Following Jean Claude Van Damme’s dramatic and award-winning return to the big screen in JCVD, Steven Seagal is bound to do exactly the same with his latest action packed comedy drama - Commandos in Surrey.
Seagal is Chad Doubleshot, a tough cop who lives the high-life, fast cars, fast broadband, fast women – he has it all including a huge futuristic apartment in downtown Leatherhead.
When some no-good punks knock off the local Odeon, Doubleshot is first on the scene. The raid on the Odeon is only a cover-up for a larger plot to install mind-control devices in every cinema in the Surrey area and create an army of criminals from the locals.
Seagal makes a few calls to some friends to reunite the “Burgundy Cobra 5” – an elite squad of the hardest, toughest men to fight in northern Moldova. These include U-tube (Roddy Piper, WWE), Kay-FC (Ross Kemp, Eastenders) and Har-Vesta (Richard O’Brien, Crystal Maze).
When they get together in Doubleshot’s futuristic ammo-bunker in Ranmore Common, they use the hi-tech computer to work out that their old drill sergeant Dr. Sprite Haribo (Terry Wogan, in his 8th collaboration with Seagal*) iss behind the criminal gangs.
The team ‘suit up’ with high tech, improbable and incredibly futuristic kit from the secret compartments Doubleshot has installed by local contractors within the bunker and prepare to protect every Odeon, Cineworld, Vue and Empire cinema in the county and take Haribo down.
One-by-one the Burgundy Cobra team are picked off by Dr Sprite Haribos relentless men, until one final showdown in Cineworld, Dorking. Jonathon Ross says the following of 'Commandos in Surrey':
‘I’m personally mortified that Seagal can continue to churn out films like this at such a high frequency. Although I staggered out of the press-viewing with my eyes feeling brutally raped, I couldn’t help feeling a mixture of 'somewhat impressed' yet 'sheer loathing' for the incredible volume of product placements crammed into this 86 minute steaming pile. Apart from loosely names characters that echo big brands, the final yet predictable blow executed by Seagal makes full use of a bag of Butterkist popcorn and a Black and Decker powerdrill. Ironic really that the film centers so much around cinemas and their security, yet the film is destined to be a straight to DVD flop. Avoid, Half a Star.
*Terry Wogan has produced Seagal’s Top 7 album (in Latvia and Upper Volta) ‘Love is a Desert Eagle with a Golden Trigger’, and also stared alongside Seagal in ‘Live 2 Kill’, Kill 2 Live’, Kill 2 Live 2: Killing to Live’ and ‘Kill 2 Live III: Killing to Kill to Live Again’. They also advertised Chupa-Chups together across the Indian subcontinent.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Today You Die - Seagals Finest
Having watched all of Seagals movies, this movie I think gets closest to the scripts I have been writing for him. My favourite moment in the film is when the big black main gangster presses a button and the cupboards behind them pop open to reveal gun racks nicely lit in in a blue neon haze. Why would you have that in your office!!!
Sandstorm at Murderington
Following the outstanding success of 'Mission to Highschool', Seagals latest blockbuster sees him return to school but this time as renegade substitute teacher, Mr Chad Sandstorm.
Sandstorm is used to teaching science to underprivileged kids but not a lot could prepare him for Class Z4 at Mullington High, in downtown Detroit. The students are set to fail all their exams and are besieged by family problems, drugs, rivalries, guns, gang and fungal feet issues. Its, so bad, the school is known locally as Murderington High.
While most people simply write these kids off as societies outcasts and tomorrows prison fodder, Sandstorm sees potential, mainly because he once was also on the wrong side of the tracks after he served time for tracking down and beating up his ex sargeant (who had left his best buddy to die, in Korea).
Despite a troubled start to teaching the class, Sandstorm soon gets the respect of the kidz when several of them jump him with knives and semi automatic weapons and he uses his martial arts skills to disarm them. Impressed the kids soon start paying attention and want to learn from Sandstorm.
Not all the students are as willing though and Sandstorm has to go through a number of emotional scenes to get to the root of these kids troubles and help them.
Sandstorm decides that he can galvanise the students around an upcoming hip hop and street dancing battle between all of the downtown Detroit schools.
Can he gel the students together and keep them off crack long enough to win the contest? Will the senators daughter be kidnapped randomly? Will his ex Korean sargeant show up unexpectantly?
Find out on Channel 5 at 2.30am this Friday.
Also stars: Chris Brown as Bojam and Paris Hilton as Bubbles
Names of hip hop crew: Bo-Jam Stryke Pop X MC Scratch Touchdown Blast Crips and Bubbles
REVIEW
West Sussex Echo: 'astonishing, the use of light and sound was incredible. I was left contemplating whether the film had escoteric value or whether in itself it was inwardly focussed on being self absorbed. A masterpiece of deception'
Empire: 'Films like this strengthen the case for Seagal to be locked up and legislation to ensure that no more films are made'
FHM: 'The worst bit was definitely Seagal rapping'
LYRICS TO LISTEN UP - WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY SEAGAL
Your lifes on the line on the streetz tonight
Gotta decide run or fight
Yo brothers got your back
Packing a piece under the mack
This is all whack
So stay off the crack
Sandstorm is used to teaching science to underprivileged kids but not a lot could prepare him for Class Z4 at Mullington High, in downtown Detroit. The students are set to fail all their exams and are besieged by family problems, drugs, rivalries, guns, gang and fungal feet issues. Its, so bad, the school is known locally as Murderington High.
While most people simply write these kids off as societies outcasts and tomorrows prison fodder, Sandstorm sees potential, mainly because he once was also on the wrong side of the tracks after he served time for tracking down and beating up his ex sargeant (who had left his best buddy to die, in Korea).
Despite a troubled start to teaching the class, Sandstorm soon gets the respect of the kidz when several of them jump him with knives and semi automatic weapons and he uses his martial arts skills to disarm them. Impressed the kids soon start paying attention and want to learn from Sandstorm.
Not all the students are as willing though and Sandstorm has to go through a number of emotional scenes to get to the root of these kids troubles and help them.
Sandstorm decides that he can galvanise the students around an upcoming hip hop and street dancing battle between all of the downtown Detroit schools.
Can he gel the students together and keep them off crack long enough to win the contest? Will the senators daughter be kidnapped randomly? Will his ex Korean sargeant show up unexpectantly?
Find out on Channel 5 at 2.30am this Friday.
Also stars: Chris Brown as Bojam and Paris Hilton as Bubbles
Names of hip hop crew: Bo-Jam Stryke Pop X MC Scratch Touchdown Blast Crips and Bubbles
REVIEW
West Sussex Echo: 'astonishing, the use of light and sound was incredible. I was left contemplating whether the film had escoteric value or whether in itself it was inwardly focussed on being self absorbed. A masterpiece of deception'
Empire: 'Films like this strengthen the case for Seagal to be locked up and legislation to ensure that no more films are made'
FHM: 'The worst bit was definitely Seagal rapping'
LYRICS TO LISTEN UP - WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY SEAGAL
Your lifes on the line on the streetz tonight
Gotta decide run or fight
Yo brothers got your back
Packing a piece under the mack
This is all whack
So stay off the crack
Friday, August 14, 2009
Mission to Highschool
In this hilarious late summer family comedy stroke action thriller romance, Steven Seagal plays Butch McToughshot a presidential bodyguard and martial arts expert.
Tougher than the toughest, McToughshot is the presidents most trusted personal protection agent.
However, McToughshot is in for a shock when the presidents daughter starts complaining that the school jock, Mitch Clean (McCauley Caulkin) won't take her to the school prom.
The president sends McToughshot in to Burlington High with a mission to persuade Mitch that the presidents duaghter, Candy (La Roux) is worth taking to the ball. Hilarity follows as McToughshot goes back to school to persuade fellow students he is only 15 and persuade Mitch that Candy is the pick of the year, all while not busting some kids faces up!! How will McToughshot fare in his exams, the school football team and being the new school hunk!
The film takes a sharp turn from comedic to the romantic though when McToughshot falls for his new teacher Miss Volumptua (Jordan).
Then, in another sudden change of pace, all hell breaks loose when it turns out that the drama group is an undercover Al Qaeda cell intent on destroying the school and killing the presidents daughter.
In violent dramatic action scenes, McToughshot must fight alone to save Burlington High, Candy and Miss Volumptua leading to climatic scenes where he only has time to save one of their lives...... catch it all on Mission to Highschool this summer
REVIEWS
Daily Mail: Confusing - Was I meant to take my kids to this - The first hour seemed to suggest yes but after the chemical attack on the school assembly, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to show facial burns to my nine year old son
Shrewsbury Evening Chronicle: Desperate, unfortunate, disjointed, bizzarre, surreal, shambolic - The first half is an extremely poor comedy with unfortunate twinges of paedophilia in my view, the second half is a bizarre twist into Seagals normal territory as if the director realised the first half was rubbish and was trying to save it for the small hardcore Seagal fanclub.
Tougher than the toughest, McToughshot is the presidents most trusted personal protection agent.
However, McToughshot is in for a shock when the presidents daughter starts complaining that the school jock, Mitch Clean (McCauley Caulkin) won't take her to the school prom.
The president sends McToughshot in to Burlington High with a mission to persuade Mitch that the presidents duaghter, Candy (La Roux) is worth taking to the ball. Hilarity follows as McToughshot goes back to school to persuade fellow students he is only 15 and persuade Mitch that Candy is the pick of the year, all while not busting some kids faces up!! How will McToughshot fare in his exams, the school football team and being the new school hunk!
The film takes a sharp turn from comedic to the romantic though when McToughshot falls for his new teacher Miss Volumptua (Jordan).
Then, in another sudden change of pace, all hell breaks loose when it turns out that the drama group is an undercover Al Qaeda cell intent on destroying the school and killing the presidents daughter.
In violent dramatic action scenes, McToughshot must fight alone to save Burlington High, Candy and Miss Volumptua leading to climatic scenes where he only has time to save one of their lives...... catch it all on Mission to Highschool this summer
REVIEWS
Daily Mail: Confusing - Was I meant to take my kids to this - The first hour seemed to suggest yes but after the chemical attack on the school assembly, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to show facial burns to my nine year old son
Shrewsbury Evening Chronicle: Desperate, unfortunate, disjointed, bizzarre, surreal, shambolic - The first half is an extremely poor comedy with unfortunate twinges of paedophilia in my view, the second half is a bizarre twist into Seagals normal territory as if the director realised the first half was rubbish and was trying to save it for the small hardcore Seagal fanclub.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Two Die Four
Steven Seagal stars, sings and directs in the latest action musical thriller to come out of Cheapskate Studios.
In Two Die Four, Seagal plays Flight Lt Jay Surefire a navy topgun who specialises in putting the latest prototype hardware through its paces.
When the Amercian military create a helicopter with an invisibility cloaking device, Surefire is the man to test it. However, on the day of the test, the hardware is stolen by muslim fundamentalists bent on the destruction of the Eastern seaboard.
Seagal mobilises his crack team, unit Two Four, which consists of the best pilots in the world, fast talkin' Tripleshot (played by Lil Wayne) and Trixy D (Karly from Big Brother). He will need all the help he can get as the terrorist behind the plot is none other than Hassam Al Maqtoom (played by Gary Glitter).
Using any means possible they have to find and retrieve the hardware and take the punks down, all in a days work for unti Two Four.
SCRIPT EXCERPT
Trixy: Help, help, they've got me and they plan on doing terrible things to me, Al Maqtoom has me prisoner
Surefire: Lock and load Tripleshot, we're gonna go in there and save Trixy
Tripleshot: Yo yo daddy mac flipside at 'cha
Al Maqtoom: I'll be waiting for you Surefire, I have a score to settle with you over my missing eye.
In Two Die Four, Seagal plays Flight Lt Jay Surefire a navy topgun who specialises in putting the latest prototype hardware through its paces.
When the Amercian military create a helicopter with an invisibility cloaking device, Surefire is the man to test it. However, on the day of the test, the hardware is stolen by muslim fundamentalists bent on the destruction of the Eastern seaboard.
Seagal mobilises his crack team, unit Two Four, which consists of the best pilots in the world, fast talkin' Tripleshot (played by Lil Wayne) and Trixy D (Karly from Big Brother). He will need all the help he can get as the terrorist behind the plot is none other than Hassam Al Maqtoom (played by Gary Glitter).
Using any means possible they have to find and retrieve the hardware and take the punks down, all in a days work for unti Two Four.
SCRIPT EXCERPT
Trixy: Help, help, they've got me and they plan on doing terrible things to me, Al Maqtoom has me prisoner
Surefire: Lock and load Tripleshot, we're gonna go in there and save Trixy
Tripleshot: Yo yo daddy mac flipside at 'cha
Al Maqtoom: I'll be waiting for you Surefire, I have a score to settle with you over my missing eye.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Bring Me Osama
Bring Me Osama
In this sensational summer blockbuster, Steven Seagal, plays Colonel John McStealth out in a WHSmiths mega bucket near you.
When President Ruben Davenports (Harlow Washington - Denzels Brother) daughter, Cherry (Vivica Fox) is kidnapped by an Al Qaeda cell, the president orders every resource be thrown into catching Osama Bin Laden.
The CIA and special forces are ordered to immediately step up their campaign in the wild tribal areas of North West Afghanistan where it is believed Osama is hunkered down in a complex network of caves, protected by his fundamentalist inner circle and local Pathan tribesmen.
The president also calls into action his old special forces buddy, Colonel McStealth, the man he respects and trusts more than anyone.
McStealth has a hunch though and does not think Osama is in Asia at all. McStealths gut is telling him that Osama is holed up in the surburban sprawl of the Birmingham Coventry metropolis. If there is one thing the president knows it is that when McStealths guts speak, you had better listen.
In this sensational summer blockbuster, Steven Seagal, plays Colonel John McStealth out in a WHSmiths mega bucket near you.
When President Ruben Davenports (Harlow Washington - Denzels Brother) daughter, Cherry (Vivica Fox) is kidnapped by an Al Qaeda cell, the president orders every resource be thrown into catching Osama Bin Laden.
The CIA and special forces are ordered to immediately step up their campaign in the wild tribal areas of North West Afghanistan where it is believed Osama is hunkered down in a complex network of caves, protected by his fundamentalist inner circle and local Pathan tribesmen.
The president also calls into action his old special forces buddy, Colonel McStealth, the man he respects and trusts more than anyone.
McStealth has a hunch though and does not think Osama is in Asia at all. McStealths gut is telling him that Osama is holed up in the surburban sprawl of the Birmingham Coventry metropolis. If there is one thing the president knows it is that when McStealths guts speak, you had better listen.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New Possible Film Titles
Strike for Justice
McCrackshot: Beyond Redemption
Cards on Fire
Calling John Freedom
Syria: Undercover Agent
Bring Me Osama
McCrackshot: Beyond Redemption
Cards on Fire
Calling John Freedom
Syria: Undercover Agent
Bring Me Osama
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