Wednesday, July 29, 2009

New Possible Film Titles

Strike for Justice
McCrackshot: Beyond Redemption
Cards on Fire
Calling John Freedom
Syria: Undercover Agent
Bring Me Osama

Friday, July 24, 2009

2068: Titan Voyage

Its the year 2068 and global warming is causing a series of global catastrophes decimating the human population and threatening the existence of mankind.

The president orders the execution of Project Titan, the colonisation of the moon Titan.

Leading Astronaut, Kirk Faststrike, must take his team Sugar (Leoni Lewis) and DoubleX (Chris Rock) to Titan and start preparing the atmosphere for humans.

What noone knew is that they are not the only living beings on Titan and whatever is on the planet is not keen on human company.

The future of the entire human race is in one mans hands, Faststrike. This summer, he must kick alin ass to save Earths.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Firestorm in Cairo

Steven Seagal stars, writes, directs, produces, sings and caters in this uber high octane action film due out free with Readers Digest this autumn.

Seagal stars as Lt Col Jag Iceblast, head of training and special operations at SEAL commando forces headquarters. A natural linguist and martial arts expert, Iceblast retired as a SEAL commando when his wife was killed in revenge for him taking out some terrorist punks. He now enjoys a quieter life training the best of the best to be better becoming the damn ultra best, the pinnacle of the best of the best, the ultimate best, just not quite as good as Iceblast, who remains 'The Best of the Best'

When Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer a breakaway Al Qaeda ultra violent cell strikes at a US warship off the cost of East Africa, the president (Hugh Lawrie) condemns the attacks as barbaric and inhumane. The next day, the presidents daughter (Lady Gaga) is taken in a highly organised kidnapping from her university campus in Houston.

Within weeks, videos appear of Mary Jane on Al Jazeer and it becomes clear that Azal-Ul-Ak-Wazeer are holding her in Cairo.

The president orders Iceblast to get out of retirement, drop into Cairo with a team consisting of a handful of hand picked specialists, save the presidents daughter and destroy the terrorist organisation.

What complicates matters is that the man behind the kidnapping is former SEAL turned terrorist, Grist Feecler (played by Kevin Costner), Iceblasts old partner, who defected shortly after his wife was killed.... was he connected?

Iceblast has 72 hours to assemble his team, fast talking MC Krisp (Vanilla Ice), and psychic, Pixie (Katie Holmes) and get them to Cairo.


Retired, washed up, drunk but the only man the president trusts with his daughters life


Iceblast: Let her go Feecler, this is between you and me now
Feecler: Ha ha ha ha - Your wife begged for mercy Iceblast, and now so will the presidents daughter
Iceblast: Im gonna mummify you Feecler, you're ancient history

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Big Mac McNutscruncher

Mac McNutscruncher (Seagal): You had better put down that pistol or I'll take it from you

Harkon Beast (Wesley Snipes): Yeah and how you gonna do that... voodoo magic? ha ha ha ha

Mac McNutscruncher: This is your last chance

Harkon Beast: No Mac, its yours

Mac steps into Harkon smashing his elbow into his temple, a dazed Harkon, amazed at how fast Macs moves were staggers backwards

Mac: Goddam it, you better talk I want the codes to the nukes and I don't want to have to use any of my old techniques

Harkon: Dammit, how did you disarm me like that

Mac: You remember from 'Nam, I'm faster than you Harkon, faster than you will ever be, now what about those codes

Harkon: Its Niner Double Oscar Sixer Black Double Strike

Mac: OK, one last thing... where is the presidents daughter?

Extract from Big Mac McNutscruncher hopefully never released anywhere

Monday, July 13, 2009


My good god - Seagal has just realesed his new film, Driven to Kill. I summarise it below to show a few things. Firtsly, just how appaling it sounds. Secondly, just how close it is to the scripts I write for him. Most of the required elements are there. Reference Site:



They took his daughter. So he's taking them down.
Revenge is not always sweet
Some fathers fight for justice... Others for revenge.

Seagal stars as Ruslan Drachev, a highly-respected former enforcer in the New York-based Russian Mob, who long ago abandoned the gangland lifestyle to pursue a more peaceful career as a crime novelist. But his world is turned upside down when he learns that his daughter is engaged to marry a Russian gangster who also happens to be Ruslans cold-hearted nemesis from the bad old days.


Seagal actually speaks with a Russian accent in this.
It failed to enter the top thirty DVD charts
In the states you can get it delivered for just over 8$

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Furnace of Hell

Mike McFurnace: Im going back in there to save Sarah-Jessica goddam it

Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace, you're the best damn firefighter in the service but I cannot let you go back into that burning towerblock, it's suicide.

Mike McFurnace: Look chief, the only thing standing between SJ and a fiery hellish death is just my bare hands but damn it, I'll try

Chief Braun: You're the bravest son of a bitch but Jesus I cannot let you it's an order now stand down

Mike McFurnace: Sorry Chief, I didn't here the last bit now you do what you have to do

Chief Braun: If this goes wrong McFurnace I don't know if I can cover your ass with the Mayor

Mike McFurnace: If this goes wrong chief I won't have an ass now get out of here

Chief Braun: Damn you McFurnace (wipes tear from eye) you represent everything brave and free in America

Mike McFurnace: Sure Chief, but it's time for me to get my suntan (smiles, lowers viser)

Extract from Furnace of Hell out in a Woolworths clearance outlet near you in time for the Summer holidays

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Fire Strike Team

When the presidents daughter is kidnapped from her backpacking tour of South America, a global crisis starts that threatens the world itself.

Mary Jane (Amy Winehouse) is taken by a shady fundamentalist group known only as Triple F, who are committed to returning us to the 15th century and are trying to start a global nuclear war.

In these circumstances, when things get this serious, there is only one team to call. Not the marines, not the SEALS, not special forces. This requires the damn very best. The president must pick up the red phone and speak to Lt Col Viper Doubleshot (Seagal) and his crack team, Wipeout (Vanilla Ice) and Demure (Janet Jackson). The unit known in the inner circles of the pentagon as Fire Strike Team.

The mission will take the team to all corners of the globe and to confront the ultimate evil. Catch it at specialist cinemas and DVD bins from September.

Winner of the Bristol Councils Achievement Award for Films shot Entirely in Bristol.