Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Games of Hunger

In Steven Seagals latest venture, he acts, sings and directs in Games of Hunger, name still in dispute with Lions Gate films.

The year is 3010. The Earth has been decimated by years of intergalactic warfare and following the Saturn conflict the human race is enslaved. The overlords are led by Emperor Karcheaturghh (played by Dale Winton), a bloodthirsty half-ling with a penchant for board gaming. He is helbent on turning Earth into a gigantic manufacturing warehouse for his home planet of Aldic. With humans dominated, each continent is separated into a specialism. Australasia- Agriculture; North America - Mining; Europe - Christmas Wrapping and Batter based Foods.

Roaming the Pyrenees is a grizzled war veteran, Saffron Bullet. Saffron served from 2971 to 2974 as a simple rifleman in the brutal Uranus conflict, otherwise known as the flaming undercarriage. After a series of successful battles he rose through the military ranks, garnering respect from his men but jealousy from his peers in equal measure. Yet, this rising star felt his wings clipped when a visit to the local library turned messy. After being accused of unpaid fines a row erupted the likes of which had never been seen before nor likely again. Even now, 25 years on, Bullet cannot hold a book without crying, screaming or punching out in agony. Kindles are his only solace.  Saffron cannot stand the imposed imprisonment of the human race and yearns to strike back.

To prevent distraction to humans, Karcheaturghh creates an annual set of deadly games whereby 12 killers are placed in an enclosed environment in the wastelands of Humberside and must fight each other to the death. Not with weapons but with popular board games created in the 20th century. Bullet volunteers and must fight for his life (and his honour) with only a Sudoku puzzle to defend himself.
Bullet soon befriends a straight talking street thug with an IQ of 152, Kunx (played by Stephen Fry). Knux comes from the tough talking streets of Basildon and soon these buddies form a bond based on their mutual love of Monopoly and Top Trumps. They set about teaming up to survive. A rival gang, led by Travis Balthzar (played by Steve from Coronation Street) pick off the weaker contestants leading to an ultimate showdown. This is not before an inexplicably hot woman, Foxy (played by Janet Street-Porter) bursts into the game and throws herself at Bullet. 

'I want you Bullet goddamn it' said Foxy.
'Is that you talking or the vicar with the lead pipe in the conservatory?' questioned Bullet.
'Does it matter' replied Foxy throwing the board to one side and revealing the fact she had been naked all along
'Checkmate' responded Bullet.
'Wrong Game Fool' shouted a concerned Knux. 'Humankind does not have a hope'
'Snap' uttered a bewildered Bullet.

As the other contestants fall Knux and Bullet find themselves heading for a deadly showdown with Balthazars crew. With rain pouring out of the sky the enemies meet under the glow of a red stained moon. 

'This gets settled tonight' shouts Bullet.
'How?' replies a rattled Balthazar.... 'Chess, Droughts, Jenga?'
'We are going old school...... 
'No, not.......'
'Damn right Balthazar.  Like men.  With honour.  It's how my daddy would have wanted things. Knux, Pass me the Buckaroo'.

Who will survive the ultimate test between two of the deadliest warriors the earth has ever seen. Tune into Sky Channel 456 at 00:45 to find out.

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