In this summers hi tech thriller, Control, Alt, Delete; Steven Seagal plays IT professor Suleiman Instinct. Instinct leads Harvards advanced research unit and is the best of the best of the best in his field of computer sciences.
When the Senators daughter is kidnapped, rather implausibly by being sucked through her facebook page; The president calls on Instinct to unhack the systems and free sweet Mary Anne.
Instinct knows he has his hands full when he realises expert hacker and former comrade (yet nemesis) from Nam, Buck Devious (played by Michael Barrymore) is behind the high tech kidnapping.
Thankfully he has ace student IT and hip hop pros, Crackside (played by Dizzy Rascal) and Vixen (Cheryl Cole) to help.
This summer when the megabites are down, Instinct has to make sure he Control, Alts and Deletes
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Cover of Darkness
In this summers direct to VHS classic, Steven Seagal stars as Lt Col Butch Lazerstrike.
Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.
When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.
Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas will.i.am) and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.
Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.
When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.
Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas will.i.am) and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Silent Cold Strike -
I watched parts of an appaling Seagal film last night on Channel 5 and it inspired me to get back in and write another script for our ante lead man
This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.
When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.
Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.
Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.
Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)
This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.
When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.
Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.
Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.
Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Death From Above
This Easter, prepare to witness a new level of cinemagratic experience as Steven Seagal stars in Michael Caines directional debut ‘Death from Above’. Shot in super colour 2D for extra visual impact, ‘Death from Above’ is set to definitely be a Moto Service Stations top ten £2 seller this April.
LT Col Bud ‘Crazyhawk’ MacKnife is not only the best navy pilot alive, he is a martial arts expert, life coach, hard drinking, hard talking, hard hat wearing son of a gun. MacKnife is respected as the finest of his generation, able to navigate by the stars, able to communicate with animals, he is at one with nature and his exceptional war machine, the new prototype FS200X fighter jet equipped with the latest technologies including time travel and invisibility devices.
When MacKnifes commander in chief Gus Greaser (played by Anthony Hopkins), orders him to take the FS200X on a training straffing run over Afghani villages populated by kind but poor Afghani women and children, MacKnife objects. Eventually Greaser agrees to allow the training run without the use of live ammo.
However, all is not what it seems and during the run, Macknifes fuel runs out and his systems mysteriously shut down. Ejecting from the plane, Macknife holes up and is taken in by the beautiful Purrito, a poor but stunning Afghani villager (played by Kesha in her acting debut).
It seems his attitude has MacKnife on the wrong side of Commander in Chief Greaser who unleashes the full forces of the US military to track down MacKnife, having persuaded them he was a traitor.
MacKnife is faced with a race against time to save himself, the villagers and the local ecology which is being damaged by a US multinational petrochemical and pharmaceutical operation who are giving backhanders to Greaser.
Thankfully he is helped by his old special forces buddy on the inside, Westside (played by Ashley Cole).
Quotes
Purrito: Killing is against my core muslim beliefs but watching you rip the throats out of those punks makes me feel so hot....
MacKnife: Yeah baby, thats American love
Greaser: Goddam it, MacKnife, get your wings in the air and shoot those Afghani babies right now
MacKnife: I object.
Daily Mail: An awesome film highlighting the true horror of war away from the fun and high jinks our military face on a day to day basis. Fundamentally a tale of why we should stem the flow of immigrants.
Daily Telegraph: Watching this film makes me pity the very existence of humanity.
Steven Seagal: This film is indeed ground breaking, yeah we could have cast Afghanis to play Afghanis but basically there was a need to make the film more accessible to American audiences and we couldn’t really understand what they were saying.
Michael Caine: I was paid money to direct, my name is on the credits to but to be fair, Seagal did all of the directing. What is the film about again?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Out for Fighting
Steven Seagal plays Mitch Bennington, an ex-marine who lives in a quiet Suburban town making Yo-Yos to pass the time.
His days spent kicking ass for Uncle Sam are just distant romantic memories until a bunch of no-good punks start to mess up the neighbourhood.
Mitch has taken down 50 foes in one fight before (shown in black & white slo-motion) but this gang are at least 75 strong in volume and he just ain't sure he can take them.
He turns to training his neighbours in martial arts so they can fight to win back the streets. His band of brothers includes Hi-Lo (Dale Winton) and Uppa-Cutt (Chipmunk) who have promised to protect their elders in a battle where at least one secondary character will die.
Thanks to Avatar-like-technology (and a tenth of the budget), Richard Whitely is able to star as Don Bravito, the mob boss behind the riots. Mitch has him in his sights as he heads Out for Fighting.
His days spent kicking ass for Uncle Sam are just distant romantic memories until a bunch of no-good punks start to mess up the neighbourhood.
Mitch has taken down 50 foes in one fight before (shown in black & white slo-motion) but this gang are at least 75 strong in volume and he just ain't sure he can take them.
He turns to training his neighbours in martial arts so they can fight to win back the streets. His band of brothers includes Hi-Lo (Dale Winton) and Uppa-Cutt (Chipmunk) who have promised to protect their elders in a battle where at least one secondary character will die.
Thanks to Avatar-like-technology (and a tenth of the budget), Richard Whitely is able to star as Don Bravito, the mob boss behind the riots. Mitch has him in his sights as he heads Out for Fighting.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Christmas Crisis Strikeforce
Due for release on December 1st is a Christmas themed comedy thriller starring Steven Seagal as Buck Tracerstrike.
When crazy old Jim Hucker (Michael Caine),a journalist on the New York Sentinel, thinks he has uncovered a terrorist plot to blow up all christmas symbols, noone will take him seriously apart from his old buddy from 'nam, Tracerstrike.
Tracerstrike must act on instinct to unravel the corrupt web behing the plot but thankfully has his trusty sidekicks, Cocoa (Leona Lewis) and Triptix (Dizzy Rascal) to help him bust up some terrorist punk ass.
When crazy old Jim Hucker (Michael Caine),a journalist on the New York Sentinel, thinks he has uncovered a terrorist plot to blow up all christmas symbols, noone will take him seriously apart from his old buddy from 'nam, Tracerstrike.
Tracerstrike must act on instinct to unravel the corrupt web behing the plot but thankfully has his trusty sidekicks, Cocoa (Leona Lewis) and Triptix (Dizzy Rascal) to help him bust up some terrorist punk ass.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Commandos in Surrey
Following Jean Claude Van Damme’s dramatic and award-winning return to the big screen in JCVD, Steven Seagal is bound to do exactly the same with his latest action packed comedy drama - Commandos in Surrey.
Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.
When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.
Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).
When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.
The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.
One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':
‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.
*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.
Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.
When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.
Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).
When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.
The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.
One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':
‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.
*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.
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