Following Jean Claude Van Damme’s dramatic and award-winning return to the big screen in JCVD, Steven Seagal is bound to do exactly the same with his latest action packed comedy drama - Commandos in Surrey.
Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.
When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.
Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).
When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.
The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.
One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':
‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.
*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.
Showing posts with label van dammme. Show all posts
Showing posts with label van dammme. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
New Epic Clash of the Big Boys!!
There are completely unfounded rumours currently exciting the upper echelons of the LA set that Seagal, Van Damme and Sean Connery are teaming up to sort out once and for all who is the daddy on our cinema, or possibly TV, screens.
The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.
Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).
Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.
To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.
Will Seagal win the day?
In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said
'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'
The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.
Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).
Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.
To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.
Will Seagal win the day?
In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said
'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'
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