Friday, February 26, 2010

Death From Above

This Easter, prepare to witness a new level of cinemagratic experience as Steven Seagal stars in Michael Caines directional debut ‘Death from Above’. Shot in super colour 2D for extra visual impact, ‘Death from Above’ is set to definitely be a Moto Service Stations top ten £2 seller this April.

LT Col Bud ‘Crazyhawk’ MacKnife is not only the best navy pilot alive, he is a martial arts expert, life coach, hard drinking, hard talking, hard hat wearing son of a gun. MacKnife is respected as the finest of his generation, able to navigate by the stars, able to communicate with animals, he is at one with nature and his exceptional war machine, the new prototype FS200X fighter jet equipped with the latest technologies including time travel and invisibility devices.

When MacKnifes commander in chief Gus Greaser (played by Anthony Hopkins), orders him to take the FS200X on a training straffing run over Afghani villages populated by kind but poor Afghani women and children, MacKnife objects. Eventually Greaser agrees to allow the training run without the use of live ammo.

However, all is not what it seems and during the run, Macknifes fuel runs out and his systems mysteriously shut down. Ejecting from the plane, Macknife holes up and is taken in by the beautiful Purrito, a poor but stunning Afghani villager (played by Kesha in her acting debut).

It seems his attitude has MacKnife on the wrong side of Commander in Chief Greaser who unleashes the full forces of the US military to track down MacKnife, having persuaded them he was a traitor.

MacKnife is faced with a race against time to save himself, the villagers and the local ecology which is being damaged by a US multinational petrochemical and pharmaceutical operation who are giving backhanders to Greaser.

Thankfully he is helped by his old special forces buddy on the inside, Westside (played by Ashley Cole).


Purrito: Killing is against my core muslim beliefs but watching you rip the throats out of those punks makes me feel so hot....
MacKnife: Yeah baby, thats American love

Greaser: Goddam it, MacKnife, get your wings in the air and shoot those Afghani babies right now
MacKnife: I object.

Daily Mail: An awesome film highlighting the true horror of war away from the fun and high jinks our military face on a day to day basis. Fundamentally a tale of why we should stem the flow of immigrants.

Daily Telegraph: Watching this film makes me pity the very existence of humanity.

Steven Seagal: This film is indeed ground breaking, yeah we could have cast Afghanis to play Afghanis but basically there was a need to make the film more accessible to American audiences and we couldn’t really understand what they were saying.

Michael Caine: I was paid money to direct, my name is on the credits to but to be fair, Seagal did all of the directing. What is the film about again?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Out for Fighting

Steven Seagal plays Mitch Bennington, an ex-marine who lives in a quiet Suburban town making Yo-Yos to pass the time.

His days spent kicking ass for Uncle Sam are just distant romantic memories until a bunch of no-good punks start to mess up the neighbourhood.

Mitch has taken down 50 foes in one fight before (shown in black & white slo-motion) but this gang are at least 75 strong in volume and he just ain't sure he can take them.

He turns to training his neighbours in martial arts so they can fight to win back the streets. His band of brothers includes Hi-Lo (Dale Winton) and Uppa-Cutt (Chipmunk) who have promised to protect their elders in a battle where at least one secondary character will die.

Thanks to Avatar-like-technology (and a tenth of the budget), Richard Whitely is able to star as Don Bravito, the mob boss behind the riots. Mitch has him in his sights as he heads Out for Fighting.