
The security services are disarmed quickly and the hostages all gathered in the main hall. The building secured, the terrorists supply their demands to a weary Chicago hostage negotiator, Charles Slippers (played by Idris Elba). They want a golden helicopter, the release of 600 IS freedom fighters and a nuclear warhead to fly back to the Iraqi-Syrian badlands with, oh and some KFC.
The presidents life is in danger, is American justice and freedom going to give in to evil? Not if McCody can help it. When he saw the cake split, he immediately went to ground, using his expert knowledge of the hotel layout and abnormally large air ducts to move without trace about the hotel. He manages to team up with bellboy FastX, who loves to rap (Jamie Foxx) and hotel guest and Senators daughter Foxy (Taylor Swift) He also makes contact with Slippers and they begin to take the terrorists down, one punch at a time.
In climatic scenes, McCody must face down his adversary Screech. On the hotel roof, the two settle some old scores in a good old fashioned knife fight.
If you are an Islamic State fighter, if you plan on terrorising McCodys hotel then you better make sure you are ready for... Check Out Time.
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
Games of Hunger
In Steven Seagals latest venture, he acts, sings and directs in Games of Hunger, name still in dispute with Lions Gate films.
The year is 3010. The Earth has been decimated by years of intergalactic
warfare and following the Saturn conflict the human race is enslaved. The overlords are led by Emperor Karcheaturghh (played by Dale Winton), a
bloodthirsty half-ling with a penchant for board gaming. He is helbent on turning Earth into a gigantic manufacturing
warehouse for his home planet of Aldic. With humans dominated, each continent is separated into a specialism. Australasia- Agriculture; North America - Mining; Europe - Christmas Wrapping and Batter based Foods.
Roaming the Pyrenees is a grizzled war veteran, Saffron Bullet. Saffron served from 2971 to 2974 as a simple rifleman in the brutal Uranus conflict, otherwise known as the flaming undercarriage. After a series of successful battles he rose through the military ranks, garnering respect from his men but jealousy from his peers in equal measure. Yet, this rising star felt his wings clipped when a visit to the local library turned messy. After being accused of unpaid fines a row erupted the likes of which had never been seen before nor likely again. Even now, 25 years on, Bullet cannot hold a book without crying, screaming or punching out in agony. Kindles are his only solace. Saffron cannot stand the imposed imprisonment of the human race and yearns to strike back.
To prevent distraction to humans, Karcheaturghh creates an annual set of deadly games whereby 12 killers are placed in an enclosed environment in the wastelands of Humberside and must fight each other to the death. Not with weapons but with popular board games created in the 20th century. Bullet volunteers and must fight for his life (and his honour) with only a Sudoku puzzle to defend himself.
Bullet soon befriends a straight talking street thug with an IQ of 152, Kunx (played by Stephen Fry). Knux comes from the tough talking streets of Basildon and soon these buddies form a
bond based on their mutual love of Monopoly and Top Trumps. They set about
teaming up to survive. A rival gang, led by Travis Balthzar (played by Steve
from Coronation Street) pick off the weaker contestants leading to an ultimate
showdown. This is not before an inexplicably hot woman, Foxy (played by
Janet Street-Porter) bursts into the game and throws herself at Bullet.
'I want you Bullet goddamn it' said Foxy.
'Is that you talking or the vicar with the lead pipe in the conservatory?' questioned Bullet.
'Does it matter' replied Foxy throwing the board to one side and revealing the fact she had been naked all along
'Checkmate' responded Bullet.
'Wrong Game Fool' shouted a concerned Knux. 'Humankind does not have a hope'
'Snap' uttered a bewildered Bullet.
As the other contestants fall Knux and Bullet find
themselves heading for a deadly showdown with Balthazars crew. With rain
pouring out of the sky the enemies meet under the glow of a red stained moon.
'This gets settled tonight' shouts Bullet.
'How?' replies a rattled Balthazar.... 'Chess, Droughts, Jenga?'
'We are going old school......
'No, not.......'
'Damn right Balthazar. Like men. With honour. It's how my daddy would have
wanted things. Knux, Pass me the Buckaroo'.
Who will survive the ultimate test
between two of the deadliest warriors the earth has ever seen. Tune into Sky Channel 456 at 00:45 to find out.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Between The Lines
This September, Syfy Hd is set to premier the latest Steven Seagal thriller, Between the Lines, in the prime 11.30pm slot.
Seagal plays New York traffic warden Kirk Torpedo a former special forces Captain who went on to provide personal protection to the president. Torpedo was the best of the best of the best of the goddamn best, an expert in Japanese martial arts, fluent in 48 languages including Sentilese the little known dialect of North Sentinel, an island that has resisted outside influence since the dawn of time and he is also able to read minds and move objects through telekinesis.
Seagal has been retired from his high action high pressure job for ten years following an attempt on the Presidents life which left his partner dead and left a bullet lodged in his own brain as he dived to save the President from the assassins fire. He now plods a downtown traffic beat, dishing out tickets, gifting Haiku poems to local shopkeepers and plays chess with old Jewish men in the park. He drinks heavily, enjoys heavy metal and loves a workout on the heavy bag.
Torpedo finds his peace disturbed one day, whilst busting a punk for Violation Code 67, parking in front of a pedestrian ramp, which carries a penalty of $165; he witnesses a kidnapping across the street, leaping into action he sprints across only to have to seek cover under gunfire. Unperturbed he moves forward again but comes under further sustained fire and it is only his ability to achieve a higher state of mind, calming each limb and nerve ending and effectively slowing time, a technique taught to him by ancient Tibetan monks in the Meili Xue Shan mountains, that means that he is able to dodge the flying bullets. His bravery although admirable does not stop the punks from escaping and as it later transpires, their prize was the Senators daughter, Mary-Jane, who they plan on holding as a hostage and treating with menacing potentially sexual looks and curled lip grimaces, the low down dirty suggestive punks.
What Torpedo witnesses and the subsequent refusal of any authorities to take him seriously is puzzling. When however, he receives a warning threatening his life, etched into the bonnet of a badly parked Chevrolet Impala he is drawn further into the conspiracy and feels compelled to put his special forces training to immediate fist throwing action.
The punks he is choosing to confront are dangerous Yakuza criminals hellbent on reducing New York to cess pit of violence but thankfully he has his parking attendant buddies, fast talking Lowjam (Pitbull in an acting debut) and stunning but deadly Lollipop (Abi Titmuss) along for the ride.
The authorities will not condone his actions because Torpedo is a known renegade, always doing what he has to do to bust those badass motorists. Yet, Torpedo also knows he is the only one that can save the girl and make sure those Japanese punks are issued with his very own style of ticket, a violation code XXX takedown.
This autumn, as the tickets and the punches fly, Torpedo is trafficking trouble to the Yakuzas. He is the only hope Mary-Jane has and she can only hope that he is prepared to act.... between the lines.
Reviews
The Guardian: I am not familiar with this genre of film but that is because I have walked on warm sand with the sound of gentle waves lapping at the shoreline; I have felt the soft caress of a woman and her warm cotton top against my trembling skin and I have brushed a tear from the cheek of a child as it looked me in the eye and smiled.
The Times: The film is a marked improvement on Seagals last efforts, The Zero Clock and Jesus Christ McCutlass!! but only in the way that having your eyes gouged out by a crack whore is better than being buried alive and on fire.
The Scunthorpe Trumpet: Magnificent, the attention to detail in the accurate portrayal of life on the gritty streets of New York for an everyday ex-special forces / presidential bodyguard / martial arts expert / traffic warden is exceptional. Although I fear that the 40 minute diatribe at the end delivered straight to camera on the perils of packing a trailer on your sports utility in an urban area felt a bit too much.
Excerpts
Lollipop: Help me, ah help me
Torpedo: I am here Sugar Plum now kiss me, ah kiss me
Lollipop: Ah Torpedo
Monday, March 04, 2013
Air Force Con
In this springs Blockbuster bankruptcy DVD bargain bin special, comes Steven Seagal starring as Lt Col Mitch McFirestorm in Air Force Con.
When the CIA uncover hints of a terrorist plot to hijack Air Force One, they need a specialist operator. Taped recordings in the maximum security Ohio State prison reveal that jihadists are plotting to take the presidents plane and crash it into the Super Bowl.
Not enough details are known and so the CIA call on McFirestorm to help them out. Sent in undercover, his legend is that of being Mustafa Murtaz a Yemeni freedom fighter caught and jailed by American Special Forces but crucially one with piloting experience. Winning the trust of his fellow inmates, he must extract information on the operation to save the president, the presidents inexplicably hot daughter, some kittens and some school kids who are all going to be aboard the plane in the final action scenes.
To complicate the mission, the CIA go through a major restructure and because all of the people who are cleared for security on McFirestorms mission and true identity are now dead or employed elsewhere, he is alone and forgotten about.
With no one believing who he really is, McFirestorm must carry the mission on and save the day. His fellow inmates start to take him on trust after he beats on a few guards and he is involved in the plot.
Broken out of prison and smuggled aboard Air Force One, McFirestorm must take down the terrorists from the inside and in climatic final scenes, persuade the presidents daughter he is on the right side, gods side to avoid being shot by special forces.
The Daily Mail: Dreadful
The Times: Filthy, a stain on film making
The New York Times: in this day and age, no actor should ever black up, period.
When the CIA uncover hints of a terrorist plot to hijack Air Force One, they need a specialist operator. Taped recordings in the maximum security Ohio State prison reveal that jihadists are plotting to take the presidents plane and crash it into the Super Bowl.
Not enough details are known and so the CIA call on McFirestorm to help them out. Sent in undercover, his legend is that of being Mustafa Murtaz a Yemeni freedom fighter caught and jailed by American Special Forces but crucially one with piloting experience. Winning the trust of his fellow inmates, he must extract information on the operation to save the president, the presidents inexplicably hot daughter, some kittens and some school kids who are all going to be aboard the plane in the final action scenes.
To complicate the mission, the CIA go through a major restructure and because all of the people who are cleared for security on McFirestorms mission and true identity are now dead or employed elsewhere, he is alone and forgotten about.
With no one believing who he really is, McFirestorm must carry the mission on and save the day. His fellow inmates start to take him on trust after he beats on a few guards and he is involved in the plot.
Broken out of prison and smuggled aboard Air Force One, McFirestorm must take down the terrorists from the inside and in climatic final scenes, persuade the presidents daughter he is on the right side, gods side to avoid being shot by special forces.
The Daily Mail: Dreadful
The Times: Filthy, a stain on film making
The New York Times: in this day and age, no actor should ever black up, period.
Friday, September 07, 2012
All Gunns Blazing
This September, coming to the blue hexagonal bins stuffed with DVDs marked up at £2, which you stumble over entering Blockbusters... comes All Gunns Blazing, a new project written, directed, produce and conceived by legendary action star, Steven Seagal.
As an ex SEAL Captain, Gunn McSteel cuts a surprisingly gentle image. If you were to shake his hand and stare into his cold eyes, you would see the hardness formed in the lowland swamps of Borneo. Examine his skin closely and you would see the cracks from days spend in a foxhole blasted by the Sharan sands. Yet, McSteel is a man who has settled into a new retired life, that of a simple taxi driver, moving passengers from A to B and imparting some Buddhist wisdom to one and all in peace and harmony with the streets of LA.
On one monumental day though, McSteel finds himself thrust back into the hellish maw of danger and he has to unleash his tremendous powers of hand to hand combat.
Picking up a passenger from the docks, it seems a simple ride to Chinatown. His passenger seems the normal sort, well dressed, polite; but somethign is not right. After the drop, McSteel realises that the well dressed man overpaid and resolves to track him down from clues he picked up during the ride.
What starts as mysterious, turns into a web of intrigue and eventually, McSteel finds his target in an abandoned warehouse where McSteel witnesses him and his crew murder a senator and kidnap her daughter. Before he can intervene, the murderers have fled.
McSteel knows that implausibly he needs to sort this out himself and resolves to track down the punks and serve up a steaming slice of justice.
Thankfully he has the assistance of Candy (played by Davina McCall), his kind-hearted taxi company caller and Slipstream (Eminem), a street rapper well known to McSteel.
This Autumn, when it comes to stopping terrorists punks, you know that Seagal will go down All Gunns Blazing.
Reviews:
The Mirror: 1 Star - A truly strange film, the clues McSteel had to work on were proposterous and why was he so intent on returning $3 in the first place?
The Independent: 5 Stars - Haunting and tragic, uplifting, a film that stirs the very soul and asks the most simple and childish of questions... why?
Script Extract:
McSteel: Yo yo Slipstream, whats up with the flow?
Slipstream: Big daddy whac mac brother...
McSteel: I need to know where a man running north on 4th went, he was wearing a grey suit, 5 10 180 pounds...
Slipstream: Say what bro, your the daddy and thanks for saving my little sisters life... He went to Old McKenzies bar and strip joint... but I didn't say anything and I didn't see anything... Be careful if you go near that place... there are rumours
McSteel: What rumours?
Slipstream: I can't say any more..
McSteel: Catch you on the flipside, stay slippy...
As an ex SEAL Captain, Gunn McSteel cuts a surprisingly gentle image. If you were to shake his hand and stare into his cold eyes, you would see the hardness formed in the lowland swamps of Borneo. Examine his skin closely and you would see the cracks from days spend in a foxhole blasted by the Sharan sands. Yet, McSteel is a man who has settled into a new retired life, that of a simple taxi driver, moving passengers from A to B and imparting some Buddhist wisdom to one and all in peace and harmony with the streets of LA.
On one monumental day though, McSteel finds himself thrust back into the hellish maw of danger and he has to unleash his tremendous powers of hand to hand combat.
Picking up a passenger from the docks, it seems a simple ride to Chinatown. His passenger seems the normal sort, well dressed, polite; but somethign is not right. After the drop, McSteel realises that the well dressed man overpaid and resolves to track him down from clues he picked up during the ride.
What starts as mysterious, turns into a web of intrigue and eventually, McSteel finds his target in an abandoned warehouse where McSteel witnesses him and his crew murder a senator and kidnap her daughter. Before he can intervene, the murderers have fled.
McSteel knows that implausibly he needs to sort this out himself and resolves to track down the punks and serve up a steaming slice of justice.
Thankfully he has the assistance of Candy (played by Davina McCall), his kind-hearted taxi company caller and Slipstream (Eminem), a street rapper well known to McSteel.
This Autumn, when it comes to stopping terrorists punks, you know that Seagal will go down All Gunns Blazing.
Reviews:
The Mirror: 1 Star - A truly strange film, the clues McSteel had to work on were proposterous and why was he so intent on returning $3 in the first place?
The Independent: 5 Stars - Haunting and tragic, uplifting, a film that stirs the very soul and asks the most simple and childish of questions... why?
Script Extract:
McSteel: Yo yo Slipstream, whats up with the flow?
Slipstream: Big daddy whac mac brother...
McSteel: I need to know where a man running north on 4th went, he was wearing a grey suit, 5 10 180 pounds...
Slipstream: Say what bro, your the daddy and thanks for saving my little sisters life... He went to Old McKenzies bar and strip joint... but I didn't say anything and I didn't see anything... Be careful if you go near that place... there are rumours
McSteel: What rumours?
Slipstream: I can't say any more..
McSteel: Catch you on the flipside, stay slippy...
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Mulitple Hart Attack.....
This summer, the battle is moved from the theatre of war to the theatre of operations.
Steven Seagal plays Dr Jet Hart the finest surgeon of his generation leading a renegade but elite heart transplant team comprising of his trusted assistants, Nurse Bojangles (Pixie Lott) and Nurse Xstrike (Dappy).
When a patient who has undergone some sort of major surgery is found trussed up in Central Park barely alive, it is Harts fast response team who are called into urgent medical action.
What they find when the patient goes under the knife is truly shocking. She has a complex bomb implanted in her chest with a countdown showing that they only have a short time to save her and themselves. Incredibly, news breaks that the patient is also the presidents daughter who was kidnapped just hours earlier from her university campus.
The evil genius behind the plot is none other that Alzam Al Akhbar Ghazi (Jonathan Ross) who is demanding the release of 60 of his Black Death freedom fighters who are incarcerated in Yemeni jails.
Harts team know they only have 23 minutes to perform open chest surgery, save the presidents daughter, defuse the device and gather evidence that allows them to track down Ghazi and take him down using Hart's ex special forces skills.
Hart knows that the hospital administrators will try and tie him up in red tape and that the DA’s office is unlikely to want him and his team pursuing Ghazi with a range of high powered weapons. Thankfully, he also knows that the president will back up his old special forces buddy and so this summer, when the Hart attacks, you’d better be ready.
Quotes
Hospital Chief Nixon: Goddamn it Dr Hart, you’re performing a cardiopulmonary bypass using a Bic biro, a straw and a sharpened stick in the Hospital car park…. You cannot cut this many corners Hart
Hart: Goddamn it chief – My team and I get results…. Some kids might get shot in the face but I ain’t gonna lose the presidents daughter, not on my watch.....
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ghazi: (gun jams) OK Hart, let’s sort this out… (both men draw knifes, Hart’s is a scapel)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hart: Hold on Bojanles, these wires have a complex reverse polarity switch and the tactile pressure sensor is unusual... I've seen this bomb making before, it's smart... very smart.... cut the green one…
--------------------------------------------------------------
President: Dr Hart, I’m relying on you old buddy and so are the American people. Remember that time we drank tequila as the sun rose over the DMZ…
Dr Hart: Don’t worry about sweet Mary Anne Mr President, she is in safe hands
Reviews
Shropshire Chronicle: The film probably tried to hard, it was confusing, Dr Hart seemed to be the only resource the president had to fight these international terrorists as he didn't trust the FBI or CIA?
The Star: Action, action, action, explosions and action… awesome! 5 stars.
Steven Seagal plays Dr Jet Hart the finest surgeon of his generation leading a renegade but elite heart transplant team comprising of his trusted assistants, Nurse Bojangles (Pixie Lott) and Nurse Xstrike (Dappy).
When a patient who has undergone some sort of major surgery is found trussed up in Central Park barely alive, it is Harts fast response team who are called into urgent medical action.
What they find when the patient goes under the knife is truly shocking. She has a complex bomb implanted in her chest with a countdown showing that they only have a short time to save her and themselves. Incredibly, news breaks that the patient is also the presidents daughter who was kidnapped just hours earlier from her university campus.
The evil genius behind the plot is none other that Alzam Al Akhbar Ghazi (Jonathan Ross) who is demanding the release of 60 of his Black Death freedom fighters who are incarcerated in Yemeni jails.
Harts team know they only have 23 minutes to perform open chest surgery, save the presidents daughter, defuse the device and gather evidence that allows them to track down Ghazi and take him down using Hart's ex special forces skills.
Hart knows that the hospital administrators will try and tie him up in red tape and that the DA’s office is unlikely to want him and his team pursuing Ghazi with a range of high powered weapons. Thankfully, he also knows that the president will back up his old special forces buddy and so this summer, when the Hart attacks, you’d better be ready.
Quotes
Hospital Chief Nixon: Goddamn it Dr Hart, you’re performing a cardiopulmonary bypass using a Bic biro, a straw and a sharpened stick in the Hospital car park…. You cannot cut this many corners Hart
Hart: Goddamn it chief – My team and I get results…. Some kids might get shot in the face but I ain’t gonna lose the presidents daughter, not on my watch.....
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ghazi: (gun jams) OK Hart, let’s sort this out… (both men draw knifes, Hart’s is a scapel)
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Hart: Hold on Bojanles, these wires have a complex reverse polarity switch and the tactile pressure sensor is unusual... I've seen this bomb making before, it's smart... very smart.... cut the green one…
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President: Dr Hart, I’m relying on you old buddy and so are the American people. Remember that time we drank tequila as the sun rose over the DMZ…
Dr Hart: Don’t worry about sweet Mary Anne Mr President, she is in safe hands
Reviews
Shropshire Chronicle: The film probably tried to hard, it was confusing, Dr Hart seemed to be the only resource the president had to fight these international terrorists as he didn't trust the FBI or CIA?
The Star: Action, action, action, explosions and action… awesome! 5 stars.
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Ticket to Fight
In this springs WHSmiths bargain bin DVD blockbuster, Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Daniel Strikedown, a special forces trainer who also works as a ticket inspector on the East coast mainline.
Trouble starts for Strikedown when some punks intent on drinking and causing disruption board the train and are not responding to polite request. Things escalate though when it turns out that the group are not just a group of drunk punks but actually a terrorist cell and they plan on activating a dirty bomb in New York while travelling on the train.
What they don't know is that their ticket inspector is on to them and plans on taking them down one punch ata time.
Thankfully for Strikedown, he also has his colleagues Princess (Katie Perry) and Slipstream (Rapper Doubleshot) along for the ride.
Trouble starts for Strikedown when some punks intent on drinking and causing disruption board the train and are not responding to polite request. Things escalate though when it turns out that the group are not just a group of drunk punks but actually a terrorist cell and they plan on activating a dirty bomb in New York while travelling on the train.
What they don't know is that their ticket inspector is on to them and plans on taking them down one punch ata time.
Thankfully for Strikedown, he also has his colleagues Princess (Katie Perry) and Slipstream (Rapper Doubleshot) along for the ride.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Furious Friendly Fire
Steven Seagal plays his first drama role in Furious Friendly Fire, as Stern Winnerman - a retired army officer who has faced the harsh reality of Afghanistan.
Whilst serving his beautiful and courageous country (where a child can get a beer and a gun for a buck o' five); Stern sees his son Oscar (played by Mario Balotelli) killed during a training operation when live ammo is used. Oscar's death is covered up and Stern faces a concrete wall of red tape to find the truth. His wife (Played by Helen Mirren) disagrees with Stern, but is she hiding more than just saddness for the loss of her son?
Furious Friendly Fire features fantastic performances from Freddy Flintoff and that kid from Fast and Furious 5.
Swapping the gritty backstreets for the courtroom, and no-good punks for legally filed documents; Seagal dials up the acting as he fights conspiracy, justice, more conspiracy and a bit more justice.
From the Director of White Chicks, and the producer of Starship Troopers 8 (yes, they made more than one of them).
Coming to a free Netflix download near you in May.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Crossover: Zero Hour
Who do you turn to when there are only hours before humanity is destroyed? Who has the courage, the stealth and the steely look to save planet Earth at zero hour?
These questions and more are answered in Steven Seagals latest straight to DVD classic, Crossover: Zero Hour.
Seagal plays Mitch Shotgun an ex Top Gun pilot, special forces trainer and CIA agent. Retired after his special forces team were killed in an undercover mission in the Bolivian rainforest, Shotgun has been spending his time helping local tough kids deal with their personal issues by helping them form hip hop crews. He has a few problems of his own being a hard drinking, hard smoking and hard gambling son of a shotgun.
His world is turned upside down though when Pixie (played by Katie Perry) contacts him with some astonishing news. Pixie works, implausibly, as a climate scientist as well as topping up her salary as a part time stripper (for no good earthly reason). She has figured out that the petro chemical giant EVIX Corp. has almost pumped enough pollutants into the environment that we are almost at the tipping point, or as her team have dubbed it, Crossover.
Once passed that tipping point, within hours the Earth will become a fiery mess, a hell hole of sulphur, heat, perpetual darkness, an environment in which no intelligent life can survive (scenes shot in Hull).
Evix Corp and their snake-charm chief executive Randle Slither will not have any of it though. Neither will the US government who have branded Pixies team as crackpots.
Shotgun cannot persuade Slither to stop polluting the atmosphere either, even though he and Slither were ex Special Forces buddies until the mysterious circumstances in which Shotguns team were slaughtered in Bolivia.
With Pixie producing a digital wall clock showing a three hour countdown until Crossover, Shotgun is up against it. Slither knows he is coming and has amassed an army of mercenaries to stop him.
What he does not bank on is Shotgun having the support of Flipside, the hip hop crew he helped assemble. With the earth having just hours left, this winter, we are relying on just a handful of brave warriors.
THE GUARDIAN G2: Utter filth. My eyes burned, my soul feels raped, 1 star.
HULL JOURNAL: Even though 23 local jobs were created, this film remains a stain on our existence, although it did catch the atmosphere of the city well.
QUOTES
These questions and more are answered in Steven Seagals latest straight to DVD classic, Crossover: Zero Hour.
Seagal plays Mitch Shotgun an ex Top Gun pilot, special forces trainer and CIA agent. Retired after his special forces team were killed in an undercover mission in the Bolivian rainforest, Shotgun has been spending his time helping local tough kids deal with their personal issues by helping them form hip hop crews. He has a few problems of his own being a hard drinking, hard smoking and hard gambling son of a shotgun.
His world is turned upside down though when Pixie (played by Katie Perry) contacts him with some astonishing news. Pixie works, implausibly, as a climate scientist as well as topping up her salary as a part time stripper (for no good earthly reason). She has figured out that the petro chemical giant EVIX Corp. has almost pumped enough pollutants into the environment that we are almost at the tipping point, or as her team have dubbed it, Crossover.
Once passed that tipping point, within hours the Earth will become a fiery mess, a hell hole of sulphur, heat, perpetual darkness, an environment in which no intelligent life can survive (scenes shot in Hull).
Evix Corp and their snake-charm chief executive Randle Slither will not have any of it though. Neither will the US government who have branded Pixies team as crackpots.
Shotgun cannot persuade Slither to stop polluting the atmosphere either, even though he and Slither were ex Special Forces buddies until the mysterious circumstances in which Shotguns team were slaughtered in Bolivia.
With Pixie producing a digital wall clock showing a three hour countdown until Crossover, Shotgun is up against it. Slither knows he is coming and has amassed an army of mercenaries to stop him.
What he does not bank on is Shotgun having the support of Flipside, the hip hop crew he helped assemble. With the earth having just hours left, this winter, we are relying on just a handful of brave warriors.
THE GUARDIAN G2: Utter filth. My eyes burned, my soul feels raped, 1 star.
HULL JOURNAL: Even though 23 local jobs were created, this film remains a stain on our existence, although it did catch the atmosphere of the city well.
QUOTES
Pixie: Noone will listen to me Shotgun, I am sure my data shows we are nearing Crossover.... the sulphite monochromatic particles Evix are releasing are comining with the Sub-rapidons in the upper atmosphere and there are going to be nuclear consequences.... no one will listen, we have hours to live...
Shotgun: I am listening sweet cheeks
Pixie: but you are the only one
Shotgun: I'll make them all listen one punch at a time
Pixie: Goddam it Shotgun don't endanger yourself
Shotgun: OK Pixie now do your special dance for me
Saturday, May 07, 2011
No Quarter Asked
In No Quarter Asked, Steven Seagal stars as SEAL Captain Blade McLonegan in an all American action thriller.
When Hussain Al Maqtoum Mulgrani Hammad leader of the Red Splinter Islamic fundamentalist terror cell kidnaps the senators daughter, there is only one man to call.
McLonegan is the best, he has always been the best, but he trains the best to be better than the best so he has to be the very best of the best. McLonegan has his own battles, after a messy divorce, his drink problem worsened and his daughter won’t speak to him.
The Senators daughter is believed to be held in a secure compound in the Qaddari Hills, Northern Syria. McLonegan must drop his in crack team, fast talking Bojax (Triple Z from So Solid Crew) and Pettle (Coleen Rooney).
Together they must rescue the Senators daughter and help McLonegan find peace with himself, one punch at a time.
The problem is the pentagon wants McLonegan dead, for no good earthly reason. Even after the Senators daughter has been saved, they have to extract themselves out as McLonegans ex special forces buddy who now sleeps with his former wife is in charge of Operation Thunderclap.
Can the team get to freedom. Will McLonegan find inner peace? Find out in a WH Smith bargain DVD bucket from June 2011.
Excerpts
HAMMAD: Game over (pulls trigger, gun jams)
MCLONEGAN: OK, let’s do this old school (Drops own gun, draws knife)
Reviews
DAILY MAIL: The plot made little sense but most worrying was the CGI fight scenes and factual accuracy. It seems all of this can be sacrificed for a shot of Seagal snapping someones neck while winking at the camera…. 1 star
When Hussain Al Maqtoum Mulgrani Hammad leader of the Red Splinter Islamic fundamentalist terror cell kidnaps the senators daughter, there is only one man to call.
McLonegan is the best, he has always been the best, but he trains the best to be better than the best so he has to be the very best of the best. McLonegan has his own battles, after a messy divorce, his drink problem worsened and his daughter won’t speak to him.
The Senators daughter is believed to be held in a secure compound in the Qaddari Hills, Northern Syria. McLonegan must drop his in crack team, fast talking Bojax (Triple Z from So Solid Crew) and Pettle (Coleen Rooney).
Together they must rescue the Senators daughter and help McLonegan find peace with himself, one punch at a time.
The problem is the pentagon wants McLonegan dead, for no good earthly reason. Even after the Senators daughter has been saved, they have to extract themselves out as McLonegans ex special forces buddy who now sleeps with his former wife is in charge of Operation Thunderclap.
Can the team get to freedom. Will McLonegan find inner peace? Find out in a WH Smith bargain DVD bucket from June 2011.
Excerpts
HAMMAD: Game over (pulls trigger, gun jams)
MCLONEGAN: OK, let’s do this old school (Drops own gun, draws knife)
Reviews
DAILY MAIL: The plot made little sense but most worrying was the CGI fight scenes and factual accuracy. It seems all of this can be sacrificed for a shot of Seagal snapping someones neck while winking at the camera…. 1 star
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Jesus and Me
In Jesus and Me (banned in most Western countries), Steven Seagal plays Zorox Crossbow, a down to earth teacher in Boston in the year 2044. What nobody realises is that Zorox is actually the brother of Jesus Christ.
Unfortunately 2044 is also the breakout of World War III as America finally declares war on Botswana. As every man is drawn into this global struggle against evil, its time for Zorox to kick ass.
Thankfully as well as his laser eyes, Zorox also has his bible buddies, Hotcakes (Stacey Soloman) and JamXX (anyone from Ndubz) along for the ride.
THE GUARDIAN: Truly as bad as it sounds. Appalling, inconceivable.
THE DAILY STAR: Action packed 100% fun
Unfortunately 2044 is also the breakout of World War III as America finally declares war on Botswana. As every man is drawn into this global struggle against evil, its time for Zorox to kick ass.
Thankfully as well as his laser eyes, Zorox also has his bible buddies, Hotcakes (Stacey Soloman) and JamXX (anyone from Ndubz) along for the ride.
THE GUARDIAN: Truly as bad as it sounds. Appalling, inconceivable.
THE DAILY STAR: Action packed 100% fun
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Shock and Awe
In this summers stylish 3D bargain DVD, Steven Seagal teams up with David Hasselhoff in Shock and Awe.
Seagal plays Detective Harrington Shock a New York veteran who has scrimped and saved to gather a nest egg capable of seeing him retire to the keys to work a small honest life as a fisherman. His partner Detective Mitchley Awe (Hasselhoff) is his oldest buddy.
Get set for action though as on Shocks last night of duty, terrorists take over Carnegie Hall and threaten to blow it up with all 2,000 concert goers inside. Having snuck in, Shock and Awe must take take the creeps one by one using their stealth assasination skills they learned in Nam as special forces buddies.
Thankfully they have some help from a couple of concert goers Xjam (Some nutter from N-Dubz) and Babycham (Christine Bleakley).
This summer as the kung fu kicks off, make sure you are on the right side of shock and awe.
Seagal plays Detective Harrington Shock a New York veteran who has scrimped and saved to gather a nest egg capable of seeing him retire to the keys to work a small honest life as a fisherman. His partner Detective Mitchley Awe (Hasselhoff) is his oldest buddy.
Get set for action though as on Shocks last night of duty, terrorists take over Carnegie Hall and threaten to blow it up with all 2,000 concert goers inside. Having snuck in, Shock and Awe must take take the creeps one by one using their stealth assasination skills they learned in Nam as special forces buddies.
Thankfully they have some help from a couple of concert goers Xjam (Some nutter from N-Dubz) and Babycham (Christine Bleakley).
This summer as the kung fu kicks off, make sure you are on the right side of shock and awe.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Control, Alt, Delete
In this summers hi tech thriller, Control, Alt, Delete; Steven Seagal plays IT professor Suleiman Instinct. Instinct leads Harvards advanced research unit and is the best of the best of the best in his field of computer sciences.
When the Senators daughter is kidnapped, rather implausibly by being sucked through her facebook page; The president calls on Instinct to unhack the systems and free sweet Mary Anne.
Instinct knows he has his hands full when he realises expert hacker and former comrade (yet nemesis) from Nam, Buck Devious (played by Michael Barrymore) is behind the high tech kidnapping.
Thankfully he has ace student IT and hip hop pros, Crackside (played by Dizzy Rascal) and Vixen (Cheryl Cole) to help.
This summer when the megabites are down, Instinct has to make sure he Control, Alts and Deletes
When the Senators daughter is kidnapped, rather implausibly by being sucked through her facebook page; The president calls on Instinct to unhack the systems and free sweet Mary Anne.
Instinct knows he has his hands full when he realises expert hacker and former comrade (yet nemesis) from Nam, Buck Devious (played by Michael Barrymore) is behind the high tech kidnapping.
Thankfully he has ace student IT and hip hop pros, Crackside (played by Dizzy Rascal) and Vixen (Cheryl Cole) to help.
This summer when the megabites are down, Instinct has to make sure he Control, Alts and Deletes
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Cover of Darkness
In this summers direct to VHS classic, Steven Seagal stars as Lt Col Butch Lazerstrike.
Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.
When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.
Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas will.i.am) and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.
Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.
When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.
Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas will.i.am) and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Silent Cold Strike -
I watched parts of an appaling Seagal film last night on Channel 5 and it inspired me to get back in and write another script for our ante lead man
This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.
When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.
Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.
Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.
Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)
This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.
When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.
Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.
Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.
Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Death From Above
This Easter, prepare to witness a new level of cinemagratic experience as Steven Seagal stars in Michael Caines directional debut ‘Death from Above’. Shot in super colour 2D for extra visual impact, ‘Death from Above’ is set to definitely be a Moto Service Stations top ten £2 seller this April.
LT Col Bud ‘Crazyhawk’ MacKnife is not only the best navy pilot alive, he is a martial arts expert, life coach, hard drinking, hard talking, hard hat wearing son of a gun. MacKnife is respected as the finest of his generation, able to navigate by the stars, able to communicate with animals, he is at one with nature and his exceptional war machine, the new prototype FS200X fighter jet equipped with the latest technologies including time travel and invisibility devices.
When MacKnifes commander in chief Gus Greaser (played by Anthony Hopkins), orders him to take the FS200X on a training straffing run over Afghani villages populated by kind but poor Afghani women and children, MacKnife objects. Eventually Greaser agrees to allow the training run without the use of live ammo.
However, all is not what it seems and during the run, Macknifes fuel runs out and his systems mysteriously shut down. Ejecting from the plane, Macknife holes up and is taken in by the beautiful Purrito, a poor but stunning Afghani villager (played by Kesha in her acting debut).
It seems his attitude has MacKnife on the wrong side of Commander in Chief Greaser who unleashes the full forces of the US military to track down MacKnife, having persuaded them he was a traitor.
MacKnife is faced with a race against time to save himself, the villagers and the local ecology which is being damaged by a US multinational petrochemical and pharmaceutical operation who are giving backhanders to Greaser.
Thankfully he is helped by his old special forces buddy on the inside, Westside (played by Ashley Cole).
Quotes
Purrito: Killing is against my core muslim beliefs but watching you rip the throats out of those punks makes me feel so hot....
MacKnife: Yeah baby, thats American love
Greaser: Goddam it, MacKnife, get your wings in the air and shoot those Afghani babies right now
MacKnife: I object.
Daily Mail: An awesome film highlighting the true horror of war away from the fun and high jinks our military face on a day to day basis. Fundamentally a tale of why we should stem the flow of immigrants.
Daily Telegraph: Watching this film makes me pity the very existence of humanity.
Steven Seagal: This film is indeed ground breaking, yeah we could have cast Afghanis to play Afghanis but basically there was a need to make the film more accessible to American audiences and we couldn’t really understand what they were saying.
Michael Caine: I was paid money to direct, my name is on the credits to but to be fair, Seagal did all of the directing. What is the film about again?
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