Monday, June 29, 2009

No Holds Barred

Steven Seagal plays Mike McIron in this thrilling cage fighting movie.

McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.

Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.

However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.

Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.

What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.

Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.

Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)

Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Fire with Fire

Steven Seagal plays Butch Sureshot is this straight to DVD bargain bin thriller.

Sureshot is an LA firefighter who leads a team dealing with high risk situations in LA and California. He starts to suspect something is wrong when an arsonist starts leaving booby traps for his team.

Could this have something to do with his old special forces sargeant Tarquin Blackness who everyone thought had died in Iraq?

Thankfully he has his old buddies Zipwire (Shaun Wright-Phillips) and Cocunut (Amanda Holden) along to help him out.

Friday, June 05, 2009

First to Strike

Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Mike Bushmaster in 'First to Strike' a thriller based on the first Iraq war. Bushmaster is a marine Captain and is charged with holding a small fort until support arrives.

When Bushmasters squad are cut off in Al Aqar Alsamaad a remote and wild region in the northern territories, defending a fort under orders, all at first seems well.

Soon the fort is besieged by thousands of Iraqi militants intent on destroying the fort and it's occupants. Low on ammo and food, Bushmaster must win theminds of his troops with his displays of utmost bravery.

Thankfully two of his closest buddies Slickside (Eddie Murphy) and Bust-e (Jordan) are along to help and they ain't gonna give up that fort.

Monday, June 01, 2009

First auto-generated Seagal Film! THE COLD WARRIOR

The Cold Warrior

In this exciting thriller, Seagal plays Strike McRough a logger from Chicago.

When the senators daughter is kidnapped, he smells something is corrupt and decides to exact his revenge on Tarquin Cage (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who was his commanding officer in basic training.

What the punks don't know is that Strike was a Japanese master martial arts warrior and trained the best to be better than the best but not as good as himself as he was training the best to be better which makes him better than the best training to be even better but he is definitiely the daddy best.

Thankfully he has CraXX and Chocolate along for the ride played by Mr T and Martine McCutheon respectfully and they ain't going down without a fight.You can watch The Cold Warrior this summer on Betamax.