Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Games of Hunger

In Steven Seagals latest venture, he acts, sings and directs in Games of Hunger, name still in dispute with Lions Gate films.

The year is 3010. The Earth has been decimated by years of intergalactic warfare and following the Saturn conflict the human race is enslaved. The overlords are led by Emperor Karcheaturghh (played by Dale Winton), a bloodthirsty half-ling with a penchant for board gaming. He is helbent on turning Earth into a gigantic manufacturing warehouse for his home planet of Aldic. With humans dominated, each continent is separated into a specialism. Australasia- Agriculture; North America - Mining; Europe - Christmas Wrapping and Batter based Foods.

Roaming the Pyrenees is a grizzled war veteran, Saffron Bullet. Saffron served from 2971 to 2974 as a simple rifleman in the brutal Uranus conflict, otherwise known as the flaming undercarriage. After a series of successful battles he rose through the military ranks, garnering respect from his men but jealousy from his peers in equal measure. Yet, this rising star felt his wings clipped when a visit to the local library turned messy. After being accused of unpaid fines a row erupted the likes of which had never been seen before nor likely again. Even now, 25 years on, Bullet cannot hold a book without crying, screaming or punching out in agony. Kindles are his only solace.  Saffron cannot stand the imposed imprisonment of the human race and yearns to strike back.

To prevent distraction to humans, Karcheaturghh creates an annual set of deadly games whereby 12 killers are placed in an enclosed environment in the wastelands of Humberside and must fight each other to the death. Not with weapons but with popular board games created in the 20th century. Bullet volunteers and must fight for his life (and his honour) with only a Sudoku puzzle to defend himself.
Bullet soon befriends a straight talking street thug with an IQ of 152, Kunx (played by Stephen Fry). Knux comes from the tough talking streets of Basildon and soon these buddies form a bond based on their mutual love of Monopoly and Top Trumps. They set about teaming up to survive. A rival gang, led by Travis Balthzar (played by Steve from Coronation Street) pick off the weaker contestants leading to an ultimate showdown. This is not before an inexplicably hot woman, Foxy (played by Janet Street-Porter) bursts into the game and throws herself at Bullet. 

'I want you Bullet goddamn it' said Foxy.
'Is that you talking or the vicar with the lead pipe in the conservatory?' questioned Bullet.
'Does it matter' replied Foxy throwing the board to one side and revealing the fact she had been naked all along
'Checkmate' responded Bullet.
'Wrong Game Fool' shouted a concerned Knux. 'Humankind does not have a hope'
'Snap' uttered a bewildered Bullet.

As the other contestants fall Knux and Bullet find themselves heading for a deadly showdown with Balthazars crew. With rain pouring out of the sky the enemies meet under the glow of a red stained moon. 

'This gets settled tonight' shouts Bullet.
'How?' replies a rattled Balthazar.... 'Chess, Droughts, Jenga?'
'We are going old school...... 
'No, not.......'
'Damn right Balthazar.  Like men.  With honour.  It's how my daddy would have wanted things. Knux, Pass me the Buckaroo'.

Who will survive the ultimate test between two of the deadliest warriors the earth has ever seen. Tune into Sky Channel 456 at 00:45 to find out.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Between The Lines

This September, Syfy Hd is set to premier the latest Steven Seagal thriller, Between the Lines, in the prime 11.30pm slot.

Seagal plays New York traffic warden Kirk Torpedo a former special forces Captain who went on to provide personal protection to the president.  Torpedo was the best of the best of the best of the goddamn best, an expert in Japanese martial arts, fluent in 48 languages including Sentilese the little known dialect of North Sentinel, an island that has resisted outside influence since the dawn of time and he is also able to read minds and move objects through telekinesis.

Seagal has been retired from his high action high pressure job for ten years following an attempt on the Presidents life which left his partner dead and left a bullet lodged in his own brain as he dived to save the President from the assassins fire.  He now plods a downtown traffic beat, dishing out tickets, gifting Haiku poems to local shopkeepers and plays chess with old Jewish men in the park.  He drinks heavily, enjoys heavy metal and loves a workout on the heavy bag.

Torpedo finds his peace disturbed one day, whilst busting a punk for Violation Code 67, parking in front of a pedestrian ramp, which carries a penalty of $165; he witnesses a kidnapping across the street, leaping into action he sprints across only to have to seek cover under gunfire.  Unperturbed he moves forward again but comes under further sustained fire and it is only his ability to achieve a higher state of mind, calming each limb and nerve ending and effectively slowing time, a technique taught to him by ancient Tibetan monks in the Meili Xue Shan mountains, that means that he is able to dodge the flying bullets.  His bravery although admirable does not stop the punks from escaping and as it later transpires, their prize was the Senators daughter, Mary-Jane, who they plan on holding as a hostage and treating with menacing potentially sexual looks and curled lip grimaces, the low down dirty suggestive punks.

What Torpedo witnesses and the subsequent refusal of any authorities to take him seriously is puzzling.  When however, he receives a warning threatening his life, etched into the bonnet of a badly parked Chevrolet Impala he is drawn further into the conspiracy and feels compelled to put his special forces training to immediate fist throwing action.

The punks he is choosing to confront are dangerous Yakuza criminals hellbent on reducing New York to cess pit of violence but thankfully he has his parking attendant buddies, fast talking Lowjam (Pitbull in an acting debut) and stunning but deadly Lollipop (Abi Titmuss) along for the ride.

The authorities will not condone his actions because Torpedo is a known renegade, always doing what he has to do to bust those badass motorists.  Yet, Torpedo also knows he is the only one that can save the girl and make sure those Japanese punks are issued with his very own style of ticket, a violation code XXX takedown.

This autumn, as the tickets and the punches fly, Torpedo is trafficking trouble to the Yakuzas.  He is the only hope Mary-Jane has and she can only hope that he is prepared to act.... between the lines.


The Guardian: I am not familiar with this genre of film but that is because I have walked on warm sand with the sound of gentle waves lapping at the shoreline; I have felt the soft caress of a woman and her warm cotton top against my trembling skin and I have brushed a tear from the cheek of a child as it looked me in the eye and smiled.

The Times: The film is a marked improvement on Seagals last efforts, The Zero Clock and Jesus Christ McCutlass!! but only in the way that having your eyes gouged out by a crack whore is better than being buried alive and on fire.

The Scunthorpe Trumpet: Magnificent, the attention to detail in the accurate portrayal of life on the gritty streets of New York for an everyday ex-special forces / presidential bodyguard / martial arts expert / traffic warden is exceptional.  Although I fear that the 40 minute diatribe at the end delivered straight to camera on the perils of packing a trailer on your sports utility in an urban area felt a bit too much.


Lollipop: Help me, ah help me
Torpedo: I am here Sugar Plum now kiss me, ah kiss me
Lollipop: Ah Torpedo

Monday, March 04, 2013

Air Force Con

In this springs Blockbuster bankruptcy DVD bargain bin special, comes Steven Seagal starring as Lt Col Mitch McFirestorm in Air Force Con.

When the CIA uncover hints of a terrorist plot to hijack Air Force One, they need a specialist operator.  Taped recordings in the maximum security Ohio State prison reveal that jihadists are plotting to take the presidents plane and crash it into the Super Bowl.

Not enough details are known and so the CIA call on McFirestorm to help them out.  Sent in undercover, his legend is that of being Mustafa Murtaz a Yemeni freedom fighter caught and jailed by American Special Forces but crucially one with piloting experience. Winning the trust of his fellow inmates, he must extract information on the operation to save the president, the presidents inexplicably hot daughter, some kittens and some school kids who are all going to be aboard the plane in the final action scenes.

To complicate the mission, the CIA go through a major restructure and because all of the people who are cleared for security on McFirestorms mission and true identity are now dead or employed elsewhere, he is alone and forgotten about.

With no one believing who he really is, McFirestorm must carry the mission on and save the day.  His fellow inmates start to take him on trust after he beats on a few guards and he is involved in the plot.

Broken out of prison and smuggled aboard Air Force One, McFirestorm must take down the terrorists from the inside and in climatic final scenes, persuade the presidents daughter he is on the right side, gods side to avoid being shot by special forces.

The Daily Mail: Dreadful
The Times: Filthy, a stain on film making
The New York Times: in this day and age, no actor should ever black up, period.

Friday, September 07, 2012

All Gunns Blazing

This September, coming to the blue hexagonal bins stuffed with DVDs marked up at £2, which you stumble over entering Blockbusters... comes All Gunns Blazing, a new project written, directed, produce and conceived by legendary action star, Steven Seagal.

As an ex SEAL Captain, Gunn McSteel cuts a surprisingly gentle image.  If you were to shake his hand and stare into his cold eyes, you would see the hardness formed in the lowland swamps of Borneo.  Examine his skin closely and you would see the cracks from days spend in a foxhole blasted by the Sharan sands.  Yet, McSteel is a man who has settled into a new retired life, that of a simple taxi driver, moving passengers from A to B and imparting some Buddhist wisdom to one and all in peace and harmony with the streets of LA.

On one monumental day though, McSteel finds himself thrust back into the hellish maw of danger and he has to unleash his tremendous powers of hand to hand combat.

Picking up a passenger from the docks, it seems a simple ride to Chinatown.  His passenger seems the normal sort, well dressed, polite; but somethign is not right.  After the drop, McSteel realises that the well dressed man overpaid and resolves to track him down from clues he picked up during the ride.

What starts as mysterious, turns into a web of intrigue and eventually, McSteel finds his target in an abandoned warehouse where McSteel witnesses him and his crew murder a senator and kidnap her daughter.  Before he can intervene, the murderers have fled.

McSteel knows that implausibly he needs to sort this out himself and resolves to track down the punks and serve up a steaming slice of justice.

Thankfully he has the assistance of Candy (played by Davina McCall), his kind-hearted taxi company caller and Slipstream (Eminem), a street rapper well known to McSteel.

This Autumn, when it comes to stopping terrorists punks, you know that Seagal will go down All Gunns Blazing.


The Mirror: 1 Star - A truly strange film, the clues McSteel had to work on were proposterous and why was he so intent on returning $3 in the first place?

The Independent: 5 Stars - Haunting and tragic, uplifting, a film that stirs the very soul and asks the most simple and childish of questions... why?

Script Extract:

McSteel: Yo yo Slipstream, whats up with the flow?

Slipstream: Big daddy whac mac brother...

McSteel: I need to know where a man running north on 4th went, he was wearing a grey suit, 5 10 180 pounds...

Slipstream: Say what bro, your the daddy and thanks for saving my little sisters life... He went to Old McKenzies bar and strip joint... but I didn't say anything and I didn't see anything... Be careful if you go near that place... there are rumours

McSteel: What rumours?

Slipstream:  I can't say any more..

McSteel: Catch you on the flipside, stay slippy...

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Mulitple Hart Attack.....

This summer, the battle is moved from the theatre of war to the theatre of operations.

Steven Seagal plays Dr Jet Hart the finest surgeon of his generation leading a renegade but elite heart transplant team comprising of his trusted assistants, Nurse Bojangles (Pixie Lott) and Nurse Xstrike (Dappy).

When a patient who has undergone some sort of major surgery is found trussed up in Central Park barely alive, it is Harts fast response team who are called into urgent medical action.

What they find when the patient goes under the knife is truly shocking.  She has a complex bomb implanted in her chest with a countdown showing that they only have a short time to save her and themselves.  Incredibly, news breaks that the patient is also the presidents daughter who was kidnapped just hours earlier from her university campus.

The evil genius behind the plot is none other that Alzam Al Akhbar Ghazi (Jonathan Ross) who is demanding the release of 60 of his Black Death freedom fighters who are incarcerated in Yemeni jails.

Harts team know they only have 23 minutes to perform open chest surgery, save the presidents daughter, defuse the device and gather evidence that allows them to track down Ghazi and take him down using Hart's ex special forces skills.

Hart knows that the hospital administrators will try and tie him up in red tape and that the DA’s office is unlikely to want him and his team pursuing Ghazi with a range of high powered weapons. Thankfully, he also knows that the president will back up his old special forces buddy and so this summer, when the Hart attacks, you’d better be ready.


Hospital Chief Nixon: Goddamn it Dr Hart, you’re performing a cardiopulmonary bypass using a Bic biro, a straw and a sharpened stick in the Hospital car park…. You cannot cut this many corners Hart

Hart: Goddamn it chief – My team and I get results…. Some kids might get shot in the face but I ain’t gonna lose the presidents daughter, not on my watch.....


Ghazi: (gun jams) OK Hart, let’s sort this out… (both men draw knifes, Hart’s is a scapel)


Hart: Hold on Bojanles, these wires have a complex reverse polarity switch and the tactile pressure sensor is unusual... I've seen this bomb making before, it's smart... very smart.... cut the green one…


President: Dr Hart, I’m relying on you old buddy and so are the American people. Remember that time we drank tequila as the sun rose over the DMZ…

Dr Hart: Don’t worry about sweet Mary Anne Mr President, she is in safe hands


Shropshire Chronicle: The film probably tried to hard, it was confusing, Dr Hart seemed to be the only resource the president had to fight these international terrorists as he didn't trust the FBI or CIA?

The Star: Action, action, action, explosions and action… awesome! 5 stars.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Ticket to Fight

In this springs WHSmiths bargain bin DVD blockbuster, Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Daniel Strikedown, a special forces trainer who also works as a ticket inspector on the East coast mainline.

Trouble starts for Strikedown when some punks intent on drinking and causing disruption board the train and are not responding to polite request.  Things escalate though when it turns out that the group are not just a group of drunk punks but actually a terrorist cell and they plan on activating a dirty bomb in New York while travelling on the train.

What they don't know is that their ticket inspector is on to them and plans on taking them down one punch ata time.

Thankfully for Strikedown, he also has his colleagues Princess (Katie Perry) and Slipstream (Rapper Doubleshot) along for the ride.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Furious Friendly Fire

Steven Seagal plays his first drama role in Furious Friendly Fire, as Stern Winnerman - a retired army officer who has faced the harsh reality of Afghanistan.

Whilst serving his beautiful and courageous country (where a child can get a beer and a gun for a buck o' five); Stern sees his son Oscar (played by Mario Balotelli) killed during a training operation when live ammo is used. Oscar's death is covered up and Stern faces a concrete wall of red tape to find the truth. His wife (Played by Helen Mirren) disagrees with Stern, but is she hiding more than just saddness for the loss of her son?

Furious Friendly Fire features fantastic performances from Freddy Flintoff and that kid from Fast and Furious 5.

Swapping the gritty backstreets for the courtroom, and no-good punks for legally filed documents; Seagal dials up the acting as he fights conspiracy, justice, more conspiracy and a bit more justice.

From the Director of White Chicks, and the producer of Starship Troopers 8 (yes, they made more than one of them).

Coming to a free Netflix download near you in May.