Sunday, November 13, 2011

Crossover: Zero Hour

Who do you turn to when there are only hours before humanity is destroyed? Who has the courage, the stealth and the steely look to save planet Earth at zero hour?

These questions and more are answered in Steven Seagals latest straight to DVD classic, Crossover: Zero Hour.

Seagal plays Mitch Shotgun an ex Top Gun pilot, special forces trainer and CIA agent. Retired after his special forces team were killed in an undercover mission in the Bolivian rainforest, Shotgun has been spending his time helping local tough kids deal with their personal issues by helping them form hip hop crews. He has a few problems of his own being a hard drinking, hard smoking and hard gambling son of a shotgun.

His world is turned upside down though when Pixie (played by Katie Perry) contacts him with some astonishing news. Pixie works, implausibly, as a climate scientist as well as topping up her salary as a part time stripper (for no good earthly reason). She has figured out that the petro chemical giant EVIX Corp. has almost pumped enough pollutants into the environment that we are almost at the tipping point, or as her team have dubbed it, Crossover.

Once passed that tipping point, within hours the Earth will become a fiery mess, a hell hole of sulphur, heat, perpetual darkness, an environment in which no intelligent life can survive (scenes shot in Hull).

Evix Corp and their snake-charm chief executive Randle Slither will not have any of it though. Neither will the US government who have branded Pixies team as crackpots.

Shotgun cannot persuade Slither to stop polluting the atmosphere either, even though he and Slither were ex Special Forces buddies until the mysterious circumstances in which Shotguns team were slaughtered in Bolivia.

With Pixie producing a digital wall clock showing a three hour countdown until Crossover, Shotgun is up against it. Slither knows he is coming and has amassed an army of mercenaries to stop him.

What he does not bank on is Shotgun having the support of Flipside, the hip hop crew he helped assemble. With the earth having just hours left, this winter, we are relying on just a handful of brave warriors.

THE GUARDIAN G2: Utter filth. My eyes burned, my soul feels raped, 1 star.

HULL JOURNAL: Even though 23 local jobs were created, this film remains a stain on our existence, although it did catch the atmosphere of the city well.


Pixie: Noone will listen to me Shotgun, I am sure my data shows we are nearing Crossover.... the sulphite monochromatic particles Evix are releasing are comining with the Sub-rapidons in the upper atmosphere and there are going to be nuclear consequences.... no one will listen, we have hours to live...

Shotgun: I am listening sweet cheeks

Pixie: but you are the only one

Shotgun: I'll make them all listen one punch at a time

Pixie: Goddam it Shotgun don't endanger yourself

Shotgun: OK Pixie now do your special dance for me

Saturday, May 07, 2011

No Quarter Asked

In No Quarter Asked, Steven Seagal stars as SEAL Captain Blade McLonegan in an all American action thriller.

When Hussain Al Maqtoum Mulgrani Hammad leader of the Red Splinter Islamic fundamentalist terror cell kidnaps the senators daughter, there is only one man to call.

McLonegan is the best, he has always been the best, but he trains the best to be better than the best so he has to be the very best of the best. McLonegan has his own battles, after a messy divorce, his drink problem worsened and his daughter won’t speak to him.

The Senators daughter is believed to be held in a secure compound in the Qaddari Hills, Northern Syria. McLonegan must drop his in crack team, fast talking Bojax (Triple Z from So Solid Crew) and Pettle (Coleen Rooney).

Together they must rescue the Senators daughter and help McLonegan find peace with himself, one punch at a time.

The problem is the pentagon wants McLonegan dead, for no good earthly reason. Even after the Senators daughter has been saved, they have to extract themselves out as McLonegans ex special forces buddy who now sleeps with his former wife is in charge of Operation Thunderclap.

Can the team get to freedom. Will McLonegan find inner peace? Find out in a WH Smith bargain DVD bucket from June 2011.


HAMMAD: Game over (pulls trigger, gun jams)

MCLONEGAN: OK, let’s do this old school (Drops own gun, draws knife)


DAILY MAIL: The plot made little sense but most worrying was the CGI fight scenes and factual accuracy. It seems all of this can be sacrificed for a shot of Seagal snapping someones neck while winking at the camera…. 1 star