Monday, March 30, 2009

Winds of Innocence

Mafia Boss (Ricky Gervais): You dress like a leader but you talk like a killer

Ranger Stern (Seagal): Don't bite off more than you can chew

Mafia Boss: What you gonna do when we got Mary Jane held hostage

Ranger Stern: Look me in the eye and you will understand the answer

Mafia Boss: Just lock and load Ranger, you're going to go to Washington and kill the president if you want to see your daughter again

Ranger Stern: When the eagle flies, no mouse moves.... you can count on it

Friday, March 27, 2009

The top ten rules of a Steven Seagal film...

I have to say I was really impressed with the work put into creating the top 5 rules for a Seagal film .... watch the film it is funny....

I have decided to take their original five and add five from my own expertise and observation:

1. You can't kill him (As far as I know he only died on screen once in Executive Decision where he had a minor role)
2. He never reloads ... ever
3. Innocent people will get hurt
4. A baby may get hurt during the film!
5. He never makes love until the credits roll!

OK my five are:

6. He has to have a secret ex military / intelligence / martial arts background
7. He has to partner up with either a hot chick or a street talkin black dude
8. Not only can't you kill him, you cannot hurt him either (can you remember any injury?)
9. There has to be an implausible anti globalisation / environmental message in the film
10. At some point the bad guys have to discover his secret background and look a little stunned typically with the master bad dude saying 'Goddamn it you fools he is the best of the best, I know we send ten guys up there to get him... they will be dead already...'

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Take the Shot

'Jesus Titty Mother Bitchin Christ.... Take the Shot Sargeant Gritt'

'Damn you Fritz, there are woman and disableds down there... no way'

.... extract from Take the Shot starring Steven Seagal and Johnny Vaughan

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

McCourt: Freedom Giver

Steven Seagal plays John 'Freedom' McCourt in this tense action thriller due in cinemas (if you can find it) this May.

McCourt is a Texas ranger used to all sorts of trouble but even he is surprised when an African witch doctor turns up in Holten (pop 2,500) and tells him that the world is doomed unless he saes it - It turns out McCourt is the last in a line of global protectors and only he can save the entire world from plague.

McCourt must complete a number of unusual tests before he can succeed:

1. Calm a live Tiger until it eats chicken from his palm
2. Swim to the Titanic and retrieve a mystical gemstone
3. Win a kung fu competition blindfolded

Thankfully, McCourt is not alone - McCourts sidekicks, Penny Heart (Martine McCutcheon) and MastaBlast (Ian Wright) are along for the ride.

Quotes from the film

Penny Heart: 'Goddamn it McCourt you can't tame a tiger with that Kung Fu eye to eye nonsense, I care too much to see you hurt'
McCourt: 'Yeah but someones gotta save humanity.... but hey Ill be thinkin of you, you look good in that Bikini'

Mastablast 'Mo fo to the max big bro its whack mack to think you swimmin down to that wreck bro'
McCourt: 'Yo yo big man but my mind over matter approach makes the impossible possible'

Media Quotes:

Washington Post 'Simply astounding.. fresh, innovative and moving. This could do a Slumdog!'

Peterhead Chronicle 'If a dead person was offered two hours more life to watch this, I am sure they would regret it'

London Evening Standard 'I can safely say this is the only film that made me want to burn my face off and repetitively stab my testes with a biro'

Monday, March 23, 2009

Grizzly: The Shepherd

In this summers ice cool straight to Channel 5 movie, Seagal stars as Chance 'Grizzly' Striker, a logger in a remote Canadian town inside the Artic circle.

When gas exploration multi-national CORRUPX decides to explore the area for minerals, Striker and the locals start a petition.

CORRUPX are not the kind of company to delay for due process however and after having cash offers for land turned down by the environmentally concious inuits, they commence a campaign of harrasment that ultimately leads to murder.

Soon they send an army of renegades led by Frixel, played by Neutrino from So Solid Crew to take out Striker and his harmless villagers. Frixel is an ex loan shark who enjoys killing people for small change.

What they all do not know is that Striker is not just some local logger. After his parents were killed for defaulting on a $400 side by side, he fled and spent his formative years with a reclusive sect of kung fu inuits, deep inside Artic Caves. His prowess soon had the master name him 'Grizzly: Kaui Ininuui Tuiiinth' or 'Grizzly: Shepherd of determination and leader who shall save us from evil spirit'.

Now it seems that the loan sharks have sought out to ruin Strikers life once again but this time his fear is defrosted.....

In a film that bares some resemblance to 'On Deadly Ground', you will laugh and cry and nod your head as the expected stereotypical inuit hot totty turns up, implausibly scantily clad in -20 degree temparatures.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Leather and Irons

In his latest movie epic due out this Summer on Living TV, Steven Seagal stars in a remake of the classic and highly acclaimed 'ahem' Leather and Irons

John Telliman, a rich lawyer who rides bikes on the weekends, falls into some trouble with a gang of outlaw bikers and gets a case in his possession that will only bring him misery. So...what's in the case, and why do they want it.

In the updated version, Seagal opens the case in the final scene to reveal the holy grail. Incredible stuff...

Looking at the original I genuinely think Seagal would add quality to this film!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Epic Clash of the Big Boys!!

There are completely unfounded rumours currently exciting the upper echelons of the LA set that Seagal, Van Damme and Sean Connery are teaming up to sort out once and for all who is the daddy on our cinema, or possibly TV, screens.

The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.

Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).

Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.

To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.

Will Seagal win the day?

In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said

'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'

Monday, March 16, 2009

Spot the fabricated plotline....

Can you tell the plotline that is not a Seagal film????

PLOTLINE ONE - This movie tells the story of a man who goes undercover in a hi-tech prison to find out information to help prosecute those who killed his wife. While there he stumbles onto a plot involving a death-row inmate and his $200 million stash.....

PLOTLINE TWO - In this action thriller, an LA cop finds his partner killed in cold blood. His revenge knows no limits and will take him to the heart of the corrupt city administration....

PLOTLINE THREE - An ex-CIA agent's quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will stop at nothing to save her.....

Friday, March 13, 2009

Sidekick Potentials

These are some of the sidekicks I am considering for inclusion in a Seagal script.


1. Sweet Hunter
2. Penny Velvet
3. Easy Goodheart


1. Nitro
2. Stryke
3. Master XC

Monday, March 09, 2009

Potential Seagal Character: McTwist

Here is another that occured to me earlier:

Colonel Jack McTwist - He could star in Stick or McTwist a film where some nuclear warheads have been stolen by a renegade team of ex Ukranian special services punks (similar to Under Siege) - The thing is the Ukranian main bad dude (who has had a run in with Seagals Character before, possibly over a women, who may also turn up) likes to gamble and is offering the US authorities the warheads back if they hand him McTwist....

It sounds straight to DVD..

It sounds like it needs a caption such as: They had the world at their feet should they stick or McTwist (god thats awful)

Extract from Dying to Kill

Seagal is sniping a terrorist suspected of kidnapping the presidents daughter.....

HEAVER: 'Christ McSurefire you'll never make that shot its 450 yards with 30 click gusts and a target bobbing and weaving through a childs playground'

MCSUREFIRE: 'You focus on the paperwork, Heaver, leave the dirty stuff to me...'

HEAVER: 'You do not have clearance to take the shot, repeat, you do not..'

MCSUREFIRE: '(Shoots) Tell it to the president (arab man drops in distance)

HEAVER: 'Damn you McSurefire you are an alcholic renegade but you're good, damn good, you blend in to these Middle East countries like a local, christ in a crowd you just seemlessly mingle in. Let's get the hell out of here before Muqtada's men arrive'

Friday, March 06, 2009

Potential Seagal Films

Here are five of the titles I am considering working on - One day Mr S will star and possibly direct one of these films:

1. Strikedown for Justice
2. Sheriff Harlington Rock
3. Breakout from Irongate
4. Elite Extraction Force
5. Take Him Down

Any preferences? Anyone listening?

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Jesus McBullet....

" Jesus-H-Titty-Mother-Bitchin-Monkey-Beans McBullet, next time you head into Chinatown take some damn back-up - You might have kicked those punks ass but the DA is twisting my nuts over this one."

Extract from 'Get me McBullet' starring Steven Seagal and Stan Collymore

Which of the following is a genuine Seagal character?

One of the following names is a real character that Mr Seagal has played ... which on is it!?!?!

Butch McCafferty
Harrington Steele
Mason Storm
Lt Colonel Buck McCross
Buxton Stand

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

WORKING TITLES: Strikedown: The Nuetraliser / Beyond Breaking Point

Steven Seagal directs and stars as Hawk ‘Chips’ Strikedown in this romantic action comedy due for release in the fall of 09.

Strikedown is a cop on the verge of retirement whose life has fallen apart. His wife was killed in a tragic tram accident and for the last two years Hawk has spent time at the bottom of the bottle.

Hawks new boss Dino Fluerie, played by Jay Leno, is piling on the pressure because of Strikedowns unconventional no nonsense approach, even though he gets results.

Seeing an opportunity, his ex partner from ‘Nam Phillip McBlack, played by Michael Barrymore in his Hollywood debut, kidnaps Strikedowns daughter, Honey. McBlack is demanding Strikedown steal the LAPDs 2.3 tonne pile of cocaine implausibly kept in a top security hold at LAX.

McBlacks problem is that Hawk is the best of the best of the best of the best of the very damn best. When Special Forces have a super secret covert mission, Hawk is the only man they trust to frown severely enough. Hawk calls on his old special forces buddies .. expert disguise and misinformation agent Buxom Green, played by Carmen Electra and fast street talkin, jivin’, XXC Blast, played by Khanye West.

Will Hawk save Honey and put McBlack down. Who is the mysterious ‘man in white’ behind it all who smokes the same brand of cigar as Fluerie, Hawks boss? Plus, how did the punks know when Hawk was on duty, how did they get his shift patterns?

Get the answers, if you need them, to these questions and laugh, cry and probably do a little wee during this high octane rollercoaster of a film this Autumn.

Run Time 62 Minutes

Hawk Chillington – Steven Seagal
Dino Fluerie - Jay Leno
Buxom Green - Carmen Electra
XXC Blast - Khanye West
Phillip McBlack - Michael Barrymore

Media Quotes
‘Frankly absurd’ Time Out
‘Why?’ GQ
‘I will never get that time back’ Polly Undercracker, The Mirror
‘This film is absolute ...... good ..... interesting ....... you must ..... see it’ The Guardian

Awards / Nominations
National Ostrich Federation - Best use of Ostriches in an action film – Nominated
Darlington Festival of Film and Crack - Best Film - Winner