Sunday, November 21, 2010

Jesus and Me

In Jesus and Me (banned in most Western countries), Steven Seagal plays Zorox Crossbow, a down to earth teacher in Boston in the year 2044.  What nobody realises is that Zorox is actually the brother of Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately 2044 is also the breakout of World War III as America finally declares war on Botswana.  As every man is drawn into this global struggle against evil, its time for Zorox to kick ass.

Thankfully as well as his laser eyes, Zorox also has his bible buddies, Hotcakes (Stacey Soloman) and JamXX (anyone from Ndubz) along for the ride.

THE GUARDIAN: Truly as bad as it sounds.  Appalling, inconceivable.
THE DAILY STAR: Action packed 100% fun

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Shock and Awe

In this summers stylish 3D bargain DVD, Steven Seagal teams up with David Hasselhoff in Shock and Awe.

Seagal plays Detective Harrington Shock a New York veteran who has scrimped and saved to gather a nest egg capable of seeing him retire to the keys to work a small honest life as a fisherman. His partner Detective Mitchley Awe (Hasselhoff) is his oldest buddy.

Get set for action though as on Shocks last night of duty, terrorists take over Carnegie Hall and threaten to blow it up with all 2,000 concert goers inside. Having snuck in, Shock and Awe must take take the creeps one by one using their stealth assasination skills they learned in Nam as special forces buddies.

Thankfully they have some help from a couple of concert goers Xjam (Some nutter from N-Dubz) and Babycham (Christine Bleakley).

This summer as the kung fu kicks off, make sure you are on the right side of shock and awe.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Control, Alt, Delete

In this summers hi tech thriller, Control, Alt, Delete; Steven Seagal plays IT professor Suleiman Instinct. Instinct leads Harvards advanced research unit and is the best of the best of the best in his field of computer sciences.

When the Senators daughter is kidnapped, rather implausibly by being sucked through her facebook page; The president calls on Instinct to unhack the systems and free sweet Mary Anne.

Instinct knows he has his hands full when he realises expert hacker and former comrade (yet nemesis) from Nam, Buck Devious (played by Michael Barrymore) is behind the high tech kidnapping.

Thankfully he has ace student IT and hip hop pros, Crackside (played by Dizzy Rascal) and Vixen (Cheryl Cole) to help.

This summer when the megabites are down, Instinct has to make sure he Control, Alts and Deletes

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Cover of Darkness

In this summers direct to VHS classic, Steven Seagal stars as Lt Col Butch Lazerstrike.

Lazerstrike is a SEAL undercover black ops best of the best stealth operative sleeper cell who has assumed an alternative identity in suburban Tokyo.

When Mr Xu's (played by Michael Barrymore) triad gang try to take over the city and make international news by abducting some senators daughter, Lazerstrike is called into action by the president.

Thankfully he is backed up by his old buddies Hotpants (Lucy Liu) and fast talkin' Flashlight (Black Eye Peas and soon the triads of Tokyo are getting all busted up.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Silent Cold Strike -

I watched parts of an appaling Seagal film last night on Channel 5 and it inspired me to get back in and write another script for our ante lead man

This summer, if you like suspense, enjoy action and have an interest in Central American refridgeration, then maybe you should watch Silent Cold Strike.

When cool food storage expert, Gonzo McFirefighter (Seagal) starts work in a cold storage company in El Salvador, little does he know it will lead to a fight to the death with rival freezer sales companies across the latin american region.

Gonzo loves it cold, he sleeps in an ice box and only eats ice or ice cream. He is a renegade, descended from Irish, Spanish and eskimo stock, he freezes first and asks questions later.

Looking for a quiet life in El Salvador is difficult though when so many of the companies enemies want to take him down. Before long he is drawn into a bloody fight to the death.

Thankfully he can rely on his colleagues, fast talking Inxile (played by Usher) and Flame (Cheryl Cole)

Friday, February 26, 2010

Death From Above

This Easter, prepare to witness a new level of cinemagratic experience as Steven Seagal stars in Michael Caines directional debut ‘Death from Above’. Shot in super colour 2D for extra visual impact, ‘Death from Above’ is set to definitely be a Moto Service Stations top ten £2 seller this April.

LT Col Bud ‘Crazyhawk’ MacKnife is not only the best navy pilot alive, he is a martial arts expert, life coach, hard drinking, hard talking, hard hat wearing son of a gun. MacKnife is respected as the finest of his generation, able to navigate by the stars, able to communicate with animals, he is at one with nature and his exceptional war machine, the new prototype FS200X fighter jet equipped with the latest technologies including time travel and invisibility devices.

When MacKnifes commander in chief Gus Greaser (played by Anthony Hopkins), orders him to take the FS200X on a training straffing run over Afghani villages populated by kind but poor Afghani women and children, MacKnife objects. Eventually Greaser agrees to allow the training run without the use of live ammo.

However, all is not what it seems and during the run, Macknifes fuel runs out and his systems mysteriously shut down. Ejecting from the plane, Macknife holes up and is taken in by the beautiful Purrito, a poor but stunning Afghani villager (played by Kesha in her acting debut).

It seems his attitude has MacKnife on the wrong side of Commander in Chief Greaser who unleashes the full forces of the US military to track down MacKnife, having persuaded them he was a traitor.

MacKnife is faced with a race against time to save himself, the villagers and the local ecology which is being damaged by a US multinational petrochemical and pharmaceutical operation who are giving backhanders to Greaser.

Thankfully he is helped by his old special forces buddy on the inside, Westside (played by Ashley Cole).


Purrito: Killing is against my core muslim beliefs but watching you rip the throats out of those punks makes me feel so hot....
MacKnife: Yeah baby, thats American love

Greaser: Goddam it, MacKnife, get your wings in the air and shoot those Afghani babies right now
MacKnife: I object.

Daily Mail: An awesome film highlighting the true horror of war away from the fun and high jinks our military face on a day to day basis. Fundamentally a tale of why we should stem the flow of immigrants.

Daily Telegraph: Watching this film makes me pity the very existence of humanity.

Steven Seagal: This film is indeed ground breaking, yeah we could have cast Afghanis to play Afghanis but basically there was a need to make the film more accessible to American audiences and we couldn’t really understand what they were saying.

Michael Caine: I was paid money to direct, my name is on the credits to but to be fair, Seagal did all of the directing. What is the film about again?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Out for Fighting

Steven Seagal plays Mitch Bennington, an ex-marine who lives in a quiet Suburban town making Yo-Yos to pass the time.

His days spent kicking ass for Uncle Sam are just distant romantic memories until a bunch of no-good punks start to mess up the neighbourhood.

Mitch has taken down 50 foes in one fight before (shown in black & white slo-motion) but this gang are at least 75 strong in volume and he just ain't sure he can take them.

He turns to training his neighbours in martial arts so they can fight to win back the streets. His band of brothers includes Hi-Lo (Dale Winton) and Uppa-Cutt (Chipmunk) who have promised to protect their elders in a battle where at least one secondary character will die.

Thanks to Avatar-like-technology (and a tenth of the budget), Richard Whitely is able to star as Don Bravito, the mob boss behind the riots. Mitch has him in his sights as he heads Out for Fighting.