New Epic Clash of the Big Boys!!

There are completely unfounded rumours currently exciting the upper echelons of the LA set that Seagal, Van Damme and Sean Connery are teaming up to sort out once and for all who is the daddy on our cinema, or possibly TV, screens.

The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.

Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).

Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.

To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.

Will Seagal win the day?

In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said

'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'