Monday, March 04, 2013

Air Force Con

In this springs Blockbuster bankruptcy DVD bargain bin special, comes Steven Seagal starring as Lt Col Mitch McFirestorm in Air Force Con.

When the CIA uncover hints of a terrorist plot to hijack Air Force One, they need a specialist operator.  Taped recordings in the maximum security Ohio State prison reveal that jihadists are plotting to take the presidents plane and crash it into the Super Bowl.

Not enough details are known and so the CIA call on McFirestorm to help them out.  Sent in undercover, his legend is that of being Mustafa Murtaz a Yemeni freedom fighter caught and jailed by American Special Forces but crucially one with piloting experience. Winning the trust of his fellow inmates, he must extract information on the operation to save the president, the presidents inexplicably hot daughter, some kittens and some school kids who are all going to be aboard the plane in the final action scenes.

To complicate the mission, the CIA go through a major restructure and because all of the people who are cleared for security on McFirestorms mission and true identity are now dead or employed elsewhere, he is alone and forgotten about.

With no one believing who he really is, McFirestorm must carry the mission on and save the day.  His fellow inmates start to take him on trust after he beats on a few guards and he is involved in the plot.

Broken out of prison and smuggled aboard Air Force One, McFirestorm must take down the terrorists from the inside and in climatic final scenes, persuade the presidents daughter he is on the right side, gods side to avoid being shot by special forces.

The Daily Mail: Dreadful
The Times: Filthy, a stain on film making
The New York Times: in this day and age, no actor should ever black up, period.

Friday, September 07, 2012

All Gunns Blazing

This September, coming to the blue hexagonal bins stuffed with DVDs marked up at £2, which you stumble over entering Blockbusters... comes All Gunns Blazing, a new project written, directed, produce and conceived by legendary action star, Steven Seagal.

As an ex SEAL Captain, Gunn McSteel cuts a surprisingly gentle image.  If you were to shake his hand and stare into his cold eyes, you would see the hardness formed in the lowland swamps of Borneo.  Examine his skin closely and you would see the cracks from days spend in a foxhole blasted by the Sharan sands.  Yet, McSteel is a man who has settled into a new retired life, that of a simple taxi driver, moving passengers from A to B and imparting some Buddhist wisdom to one and all in peace and harmony with the streets of LA.

On one monumental day though, McSteel finds himself thrust back into the hellish maw of danger and he has to unleash his tremendous powers of hand to hand combat.

Picking up a passenger from the docks, it seems a simple ride to Chinatown.  His passenger seems the normal sort, well dressed, polite; but somethign is not right.  After the drop, McSteel realises that the well dressed man overpaid and resolves to track him down from clues he picked up during the ride.

What starts as mysterious, turns into a web of intrigue and eventually, McSteel finds his target in an abandoned warehouse where McSteel witnesses him and his crew murder a senator and kidnap her daughter.  Before he can intervene, the murderers have fled.

McSteel knows that implausibly he needs to sort this out himself and resolves to track down the punks and serve up a steaming slice of justice.

Thankfully he has the assistance of Candy (played by Davina McCall), his kind-hearted taxi company caller and Slipstream (Eminem), a street rapper well known to McSteel.

This Autumn, when it comes to stopping terrorists punks, you know that Seagal will go down All Gunns Blazing.


The Mirror: 1 Star - A truly strange film, the clues McSteel had to work on were proposterous and why was he so intent on returning $3 in the first place?

The Independent: 5 Stars - Haunting and tragic, uplifting, a film that stirs the very soul and asks the most simple and childish of questions... why?

Script Extract:

McSteel: Yo yo Slipstream, whats up with the flow?

Slipstream: Big daddy whac mac brother...

McSteel: I need to know where a man running north on 4th went, he was wearing a grey suit, 5 10 180 pounds...

Slipstream: Say what bro, your the daddy and thanks for saving my little sisters life... He went to Old McKenzies bar and strip joint... but I didn't say anything and I didn't see anything... Be careful if you go near that place... there are rumours

McSteel: What rumours?

Slipstream:  I can't say any more..

McSteel: Catch you on the flipside, stay slippy...

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Mulitple Hart Attack.....

This summer, the battle is moved from the theatre of war to the theatre of operations.

Steven Seagal plays Dr Jet Hart the finest surgeon of his generation leading a renegade but elite heart transplant team comprising of his trusted assistants, Nurse Bojangles (Pixie Lott) and Nurse Xstrike (Dappy).

When a patient who has undergone some sort of major surgery is found trussed up in Central Park barely alive, it is Harts fast response team who are called into urgent medical action.

What they find when the patient goes under the knife is truly shocking.  She has a complex bomb implanted in her chest with a countdown showing that they only have a short time to save her and themselves.  Incredibly, news breaks that the patient is also the presidents daughter who was kidnapped just hours earlier from her university campus.

The evil genius behind the plot is none other that Alzam Al Akhbar Ghazi (Jonathan Ross) who is demanding the release of 60 of his Black Death freedom fighters who are incarcerated in Yemeni jails.

Harts team know they only have 23 minutes to perform open chest surgery, save the presidents daughter, defuse the device and gather evidence that allows them to track down Ghazi and take him down using Hart's ex special forces skills.

Hart knows that the hospital administrators will try and tie him up in red tape and that the DA’s office is unlikely to want him and his team pursuing Ghazi with a range of high powered weapons. Thankfully, he also knows that the president will back up his old special forces buddy and so this summer, when the Hart attacks, you’d better be ready.


Hospital Chief Nixon: Goddamn it Dr Hart, you’re performing a cardiopulmonary bypass using a Bic biro, a straw and a sharpened stick in the Hospital car park…. You cannot cut this many corners Hart

Hart: Goddamn it chief – My team and I get results…. Some kids might get shot in the face but I ain’t gonna lose the presidents daughter, not on my watch.....


Ghazi: (gun jams) OK Hart, let’s sort this out… (both men draw knifes, Hart’s is a scapel)


Hart: Hold on Bojanles, these wires have a complex reverse polarity switch and the tactile pressure sensor is unusual... I've seen this bomb making before, it's smart... very smart.... cut the green one…


President: Dr Hart, I’m relying on you old buddy and so are the American people. Remember that time we drank tequila as the sun rose over the DMZ…

Dr Hart: Don’t worry about sweet Mary Anne Mr President, she is in safe hands


Shropshire Chronicle: The film probably tried to hard, it was confusing, Dr Hart seemed to be the only resource the president had to fight these international terrorists as he didn't trust the FBI or CIA?

The Star: Action, action, action, explosions and action… awesome! 5 stars.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Ticket to Fight

In this springs WHSmiths bargain bin DVD blockbuster, Steven Seagal plays Lt Col Daniel Strikedown, a special forces trainer who also works as a ticket inspector on the East coast mainline.

Trouble starts for Strikedown when some punks intent on drinking and causing disruption board the train and are not responding to polite request.  Things escalate though when it turns out that the group are not just a group of drunk punks but actually a terrorist cell and they plan on activating a dirty bomb in New York while travelling on the train.

What they don't know is that their ticket inspector is on to them and plans on taking them down one punch ata time.

Thankfully for Strikedown, he also has his colleagues Princess (Katie Perry) and Slipstream (Rapper Doubleshot) along for the ride.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Furious Friendly Fire

Steven Seagal plays his first drama role in Furious Friendly Fire, as Stern Winnerman - a retired army officer who has faced the harsh reality of Afghanistan.

Whilst serving his beautiful and courageous country (where a child can get a beer and a gun for a buck o' five); Stern sees his son Oscar (played by Mario Balotelli) killed during a training operation when live ammo is used. Oscar's death is covered up and Stern faces a concrete wall of red tape to find the truth. His wife (Played by Helen Mirren) disagrees with Stern, but is she hiding more than just saddness for the loss of her son?

Furious Friendly Fire features fantastic performances from Freddy Flintoff and that kid from Fast and Furious 5.

Swapping the gritty backstreets for the courtroom, and no-good punks for legally filed documents; Seagal dials up the acting as he fights conspiracy, justice, more conspiracy and a bit more justice.

From the Director of White Chicks, and the producer of Starship Troopers 8 (yes, they made more than one of them).

Coming to a free Netflix download near you in May.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Crossover: Zero Hour

Who do you turn to when there are only hours before humanity is destroyed? Who has the courage, the stealth and the steely look to save planet Earth at zero hour?

These questions and more are answered in Steven Seagals latest straight to DVD classic, Crossover: Zero Hour.

Seagal plays Mitch Shotgun an ex Top Gun pilot, special forces trainer and CIA agent. Retired after his special forces team were killed in an undercover mission in the Bolivian rainforest, Shotgun has been spending his time helping local tough kids deal with their personal issues by helping them form hip hop crews. He has a few problems of his own being a hard drinking, hard smoking and hard gambling son of a shotgun.

His world is turned upside down though when Pixie (played by Katie Perry) contacts him with some astonishing news. Pixie works, implausibly, as a climate scientist as well as topping up her salary as a part time stripper (for no good earthly reason). She has figured out that the petro chemical giant EVIX Corp. has almost pumped enough pollutants into the environment that we are almost at the tipping point, or as her team have dubbed it, Crossover.

Once passed that tipping point, within hours the Earth will become a fiery mess, a hell hole of sulphur, heat, perpetual darkness, an environment in which no intelligent life can survive (scenes shot in Hull).

Evix Corp and their snake-charm chief executive Randle Slither will not have any of it though. Neither will the US government who have branded Pixies team as crackpots.

Shotgun cannot persuade Slither to stop polluting the atmosphere either, even though he and Slither were ex Special Forces buddies until the mysterious circumstances in which Shotguns team were slaughtered in Bolivia.

With Pixie producing a digital wall clock showing a three hour countdown until Crossover, Shotgun is up against it. Slither knows he is coming and has amassed an army of mercenaries to stop him.

What he does not bank on is Shotgun having the support of Flipside, the hip hop crew he helped assemble. With the earth having just hours left, this winter, we are relying on just a handful of brave warriors.

THE GUARDIAN G2: Utter filth. My eyes burned, my soul feels raped, 1 star.

HULL JOURNAL: Even though 23 local jobs were created, this film remains a stain on our existence, although it did catch the atmosphere of the city well.


Pixie: Noone will listen to me Shotgun, I am sure my data shows we are nearing Crossover.... the sulphite monochromatic particles Evix are releasing are comining with the Sub-rapidons in the upper atmosphere and there are going to be nuclear consequences.... no one will listen, we have hours to live...

Shotgun: I am listening sweet cheeks

Pixie: but you are the only one

Shotgun: I'll make them all listen one punch at a time

Pixie: Goddam it Shotgun don't endanger yourself

Shotgun: OK Pixie now do your special dance for me

Saturday, May 07, 2011

No Quarter Asked

In No Quarter Asked, Steven Seagal stars as SEAL Captain Blade McLonegan in an all American action thriller.

When Hussain Al Maqtoum Mulgrani Hammad leader of the Red Splinter Islamic fundamentalist terror cell kidnaps the senators daughter, there is only one man to call.

McLonegan is the best, he has always been the best, but he trains the best to be better than the best so he has to be the very best of the best. McLonegan has his own battles, after a messy divorce, his drink problem worsened and his daughter won’t speak to him.

The Senators daughter is believed to be held in a secure compound in the Qaddari Hills, Northern Syria. McLonegan must drop his in crack team, fast talking Bojax (Triple Z from So Solid Crew) and Pettle (Coleen Rooney).

Together they must rescue the Senators daughter and help McLonegan find peace with himself, one punch at a time.

The problem is the pentagon wants McLonegan dead, for no good earthly reason. Even after the Senators daughter has been saved, they have to extract themselves out as McLonegans ex special forces buddy who now sleeps with his former wife is in charge of Operation Thunderclap.

Can the team get to freedom. Will McLonegan find inner peace? Find out in a WH Smith bargain DVD bucket from June 2011.


HAMMAD: Game over (pulls trigger, gun jams)

MCLONEGAN: OK, let’s do this old school (Drops own gun, draws knife)


DAILY MAIL: The plot made little sense but most worrying was the CGI fight scenes and factual accuracy. It seems all of this can be sacrificed for a shot of Seagal snapping someones neck while winking at the camera…. 1 star