No Holds Barred

Steven Seagal plays Mike McIron in this thrilling cage fighting movie.

McIron is a local piano repair man just minding his business and getting on with his humble trade in his hometown of Justice, Texas.

Known as a big guy locally with a good heart, McIron is always first to step in and help sort out disputes in his local spit and sawdust bar and is respected locally. When a cage fighting tournament is set up, McIron initially refuses to sign up as he abhores violence.

However the eccentric millionaire running the contest, Crawford Hawk (Max Clifford) arranges for McIrons girlfriend (Mary Jane, played by Dame Judy Dench) to be abducted forcing him to compete.

Hawk bears a grudge against McIron for a piano he claims was badly tuned. His aim is for McIron to die in the ring against some of the best cage fighters this side of the Missisipi.

What he doesn't know is that McIron was raised by inuit tribes people who taught him how to control his mind and body and endowed him with the name Manglas Kunkli or He Who Walks Like Wind.

Can McIron win the contest and free Mary Jane? Can his assistants Minxy (Kerry Katona) and Hangdog (Eminem) keep the piano business afloat while he is away? Find out this July in 'No Holds Barred' available from any good Poundland near you.

Hawk: Mary Jane is safe for now but she might lose some of her innocence if you don't fight Mad Dog in tonights contest
McIron: Goddam it Hawk, why me, why now?
Hawk: I want my E flat to be perfect damn you, that piano is my life
McIron: OK, I'll take Mad Dog down and then it will be your turn (taps a tuning fork)

Daily Express: Hilarious in parts, disturbing in others, should be banned
Exeter Evening Chronicle: what is happening?
Farming and Agricultural Land Management Magazine: The piano tuning scenes could have been cut, noone wants to watch Seagal in a self important 30 minute silent opening, tuning a baby grand.