Wednesday, November 11, 2009
When crazy old Jim Hucker (Michael Caine),a journalist on the New York Sentinel, thinks he has uncovered a terrorist plot to blow up all christmas symbols, noone will take him seriously apart from his old buddy from 'nam, Tracerstrike.
Tracerstrike must act on instinct to unravel the corrupt web behing the plot but thankfully has his trusty sidekicks, Cocoa (Leona Lewis) and Triptix (Dizzy Rascal) to help him bust up some terrorist punk ass.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.
When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.
Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).
When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.
The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.
One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':
‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.
*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sandstorm is used to teaching science to underprivileged kids but not a lot could prepare him for Class Z4 at Mullington High, in downtown Detroit. The students are set to fail all their exams and are besieged by family problems, drugs, rivalries, guns, gang and fungal feet issues. Its, so bad, the school is known locally as Murderington High.
While most people simply write these kids off as societies outcasts and tomorrows prison fodder, Sandstorm sees potential, mainly because he once was also on the wrong side of the tracks after he served time for tracking down and beating up his ex sargeant (who had left his best buddy to die, in Korea).
Despite a troubled start to teaching the class, Sandstorm soon gets the respect of the kidz when several of them jump him with knives and semi automatic weapons and he uses his martial arts skills to disarm them. Impressed the kids soon start paying attention and want to learn from Sandstorm.
Not all the students are as willing though and Sandstorm has to go through a number of emotional scenes to get to the root of these kids troubles and help them.
Sandstorm decides that he can galvanise the students around an upcoming hip hop and street dancing battle between all of the downtown Detroit schools.
Can he gel the students together and keep them off crack long enough to win the contest? Will the senators daughter be kidnapped randomly? Will his ex Korean sargeant show up unexpectantly?
Find out on Channel 5 at 2.30am this Friday.
Also stars: Chris Brown as Bojam and Paris Hilton as Bubbles
Names of hip hop crew: Bo-Jam Stryke Pop X MC Scratch Touchdown Blast Crips and Bubbles
West Sussex Echo: 'astonishing, the use of light and sound was incredible. I was left contemplating whether the film had escoteric value or whether in itself it was inwardly focussed on being self absorbed. A masterpiece of deception'
Empire: 'Films like this strengthen the case for Seagal to be locked up and legislation to ensure that no more films are made'
FHM: 'The worst bit was definitely Seagal rapping'
LYRICS TO LISTEN UP - WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY SEAGAL
Your lifes on the line on the streetz tonight
Gotta decide run or fight
Yo brothers got your back
Packing a piece under the mack
This is all whack
So stay off the crack
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tougher than the toughest, McToughshot is the presidents most trusted personal protection agent.
However, McToughshot is in for a shock when the presidents daughter starts complaining that the school jock, Mitch Clean (McCauley Caulkin) won't take her to the school prom.
The president sends McToughshot in to Burlington High with a mission to persuade Mitch that the presidents duaghter, Candy (La Roux) is worth taking to the ball. Hilarity follows as McToughshot goes back to school to persuade fellow students he is only 15 and persuade Mitch that Candy is the pick of the year, all while not busting some kids faces up!! How will McToughshot fare in his exams, the school football team and being the new school hunk!
The film takes a sharp turn from comedic to the romantic though when McToughshot falls for his new teacher Miss Volumptua (Jordan).
Then, in another sudden change of pace, all hell breaks loose when it turns out that the drama group is an undercover Al Qaeda cell intent on destroying the school and killing the presidents daughter.
In violent dramatic action scenes, McToughshot must fight alone to save Burlington High, Candy and Miss Volumptua leading to climatic scenes where he only has time to save one of their lives...... catch it all on Mission to Highschool this summer
Daily Mail: Confusing - Was I meant to take my kids to this - The first hour seemed to suggest yes but after the chemical attack on the school assembly, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to show facial burns to my nine year old son
Shrewsbury Evening Chronicle: Desperate, unfortunate, disjointed, bizzarre, surreal, shambolic - The first half is an extremely poor comedy with unfortunate twinges of paedophilia in my view, the second half is a bizarre twist into Seagals normal territory as if the director realised the first half was rubbish and was trying to save it for the small hardcore Seagal fanclub.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
In Two Die Four, Seagal plays Flight Lt Jay Surefire a navy topgun who specialises in putting the latest prototype hardware through its paces.
When the Amercian military create a helicopter with an invisibility cloaking device, Surefire is the man to test it. However, on the day of the test, the hardware is stolen by muslim fundamentalists bent on the destruction of the Eastern seaboard.
Seagal mobilises his crack team, unit Two Four, which consists of the best pilots in the world, fast talkin' Tripleshot (played by Lil Wayne) and Trixy D (Karly from Big Brother). He will need all the help he can get as the terrorist behind the plot is none other than Hassam Al Maqtoom (played by Gary Glitter).
Using any means possible they have to find and retrieve the hardware and take the punks down, all in a days work for unti Two Four.
Trixy: Help, help, they've got me and they plan on doing terrible things to me, Al Maqtoom has me prisoner
Surefire: Lock and load Tripleshot, we're gonna go in there and save Trixy
Tripleshot: Yo yo daddy mac flipside at 'cha
Al Maqtoom: I'll be waiting for you Surefire, I have a score to settle with you over my missing eye.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
In this sensational summer blockbuster, Steven Seagal, plays Colonel John McStealth out in a WHSmiths mega bucket near you.
When President Ruben Davenports (Harlow Washington - Denzels Brother) daughter, Cherry (Vivica Fox) is kidnapped by an Al Qaeda cell, the president orders every resource be thrown into catching Osama Bin Laden.
The CIA and special forces are ordered to immediately step up their campaign in the wild tribal areas of North West Afghanistan where it is believed Osama is hunkered down in a complex network of caves, protected by his fundamentalist inner circle and local Pathan tribesmen.
The president also calls into action his old special forces buddy, Colonel McStealth, the man he respects and trusts more than anyone.
McStealth has a hunch though and does not think Osama is in Asia at all. McStealths gut is telling him that Osama is holed up in the surburban sprawl of the Birmingham Coventry metropolis. If there is one thing the president knows it is that when McStealths guts speak, you had better listen.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
The president orders the execution of Project Titan, the colonisation of the moon Titan.
Leading Astronaut, Kirk Faststrike, must take his team Sugar (Leoni Lewis) and DoubleX (Chris Rock) to Titan and start preparing the atmosphere for humans.
What noone knew is that they are not the only living beings on Titan and whatever is on the planet is not keen on human company.
The future of the entire human race is in one mans hands, Faststrike. This summer, he must kick alin ass to save Earths.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Seagal stars as Lt Col Jag Iceblast, head of training and special operations at SEAL commando forces headquarters. A natural linguist and martial arts expert, Iceblast retired as a SEAL commando when his wife was killed in revenge for him taking out some terrorist punks. He now enjoys a quieter life training the best of the best to be better becoming the damn ultra best, the pinnacle of the best of the best, the ultimate best, just not quite as good as Iceblast, who remains 'The Best of the Best'
When Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer a breakaway Al Qaeda ultra violent cell strikes at a US warship off the cost of East Africa, the president (Hugh Lawrie) condemns the attacks as barbaric and inhumane. The next day, the presidents daughter (Lady Gaga) is taken in a highly organised kidnapping from her university campus in Houston.
Within weeks, videos appear of Mary Jane on Al Jazeer and it becomes clear that Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer are holding her in Cairo.
The president orders Iceblast to get out of retirement, drop into Cairo with a team consisting of a handful of hand picked specialists, save the presidents daughter and destroy the terrorist organisation.
What complicates matters is that the man behind the kidnapping is former SEAL turned terrorist, Grist Feecler (played by Kevin Costner), Iceblasts old partner, who defected shortly after his wife was killed.... was he connected?
Iceblast has 72 hours to assemble his team, fast talking MC Krisp (Vanilla Ice), and psychic, Pixie (Katie Holmes) and get them to Cairo.
Retired, washed up, drunk but the only man the president trusts with his daughters life
Iceblast: Let her go Feecler, this is between you and me now
Feecler: Ha ha ha ha - Your wife begged for mercy Iceblast, and now so will the presidents daughter
Iceblast: Im gonna mummify you Feecler, you're ancient history
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Harkon Beast (Wesley Snipes): Yeah and how you gonna do that... voodoo magic? ha ha ha ha
Mac McNutscruncher: This is your last chance
Harkon Beast: No Mac, its yours
Mac steps into Harkon smashing his elbow into his temple, a dazed Harkon, amazed at how fast Macs moves were staggers backwards
Mac: Goddam it, you better talk I want the codes to the nukes and I don't want to have to use any of my old techniques
Harkon: Dammit, how did you disarm me like that
Mac: You remember from 'Nam, I'm faster than you Harkon, faster than you will ever be, now what about those codes
Harkon: Its Niner Double Oscar Sixer Black Double Strike
Mac: OK, one last thing... where is the presidents daughter?
Extract from Big Mac McNutscruncher hopefully never released anywhere
Monday, July 13, 2009
DRIVEN TO KILL
They took his daughter. So he's taking them down.
Revenge is not always sweet
Some fathers fight for justice... Others for revenge.
Seagal stars as Ruslan Drachev, a highly-respected former enforcer in the New York-based Russian Mob, who long ago abandoned the gangland lifestyle to pursue a more peaceful career as a crime novelist. But his world is turned upside down when he learns that his daughter is engaged to marry a Russian gangster who also happens to be Ruslans cold-hearted nemesis from the bad old days.
STUFF I LOVE
Seagal actually speaks with a Russian accent in this.
It failed to enter the top thirty DVD charts
In the states you can get it delivered for just over 8$
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace, you're the best damn firefighter in the service but I cannot let you go back into that burning towerblock, it's suicide.
Mike McFurnace: Look chief, the only thing standing between SJ and a fiery hellish death is just my bare hands but damn it, I'll try
Chief Braun: You're the bravest son of a bitch but Jesus I cannot let you it's an order now stand down
Mike McFurnace: Sorry Chief, I didn't here the last bit now you do what you have to do
Chief Braun: If this goes wrong McFurnace I don't know if I can cover your ass with the Mayor
Mike McFurnace: If this goes wrong chief I won't have an ass now get out of here
Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace (wipes tear from eye) you represent everything brave and free in America
Mike McFurnace: Sure Chief, but it's time for me to get my suntan (smiles, lowers viser)
Extract from Furnace of Hell out in a Woolworths clearance outlet near you in time for the Summer holidays
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Mary Jane (Amy Winehouse) is taken by a shady fundamentalist group known only as Triple F, who are committed to returning us to the 15th century and are trying to start a global nuclear war.
In these circumstances, when things get this serious, there is only one team to call. Not the marines, not the SEALS, not special forces. This requires the damn very best. The president must pick up the red phone and speak to Lt Col Viper Doubleshot (Seagal) and his crack team, Wipeout (Vanilla Ice) and Demure (Janet Jackson). The unit known in the inner circles of the pentagon as Fire Strike Team.
The mission will take the team to all corners of the globe and to confront the ultimate evil. Catch it at specialist cinemas and DVD bins from September.
Winner of the Bristol Councils Achievement Award for Films shot Entirely in Bristol.
Monday, June 29, 2009
McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.
Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.
However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.
Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.
What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.
Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.
Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)
Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Sureshot is an LA firefighter who leads a team dealing with high risk situations in LA and California. He starts to suspect something is wrong when an arsonist starts leaving booby traps for his team.
Could this have something to do with his old special forces sargeant Tarquin Blackness who everyone thought had died in Iraq?
Thankfully he has his old buddies Zipwire (Shaun Wright-Phillips) and Cocunut (Amanda Holden) along to help him out.
Friday, June 05, 2009
When Bushmasters squad are cut off in Al Aqar Alsamaad a remote and wild region in the northern territories, defending a fort under orders, all at first seems well.
Soon the fort is besieged by thousands of Iraqi militants intent on destroying the fort and it's occupants. Low on ammo and food, Bushmaster must win theminds of his troops with his displays of utmost bravery.
Thankfully two of his closest buddies Slickside (Eddie Murphy) and Bust-e (Jordan) are along to help and they ain't gonna give up that fort.
Monday, June 01, 2009
In this exciting thriller, Seagal plays Strike McRough a logger from Chicago.
When the senators daughter is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on Tarquin Cage (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who was his commanding officer in basic training.
What the punks don't know is that Strike was a Japanese master martial arts warrior and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.
Thankfully he has CraXX and Chocolate along for the ride played by Mr T and Martine McCutheon respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.You can watch The Cold Warrior this summer on Betamax.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
This is how it works. I have a spreadsheet with 16 dynamics. Each dynamic has 5 options.
All you have to do is let mwe know your selections from each of the 16 categories - e.g. 1:3, 2:3, 3:1, 4:2, 5:5, 6:3, 7:1, 8:3, 9:4 etc etc all the way to 16. Post your selection in the comments and I will generate the film of your numbers against the script below.
The (Dynamic 1)(Dynamic 2)
In this exciting (Dynamic 3) genre film, Seagal plays (Dyanmic 4) a (Dynamic 5) from (Dynamic 6)
When (Dyanmic 7) is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on (Dynamic 8) who was his (Dynamic 9) in (Dynamic 10). What the punks don't know is that (Dynamic 4) was a (Dynamic 15) and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.
Thankfully he has (Dynamic 11) and (Dynamic12) along for the ride played by (Dynamic 13 and Dynamic 14) respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.
You can watch (The Dynamic 1) (Dyanmic 2) this summer on (Dynamic 16).
Friday, May 22, 2009
Steven Seagal plays Mike McJustice, a local hardware store owner who is fed up of punks ripping up the neighbourhood.
With the police powerless, McJustice starts catching local hoodlums and teaching them self worth through training them in the martial art of Ko Phu Manku which teaches power, self respect, flexibility, love and how to bust a punks face in ten places.
Despite some feel good scenes where they clean up graffiti and tut-tut at some syringes they find, his neighbourhood crew comes under attack from city officials who suspect them of being a renegade bunch of vigilantes and also from the dangerous rival gangs who cannot tolerate members leaving, getting off the cake and leading rewarding lives.
In a series of showdowns, McJustice and his team have to defeat the rival gang lead by Dec-Adent (Graeme Le Saux).
Furniture Makes Monthly Digest: I had no idea what was going on for most of the film, not only was it bad it was uncomprehensibile
Detroit Times: Disgusting - Not even playing at being a movie, ridiculous. Simply the worst thing that has happened in our metropolis
The Financial Times: Was this a comedy? I don't know what to say.
Did you know: As well as directing and starring in the film, Seagal also wrote and rapped the hip hop sound track including 'Whatz da score' and 'At 'cha wiv ma blood'
Seagals Crew - Played by East 17 and Associates
Monday, May 18, 2009
Seagal directs and also plays Viper Coldstone a SEAL Captain who is the very best of the very damn best. On a secret covert strike mission deep in the Bolivian rainforests, Coldstones team are comprimised and mostly wiped out. Coldstone himself barely survives and is in a coma for 3 months.
To appease the press and the UN, furious at military action contravening international law, the US government paints Coldstone as a renegade and a traitor, acting alone.
When Coldstone comes round, his missing limbs have been replaced by state of the art super fast, super strength robotic limbs.
He is now Americas most sophisticated, most advanced and most expensive piece of military hardware but he is mighty pissed off.
Now he must get to the bottom of who really betrayed his team and why Colonel Sewidge is still on his case. Sent on another certain death mission in the North African deserts, Coldstone will start to unearth the truth about who wanted him dead. His fight will take him to the heart of blackness and before it is over he will have to break into the Pentagons inner chambers and fight an array of computer generated improbable military robotic machines.
Thankfully he has his trusty SEAL sidekicks, MC Fresh (Coolio) and Bubbly (Paris Hilton) along for the ride.
This film also trys to answer the eternal riddle, what is it that makes us human? In a thirty minute monologue after the final credits, Seagal trys to answer that very question.
Coldstone: I just do not understand, I followed orders, was a patriot, almost died, was reborn with artificial limbs without my permission, lost my team, took the blame for something that was not my fault, became an international hate figure and now you want me to go to Tunisia to chase down this terrorist and rescue the senators daughter
The President: Do it for America son, god bless America.
Air India In Flight Magazine: Laughable
The Sun: Insane but moving
New York Times: At times ugly, at times exhilirating - It asks the question what is life for? What else could one expect of a film... destined to be a heroic, illustrious and historic moment in film
Friday, May 15, 2009
The killer leaves a hallmark Tiger Claw at the scene of each brutal killing but leaves no other trace.
Condor seems to be more involved than the DA would like though which is not surprising. Condor believes that the killer is leaving messages for him. When a child, Condors parents were killed by a Tiger in China and he joined a Monastery where he learned the mysterious part martial art, part philisophical religion 'Tiger Kung Fu'. He also drives a car with tiger print seat covers and drinks tiger beer.
Could the serial killer that has a grip of terror on the city somehow be connected to Condors past?
Thankfully, Condor is not working alone. With his two trusty sidekicks, Rebound (XT from the So Solid Crew) and Stiletto (Lily Allen) Condor will try and solve the sinister murders and will try and find out the secretive past of Worm Goldsachs (Jeffrey Archer) who turned up just as the killings started.
Daily Mail: Terrifying, completely terrifying
Time Out: Honestly, I am lost for words
Shrewsbury Gazette: Free with Fridays paper
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Shotgun is a Nevada trucker transporting goods all over the USA. Ona routine trip to Canada, things start going horribly wrong for Shotgun. He finds himself being pursued by a motorbike gang intent on stealing his cargo.
What the 'Bad Vibes' chapter do not know is that Shotgun is a former presidential bodyguard and can handle himself. Plus, he soon calls on fellow truckers, fast talkin Crackattack (Ian Wright) and Minxy (Sarah Palin) to help out.
What follows is a series of incredible bike / truck driving and fighting stunts which will make you think 'as an intelligent person why am I expected to watch this'
The Independent: Unbelieveable
Friday, May 08, 2009
Seagal plays Jed McTafferty an ordinary Texan oil rigger whose life is thrown into turmoil when his best buddy is murdered. It turns out his best buddy was a spy for the Chinese government intent on stealing oil and energy secrets for the Chinese.
Jed is initially accused of the crime and so starts to investigate his buddys dubious past. He turns over one too many rock though and the Chinese government kidnap him, take him to Guam and start torturing him to find out what he knows.
In gruesome torture scenes which will remind you of Saw, The Hostel or Wimbledon, McTafferty has to use his stamina to endure unbelievable suffering. All he has to do is kiss his torturers hand whilst on one knee and they will let him go, but that flys in the face of McTaffertys Texan morals and so he prefers to have burning coals applied to his skin.
He is determined to do it, the hard way.
Ultimately he escapes, teams up with an unlikely pair of renegades called Crazyjuice (Mike Skinner) and Kula Demure (Gisele) and kicks some Chinese ass.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Burlington Eagle (Seagal) is the leading LA narco officer. Specialising in deep covert undercover stealth silent solo surveillance (or DCUSSSS as its known on the force), Eagle is the best of the best of the best of the best. He trains the best to be the best but is still the best.
When Eagles cover is blown on a black ops undercover mission, he suspects there is a mole on the force. Evidence suggests his boss Princeton Eel (played by Omid Djalili) is behind the leaks.
To get to the bottom of the corruption on the force, Eagle has to take his most dangerous mission yet. He goes undercover into the cities most dangerous gang, the Red Vipers, a vicious mixture of Jamaican and Latino gangsters. To fit in, Eagle must black up and be convincing whilst sporting a mexican accent.
Fortunately he takes his two top lieutenants with him, Xtype (John Fashanu) and Trixy D (Jodie Marsh).
Certificate 18: Features gay nudity and badger baiting (simulated)
Eel: What the hell are you playing at goddam it - pull this stunt again and I'll drag your ass down to the DA so fast you won't know whats hit you
Eagle: Something stinks and Im going to get to the bottom of it
Eel: What the hell are you suggesting, tread carefully Eagle or Ill clip your wings
Eagle: The thing with eagles is they soar looking for prey.... good night chief
Xtype: Yo yo big daddy mac whats the crack jack triple mac going down over the bridge
Eagle: Flipside Xtype, gonna need you on this one but its dangerous, you in?
Xtype: Im so hot to trot the lots gonna go to pot, lets roll (locks and loads)
Although the Shoguns forces are vast, they do not count on Kendo Steel (Seagal) who has mastered an ancient Japanese martial art called PoPhu Claw. That he is good is in no doubt, but could Seagal be the Prima Makshu, a mystical reborn master from ancient times.
Find out this summer if you still have VHS as 'GLARE OF DEATH' hits the screens.
Daily Mirror: Simply obnoxious
Telegraph: Thought provoking
New York Times: Better than 'Poised to Strike' but worse than 'The Dangerous Road'
Winner of the Ivorian Coast National Film of the Month Award for Best Film Shot Partly in Black and White
Friday, May 01, 2009
Rage lead a hip hop skateboard crew called 'Black Ice' based in LA. When a rival hip hop skateboard crew 'Plunder' take his girlfriend hostage demanding that Black Ice pull out of the California skateboard championships, the crew are enraged. Plunder have the backing of the triads who have placed a monster bet on them winning the championship.
Cordell is furious and along with fellow crew members, fast talkin' Moneytryx (Ashley Cole) and Amazonia (Cheryl Cole) he sets out to take his revenge. This summer, when the half pikes stop, you don't want to be on the streets of rage.
Excerpts from Interview with Seagal:
Peterborough Chronicle: Is it true you didn't actually get ona skateboard throughout the entire filming of the project?
Seagal: Yeah, although my jujitsu mastership gives me ultimate control of balance, using my powers this way would be wrong so I asked the producers would could be done and they came up with some whizzkids in from Hull St Josephs Six Form who created state of the art CGI to create stunning life like stunts from me on a skateboard. At one point I have to kill a shark in the water using my board as a surf board, in another scene I have to use the board to stop bullets flying at my best mate, fast talking Moneytryx. You have to see it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
This pchological thriller starts to unfold when Macintosh Harm, a former seal, finds his best Nam buddy dead and his wife kidnapped. He immediately contacts the authorities to report the crimes but is told that not only wasn't he married but he has never served in the armed forces either.
The mysterious Dr Schlock (Chris de Burgh) tells him he has been suffering from Ostoprictoontalorisosis a brain disease that leads you to compelling believe a false memory you create for yourself.
Confused, Harm hits the bottle but when former friends turn up from his Seal days.. XP (Chamillionaire) and Sugar Desire (Tamzin Outhwaite) his confusion deepens.
Who can he trust... Is he mad.... or is the government trying to silence him.... why does he keep having flashbacks to an experimental army training camp for the best of the best and a room full of medical equipment....
One things for certain, in his quest to find the truth, you do not want to get in Harms way.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Windowed Mitch is always to busy at the precinct to make time for his young daughter Cassie, who predicts that if he continues to look so angry, the wind will change and he'll be stuck like it.
As Cassie predicts, one Summer morning; Mitch is stuck with an angry face and has to get a passport photo! This is only the start of a bad week for Mitch, which includes a Yoga Class, and a date with the precinct psycologist!
Watch as he tries to cope with daily activities with his face set to angry; but also connect with his daughter again, and find love.
Rated PG 13.
Monday, April 27, 2009
After seeing Jurassic Park, Dr. David Grant (Kurt Russell) sets upon resurecting Austin from some of his DNA left on his SWAT mouthpiece. This is mostly successful, however the new 'Austin' (nicknamed Texas - also played by Seagal), has a meaner-than-mean steak and is using his new DNA-superpowers for evil.
Little does everyone know that Austin Travis did not die during the events of the last film, and infact landed in a forest in Mexico, and has been in hospital recovering. When he finds his way back to Washington on foot, having learnt the way of the Indian on the journey - he finds himself handed a battle to convince everyone he is alive, and then a fight to the death against Texas.
Watch this straight to VHS movie from May 1st 2009
Why did we make another one? It was an executive decision!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Macintosh Pistol (Seagal) is an outlaw trying to get back to Mexico to save a woman he knew many years ago. He doesn't have the money to travel and so has to win it at the poker table. Being a master of cards, this doesn't present a problem until he comes across Gorrinton Dark (Max Clifford in an acting debut).
Dark heads a devious gang that terrorises commuities, bullies implausibly good looking defenceless women.. and he cheats at cards.
Can Pistol fight his way out of town after exposing Dark for what he is?
Find out this summer.... Primark Productions presents.. Hands of Fate.
STRAPLINE: The saloon is swinging, the guns are slinging and the parrot is singing
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
At risk of losing the Earth, the president of the Global American Defence Network ,which has assumed responsibility for saving the planet gathers the greatest minds of the day, Janice GoodEnough (Carol Vordeman), young Harvard whizz Zizzi Curvest (Shannyn Sossamon) and Professor Frank Coldheart (Seagal).
The science brains have devised a formula which can adjust a mans DNA, to create superhumans capable of faster movements, incredible feats of strength and immense stamina.
Coldheart decides to take the serum himself but is he too late or can he save the Earth.....
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A freak storm washes all of their kit away and the 3 seals (Lightening, GTX played by Shaun Wright-Phillips and Volumptua played by Jordan) have to rely on their field skills to survive and complete their mission.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
When Honey Penny-Goldhearts, played by Pamela Anderson, lawyer husband is killed, she hires Glock to track down and punish the perpetrators.
Blah blah blah... more than he can chew ... blah blah.... most dangerous.... but the punks dont know what they are dealing with... blah blah blah
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
McNutsBuster: Whatever you say chief
DA: Take a break McNutsbuster, take some leave and sort your head out. I don't want to see you until after the anniversary of your wifes death. In fact, you could test these advanced weapons for me while you are on leave. Just stay away from Chinatown and the triad leader Hoo Chin Bassai
McNutsbuster: I cant make promises chief
DA: Your good McNutsbuster, damn good and I don't want to lose you. We need men like you but your also a renegade, an out of control maverick shooting first asking later, drinking and women. Damn it.
McNutsbuster: You are not making sense any more chief.
DA: I know, damn it.
Excerpt from Bring me McNutsbuster due out on Channel Five for May Bank Holiday.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Peach: Don't they know we are on their side
Horrigan: They don't know good from evil, we have to teach them it..
Peach: How?... they won't listen Horrigan, damn it, even to you, they just won't listen
Horrigan: Don't worry Peaches, they will listen .... to my fists
'Lunatics are on the loose.... one of them is Detective Horrigan'
'35 special forces specialists..... one Detective Horrigan, fair fight?'
Sunday, April 05, 2009
When several terrorist acts against the United States by an extreme muslim terrorist group Al Alham Allahahalalal Ahhahhammannallal cause widespread panic, the president demands that his security teams get an undercover infiltrator into their highest echelons.
FBI chief Cronie (played by Alaistair Campbell) calls out former Seal and security expert Jaguar Silverfire (Seagal). Once they have him sobered up (He lost his wife in a recent terrorist strike) they brief him on what is set to be his most dangerous mission.
He is to go to the North Western provinces of Pakistan, deep into Taleban held land and infiltrate Al Alham Allahahalalal Ahhahhammannallal as a young freedom fighter hell bent on the destruction of the West. Armed with a smattering of Pashto, a suntan and a kick ass attitude, Silverfire is parachuted deep into enemy territory and is completely alone.
Friday, April 03, 2009
The story so far...
Casey Ryback a former seal is best buddies with a warship Captain in the US Navy. The warship is hijacked by a group wanting to steal the nuclear warheads... little do they know the chef is the best of the best of the best of the best, until he kicks their ass.
Some years later, the unfortunate Ryback is caught up in another unlikely sounding potential disaster.. Five million tons of hijacked train. One billion dollars of satellite weaponry. Two American cities targeted for nuclear destruction. Sounds like another job for Ryback and it is not long before he kicks some punk ass.
Now in the third installment, Ryback is working undercover as a janitor on the international space station which has been armed with state of the art laser beam weapons. Russian cosmonaut Kald Karackovian (Ronnies evil dad from Eastenders) arrives with a crack team of KGB agents intent on taking control of the station in order to threaten Brazil into becoming part of a new Russian empire. Little do they know that the janitor on the space station is the best of... etc etc, its time for Ryback to kick ass.
STRAPLINE: Time to put the punks into orbit.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Ranger Stern (Seagal): Don't bite off more than you can chew
Mafia Boss: What you gonna do when we got Mary Jane held hostage
Ranger Stern: Look me in the eye and you will understand the answer
Mafia Boss: Just lock and load Ranger, you're going to go to Washington and kill the president if you want to see your daughter again
Ranger Stern: When the eagle flies, no mouse moves.... you can count on it
Friday, March 27, 2009
I have decided to take their original five and add five from my own expertise and observation:
1. You can't kill him (As far as I know he only died on screen once in Executive Decision where he had a minor role)
2. He never reloads ... ever
3. Innocent people will get hurt
4. A baby may get hurt during the film!
5. He never makes love until the credits roll!
OK my five are:
6. He has to have a secret ex military / intelligence / martial arts background
7. He has to partner up with either a hot chick or a street talkin black dude
8. Not only can't you kill him, you cannot hurt him either (can you remember any injury?)
9. There has to be an implausible anti globalisation / environmental message in the film
10. At some point the bad guys have to discover his secret background and look a little stunned typically with the master bad dude saying 'Goddamn it you fools he is the best of the best, I know we send ten guys up there to get him... they will be dead already...'
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
McCourt is a Texas ranger used to all sorts of trouble but even he is surprised when an African witch doctor turns up in Holten (pop 2,500) and tells him that the world is doomed unless he saes it - It turns out McCourt is the last in a line of global protectors and only he can save the entire world from plague.
McCourt must complete a number of unusual tests before he can succeed:
1. Calm a live Tiger until it eats chicken from his palm
2. Swim to the Titanic and retrieve a mystical gemstone
3. Win a kung fu competition blindfolded
Thankfully, McCourt is not alone - McCourts sidekicks, Penny Heart (Martine McCutcheon) and MastaBlast (Ian Wright) are along for the ride.
Quotes from the film
Penny Heart: 'Goddamn it McCourt you can't tame a tiger with that Kung Fu eye to eye nonsense, I care too much to see you hurt'
McCourt: 'Yeah but someones gotta save humanity.... but hey Ill be thinkin of you, you look good in that Bikini'
Mastablast 'Mo fo to the max big bro its whack mack to think you swimmin down to that wreck bro'
McCourt: 'Yo yo big man but my mind over matter approach makes the impossible possible'
Washington Post 'Simply astounding.. fresh, innovative and moving. This could do a Slumdog!'
Peterhead Chronicle 'If a dead person was offered two hours more life to watch this, I am sure they would regret it'
London Evening Standard 'I can safely say this is the only film that made me want to burn my face off and repetitively stab my testes with a biro'
Monday, March 23, 2009
When gas exploration multi-national CORRUPX decides to explore the area for minerals, Striker and the locals start a petition.
CORRUPX are not the kind of company to delay for due process however and after having cash offers for land turned down by the environmentally concious inuits, they commence a campaign of harrasment that ultimately leads to murder.
Soon they send an army of renegades led by Frixel, played by Neutrino from So Solid Crew to take out Striker and his harmless villagers. Frixel is an ex loan shark who enjoys killing people for small change.
What they all do not know is that Striker is not just some local logger. After his parents were killed for defaulting on a $400 side by side, he fled and spent his formative years with a reclusive sect of kung fu inuits, deep inside Artic Caves. His prowess soon had the master name him 'Grizzly: Kaui Ininuui Tuiiinth' or 'Grizzly: Shepherd of determination and leader who shall save us from evil spirit'.
Now it seems that the loan sharks have sought out to ruin Strikers life once again but this time his fear is defrosted.....
In a film that bares some resemblance to 'On Deadly Ground', you will laugh and cry and nod your head as the expected stereotypical inuit hot totty turns up, implausibly scantily clad in -20 degree temparatures.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
John Telliman, a rich lawyer who rides bikes on the weekends, falls into some trouble with a gang of outlaw bikers and gets a case in his possession that will only bring him misery. So...what's in the case, and why do they want it.
In the updated version, Seagal opens the case in the final scene to reveal the holy grail. Incredible stuff...
Looking at the original I genuinely think Seagal would add quality to this film!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The project, which is under the working title of 'Titans of Justice' will be directed by Steven Seagal himself, who will also conduct an ochestral sequence ina dramatic opening scene which has swallowed much of the $275,000 budget.
Loosely based on Watership Down, Seagal plays Rabbit McPunch a theme park security guard who has a colourful and mysterious past having spent time with monks in mysterious snowy mountain surroundings. The theme park is under threat from two local rival youth gangs led by Biscuit (Connery) and Shotgun (Van Damme).
Rabbit must essentially save the park from the warring gangs who are intend on wreaking havoc around the candy floss stall.
To complicate the plot further, former page three model Joss Huntley plays Treacle, the daughter of the theme park owner and she is interested in all three men.
Will Seagal win the day?
In an interview on the red carpet for the Carte D'or Ice Cream in Film awards, he said
'My fans want realism and thats what this project is about. Yes the final scenes are essentially Kung Fu on a rollercoaster and I don't want to give the game away but it shows off my superb martial arts balance and poise, even if it was CGI. Of course I cannot say who comes out on top but if I told you I get the line 'This is the last loop the loop you boys get....' then it points you the right way. Like I say my fans want realism in my films and they would not accept a beating from a Scottish pensioner or a guy whose initials are VD, it just wouldn't happen ..... pass me a pie'
Monday, March 16, 2009
PLOTLINE ONE - This movie tells the story of a man who goes undercover in a hi-tech prison to find out information to help prosecute those who killed his wife. While there he stumbles onto a plot involving a death-row inmate and his $200 million stash.....
PLOTLINE TWO - In this action thriller, an LA cop finds his partner killed in cold blood. His revenge knows no limits and will take him to the heart of the corrupt city administration....
PLOTLINE THREE - An ex-CIA agent's quest to find his kidnapped daughter leads him on a trail of political intrigue, corruption, danger and betrayal; he will stop at nothing to save her.....
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
Colonel Jack McTwist - He could star in Stick or McTwist a film where some nuclear warheads have been stolen by a renegade team of ex Ukranian special services punks (similar to Under Siege) - The thing is the Ukranian main bad dude (who has had a run in with Seagals Character before, possibly over a women, who may also turn up) likes to gamble and is offering the US authorities the warheads back if they hand him McTwist....
It sounds straight to DVD..
It sounds like it needs a caption such as: They had the world at their feet should they stick or McTwist (god thats awful)
HEAVER: 'Christ McSurefire you'll never make that shot its 450 yards with 30 click gusts and a target bobbing and weaving through a childs playground'
MCSUREFIRE: 'You focus on the paperwork, Heaver, leave the dirty stuff to me...'
HEAVER: 'You do not have clearance to take the shot, repeat, you do not..'
MCSUREFIRE: '(Shoots) Tell it to the president (arab man drops in distance)
HEAVER: 'Damn you McSurefire you are an alcholic renegade but you're good, damn good, you blend in to these Middle East countries like a local, christ in a crowd you just seemlessly mingle in. Let's get the hell out of here before Muqtada's men arrive'
Friday, March 06, 2009
1. Strikedown for Justice
2. Sheriff Harlington Rock
3. Breakout from Irongate
4. Elite Extraction Force
5. Take Him Down
Any preferences? Anyone listening?
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Extract from 'Get me McBullet' starring Steven Seagal and Stan Collymore
Lt Colonel Buck McCross
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Steven Seagal directs and stars as Hawk ‘Chips’ Strikedown in this romantic action comedy due for release in the fall of 09.
Strikedown is a cop on the verge of retirement whose life has fallen apart. His wife was killed in a tragic tram accident and for the last two years Hawk has spent time at the bottom of the bottle.
Hawks new boss Dino Fluerie, played by Jay Leno, is piling on the pressure because of Strikedowns unconventional no nonsense approach, even though he gets results.
Seeing an opportunity, his ex partner from ‘Nam Phillip McBlack, played by Michael Barrymore in his Hollywood debut, kidnaps Strikedowns daughter, Honey. McBlack is demanding Strikedown steal the LAPDs 2.3 tonne pile of cocaine implausibly kept in a top security hold at LAX.
McBlacks problem is that Hawk is the best of the best of the best of the best of the very damn best. When Special Forces have a super secret covert mission, Hawk is the only man they trust to frown severely enough. Hawk calls on his old special forces buddies .. expert disguise and misinformation agent Buxom Green, played by Carmen Electra and fast street talkin, jivin’, XXC Blast, played by Khanye West.
Will Hawk save Honey and put McBlack down. Who is the mysterious ‘man in white’ behind it all who smokes the same brand of cigar as Fluerie, Hawks boss? Plus, how did the punks know when Hawk was on duty, how did they get his shift patterns?
Get the answers, if you need them, to these questions and laugh, cry and probably do a little wee during this high octane rollercoaster of a film this Autumn.
Run Time 62 Minutes
Hawk Chillington – Steven Seagal
Dino Fluerie - Jay Leno
Buxom Green - Carmen Electra
XXC Blast - Khanye West
Phillip McBlack - Michael Barrymore
‘Frankly absurd’ Time Out
‘I will never get that time back’ Polly Undercracker, The Mirror
‘This film is absolute ...... good ..... interesting ....... you must ..... see it’ The Guardian
Awards / Nominations
National Ostrich Federation - Best use of Ostriches in an action film – Nominated
Darlington Festival of Film and Crack - Best Film - Winner