Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Randon Film Maker - 16 Elements to a Seagal Film

OK - the time has come to have a go at a random film generator.

This is how it works. I have a spreadsheet with 16 dynamics. Each dynamic has 5 options.

All you have to do is let mwe know your selections from each of the 16 categories - e.g. 1:3, 2:3, 3:1, 4:2, 5:5, 6:3, 7:1, 8:3, 9:4 etc etc all the way to 16. Post your selection in the comments and I will generate the film of your numbers against the script below.

The (Dynamic 1)(Dynamic 2)

In this exciting (Dynamic 3) genre film, Seagal plays (Dyanmic 4) a (Dynamic 5) from (Dynamic 6)

When (Dyanmic 7) is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on (Dynamic 8) who was his (Dynamic 9) in (Dynamic 10). What the punks don't know is that (Dynamic 4) was a (Dynamic 15) and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.

Thankfully he has (Dynamic 11) and (Dynamic12) along for the ride played by (Dynamic 13 and Dynamic 14) respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.

You can watch (The Dynamic 1) (Dyanmic 2) this summer on (Dynamic 16).

Friday, May 22, 2009

Swift, Cold Justice / Cleaning up Downtown

It is 1992 and the hard streets of Detroit are terrorised by gangs intent on flooding the city with a new powerful drug, cake, which is killing the kids.

Steven Seagal plays Mike McJustice, a local hardware store owner who is fed up of punks ripping up the neighbourhood.

With the police powerless, McJustice starts catching local hoodlums and teaching them self worth through training them in the martial art of Ko Phu Manku which teaches power, self respect, flexibility, love and how to bust a punks face in ten places.

Despite some feel good scenes where they clean up graffiti and tut-tut at some syringes they find, his neighbourhood crew comes under attack from city officials who suspect them of being a renegade bunch of vigilantes and also from the dangerous rival gangs who cannot tolerate members leaving, getting off the cake and leading rewarding lives.

In a series of showdowns, McJustice and his team have to defeat the rival gang lead by Dec-Adent (Graeme Le Saux).


Furniture Makes Monthly Digest: I had no idea what was going on for most of the film, not only was it bad it was uncomprehensibile
Detroit Times: Disgusting - Not even playing at being a movie, ridiculous. Simply the worst thing that has happened in our metropolis
The Financial Times: Was this a comedy? I don't know what to say.

Did you know: As well as directing and starring in the film, Seagal also wrote and rapped the hip hop sound track including 'Whatz da score' and 'At 'cha wiv ma blood'

Seagals Crew - Played by East 17 and Associates

Same 'ol

Monday, May 18, 2009

XT4: Military Prototype

Coming this summer to a Poundland near you is Steven Seagals latest action thriller 'XT4: Military Prototype'

Seagal directs and also plays Viper Coldstone a SEAL Captain who is the very best of the very damn best. On a secret covert strike mission deep in the Bolivian rainforests, Coldstones team are comprimised and mostly wiped out. Coldstone himself barely survives and is in a coma for 3 months.

To appease the press and the UN, furious at military action contravening international law, the US government paints Coldstone as a renegade and a traitor, acting alone.

When Coldstone comes round, his missing limbs have been replaced by state of the art super fast, super strength robotic limbs.

He is now Americas most sophisticated, most advanced and most expensive piece of military hardware but he is mighty pissed off.

Now he must get to the bottom of who really betrayed his team and why Colonel Sewidge is still on his case. Sent on another certain death mission in the North African deserts, Coldstone will start to unearth the truth about who wanted him dead. His fight will take him to the heart of blackness and before it is over he will have to break into the Pentagons inner chambers and fight an array of computer generated improbable military robotic machines.

Thankfully he has his trusty SEAL sidekicks, MC Fresh (Coolio) and Bubbly (Paris Hilton) along for the ride.

This film also trys to answer the eternal riddle, what is it that makes us human? In a thirty minute monologue after the final credits, Seagal trys to answer that very question.


Coldstone: I just do not understand, I followed orders, was a patriot, almost died, was reborn with artificial limbs without my permission, lost my team, took the blame for something that was not my fault, became an international hate figure and now you want me to go to Tunisia to chase down this terrorist and rescue the senators daughter

The President: Do it for America son, god bless America.

Critical Coverage

Air India In Flight Magazine: Laughable
The Sun: Insane but moving
New York Times: At times ugly, at times exhilirating - It asks the question what is life for? What else could one expect of a film... destined to be a heroic, illustrious and historic moment in film

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Tiger Man

It is 1978 and a serial killer is loose on the streets of New York City. Detective Farlington Condor (Seagal) is assigned to crack the case, three weeks before his retirement.

The killer leaves a hallmark Tiger Claw at the scene of each brutal killing but leaves no other trace.

Condor seems to be more involved than the DA would like though which is not surprising. Condor believes that the killer is leaving messages for him. When a child, Condors parents were killed by a Tiger in China and he joined a Monastery where he learned the mysterious part martial art, part philisophical religion 'Tiger Kung Fu'. He also drives a car with tiger print seat covers and drinks tiger beer.

Could the serial killer that has a grip of terror on the city somehow be connected to Condors past?

Thankfully, Condor is not working alone. With his two trusty sidekicks, Rebound (XT from the So Solid Crew) and Stiletto (Lily Allen) Condor will try and solve the sinister murders and will try and find out the secretive past of Worm Goldsachs (Jeffrey Archer) who turned up just as the killings started.

Daily Mail: Terrifying, completely terrifying
Time Out: Honestly, I am lost for words
Shrewsbury Gazette: Free with Fridays paper

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Dangerous Road

Steven Seagal stars as Joshua Shotgun in The Dangerous Road out on VHS this Autumn.

Shotgun is a Nevada trucker transporting goods all over the USA. Ona routine trip to Canada, things start going horribly wrong for Shotgun. He finds himself being pursued by a motorbike gang intent on stealing his cargo.

What the 'Bad Vibes' chapter do not know is that Shotgun is a former presidential bodyguard and can handle himself. Plus, he soon calls on fellow truckers, fast talkin Crackattack (Ian Wright) and Minxy (Sarah Palin) to help out.

What follows is a series of incredible bike / truck driving and fighting stunts which will make you think 'as an intelligent person why am I expected to watch this'

The Independent: Unbelieveable

Friday, May 08, 2009

The Hard Way

The Hard Way is the latest project written (script and score), directed, starring and produced by Steven Seagal.

Seagal plays Jed McTafferty an ordinary Texan oil rigger whose life is thrown into turmoil when his best buddy is murdered. It turns out his best buddy was a spy for the Chinese government intent on stealing oil and energy secrets for the Chinese.

Jed is initially accused of the crime and so starts to investigate his buddys dubious past. He turns over one too many rock though and the Chinese government kidnap him, take him to Guam and start torturing him to find out what he knows.

In gruesome torture scenes which will remind you of Saw, The Hostel or Wimbledon, McTafferty has to use his stamina to endure unbelievable suffering. All he has to do is kiss his torturers hand whilst on one knee and they will let him go, but that flys in the face of McTaffertys Texan morals and so he prefers to have burning coals applied to his skin.

He is determined to do it, the hard way.

Ultimately he escapes, teams up with an unlikely pair of renegades called Crazyjuice (Mike Skinner) and Kula Demure (Gisele) and kicks some Chinese ass.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Poised to Strike

This summer coming directly to a DVD bargain bin by you is Steven Seagal in Poised to Strike.

Burlington Eagle (Seagal) is the leading LA narco officer. Specialising in deep covert undercover stealth silent solo surveillance (or DCUSSSS as its known on the force), Eagle is the best of the best of the best of the best. He trains the best to be the best but is still the best.

When Eagles cover is blown on a black ops undercover mission, he suspects there is a mole on the force. Evidence suggests his boss Princeton Eel (played by Omid Djalili) is behind the leaks.

To get to the bottom of the corruption on the force, Eagle has to take his most dangerous mission yet. He goes undercover into the cities most dangerous gang, the Red Vipers, a vicious mixture of Jamaican and Latino gangsters. To fit in, Eagle must black up and be convincing whilst sporting a mexican accent.

Fortunately he takes his two top lieutenants with him, Xtype (John Fashanu) and Trixy D (Jodie Marsh).

Certificate 18: Features gay nudity and badger baiting (simulated)

Eel: What the hell are you playing at goddam it - pull this stunt again and I'll drag your ass down to the DA so fast you won't know whats hit you
Eagle: Something stinks and Im going to get to the bottom of it
Eel: What the hell are you suggesting, tread carefully Eagle or Ill clip your wings
Eagle: The thing with eagles is they soar looking for prey.... good night chief

Xtype: Yo yo big daddy mac whats the crack jack triple mac going down over the bridge
Eagle: Flipside Xtype, gonna need you on this one but its dangerous, you in?
Xtype: Im so hot to trot the lots gonna go to pot, lets roll (locks and loads)

Glare of Death

Its 1480 and in the Japanese province on Hu Shan, the Shogun Kal Sin (Matthew Broderick) is ruling with an iron fist. When a peasant village party celebrates beyond 7pm (outlawed) the Shoguns spies report back. Kal Sin is outraged and determines that the village should be destroyed, every man, woman and child killed.

Although the Shoguns forces are vast, they do not count on Kendo Steel (Seagal) who has mastered an ancient Japanese martial art called PoPhu Claw. That he is good is in no doubt, but could Seagal be the Prima Makshu, a mystical reborn master from ancient times.

Find out this summer if you still have VHS as 'GLARE OF DEATH' hits the screens.

Daily Mirror: Simply obnoxious
Telegraph: Thought provoking
New York Times: Better than 'Poised to Strike' but worse than 'The Dangerous Road'

Winner of the Ivorian Coast National Film of the Month Award for Best Film Shot Partly in Black and White

Friday, May 01, 2009

Streets of Rage

By popular demand, Steven Seagal turns up as (name change from suggested) Cordell Rage in this high octane adventure due out in Blockbusters £1 bin this bank holiday weekend.

Rage lead a hip hop skateboard crew called 'Black Ice' based in LA. When a rival hip hop skateboard crew 'Plunder' take his girlfriend hostage demanding that Black Ice pull out of the California skateboard championships, the crew are enraged. Plunder have the backing of the triads who have placed a monster bet on them winning the championship.

Cordell is furious and along with fellow crew members, fast talkin' Moneytryx (Ashley Cole) and Amazonia (Cheryl Cole) he sets out to take his revenge. This summer, when the half pikes stop, you don't want to be on the streets of rage.

Excerpts from Interview with Seagal:

Peterborough Chronicle: Is it true you didn't actually get ona skateboard throughout the entire filming of the project?

Seagal: Yeah, although my jujitsu mastership gives me ultimate control of balance, using my powers this way would be wrong so I asked the producers would could be done and they came up with some whizzkids in from Hull St Josephs Six Form who created state of the art CGI to create stunning life like stunts from me on a skateboard. At one point I have to kill a shark in the water using my board as a surf board, in another scene I have to use the board to stop bullets flying at my best mate, fast talking Moneytryx. You have to see it.